Chapter 5 | The Tale of Two Kingdoms

Noticed that there's a quotation mark missing from the last paragraph, figured I'd point it our right quick. After 'the Teacher, ' there should be one, I think.

Enjoying the story. Looking forward to more. All that. Ta.

I wouldn't, because of your inclusion of a quotation mark after 'No,'

«Dialogue, dit caractere a, dialogue.
—Dialogue, dit caractere b.
—Dialogue.»

Congratulations on starting your first piece of fiction (I am correct, that this is your first story?) -- it's always exciting to see someone take the leap and set their imagination soaring. I found you through Pages Unbound after a friend recommended you.

I think you have a very rich imagination and I expect great things from that. However, everyone needs critique along the way to become a better writer and to learn how to share our visions the best that we can. For example, after comments on my book, I completely revised the beginning chapters and started bonus chapters to fill in gaps I hadn't been aware of. We all learn the hard way, but sometimes our readers and fellow writers can make it easier.

To that end, I want to inform you of a weakness in your writing that is actually holding back your amazing imagination. You "tell" more than you "show."

Here is an example: "The whole effect was of cool, commanding, compelling, ageless, ferocious intelligence, and Temmin did his best to keep his back straight and his heartbeat under control. He decided it was best to get straight to the point, and show he wasn't afraid. "

We don't get shown that the Teacher is cool, commanding, compelling or intelligent by his actions and behaviour, you tell us. All of those things can be revealed through actions in the story, rather than a brief sentence. His skulking about in mirrors and obvious power over Temmin's father are better examples of his presence than this paragraph.

However, you spend a long time showing us little details like clothing. This actually slows the story down. In five chapters there are only a few actual events -- the prince arriving, riding his horse, practicing dancing, the dance itself, and talking with the Teacher. The rest of the text is just unnecessary detail that doesn't contribute to the plot, so I won't remember it tomorrow. What I will remember in each chapter is the Teacher in the mirror, because it has to do with the ongoing story and conflict. He's creepy.

I think if you examine your skill in showing that, and use it to revise the places you are telling, you will use your already present strengths to become an even better writer. In other words, you already have this skill, you just need to be more aware of it and use it more.

I have posted a review on Pages Unbound, but I intend to revise it in the future. Because I know you're going to do even better.

I see more MU-ers are showing up.

I see your comments and am forced to disagree, partially.

Yes, the sentence you quote is clumsy. But so what? Such little quirks are part and parcel of the web serial format, I firmly believe it. It makes the missive more engaging in my mind, not less. I'm not interested in perfectly polished sterility, I'm more drawn to the immediacy of the story told around the global campfire, warts and all.

But maybe I'm crazy.

Similarly, I really enjoy the sumptuous descriptions of the clothes, and the balls, and the food, and everything else. I realize that many writers prefer to leave such details in the imagination of the readership. I have always accounted this a lack. When well-done (and such is likely MeiLin's strongest suit to date) it gives the story the rich texture of a fine tapestry.

For example, I LOVED the descriptions of Temelin and his sisters for the ball. Such wonderfully evocative clothing! How powerfully their dress defined each of them. In my opinon, such intricate and beautiful descriptions are a strength for Meilin, not a weakness.

The setting IS a character. Far too many writers of fantasy fail to account for this.

Hello. I'm an immigrant from Tales of MU, and I have to say that what you've written so far is great. Honestly, it has me intrigued, and I can't wait to see what next you have up your sleeve.

One problem I have with this, however, is the update schedule. I check numerous webcomics and serial webnovels daily, and they all have a set update schedule. I know that day to day living is hectic and such, but I think it will help you in the long run if you devote one day to the story. I honestly wouldn't be angry if you missed a few updates; I just need something that's reliable. Keep up the good work!

@erewhon,

We meet again, and the friendly debating rivalry finds new battleground. I completely agree with you (Hah!) that the best thing about publishing on the internet is that you get to interact with the "campfire," as you put it. On my own site I have learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses from commenters, and begun the process of revision that turns potential into skill. It may take years, but at least now I have an idea of where I'm going. Without commentary, a writer doesn't know their own blindspots.

I very carefully went back over all five chapters. The bulk of each is spent on either dialogue (and Temmin's internal monologue), which reveals character, or description, which reveals setting. Actual action is skimmed over. The entire night of the ball goes "by in a blur" of a single sentence, other than his conversations with his sister.

There is a delicate balance in writing between setting, character and plot. The equation of what a reader will enjoy is subjective, and each reader is different. Setting builds worlds, characters make us care, but without a plot there is no story. Five chapters with paragraphs on description instead of action makes for less story and more details. In general (and my apologies on this) there is indeed more showing than telling. But you're still showing detail and not action, which is equivalent to a movie with lots of beautiful scenery and costumes, with no one doing anything but standing around and talking.

The bulk of the dialogue is excellent for characterization. We get a good feeling for who these people are by the way they interact. But that's all it is, colour on the character sketch. The only plot points are that Elly wants a love-match, Sedra is stifled and wishes she could be a boy (for her acknowledgement of her skills, not gender identity) and Temmy has magic, while everyone fears the power of the Teacher.

I have zero complaints about the author's rich imagination. I have zero complaints about the personalities of these characters (except the Prince, I find him annoying, but that's not a complaint about your writing, that's about his personality -- it's well-written). I have zero complaints about how well the author's imagination is depicted in the description of setting. What I'm complaining about is that lack of action in five chapters. In general, books need action to sustain plot and reader interest. In the beginning of a book, specifically, you need something to hook readers in. The pace here is really slow, and the only hooks are the rich detail and banter between characters. For some people, that will be enough. But for others, something needs to happen that says this story has a story, a reason to care about the characters and the world they inhabit.

Look at the first five chapters of MU -- Mackenzie checks into school, gives attitude about her weapon check, meets Puddy, Puddy flirts rampantly with anyone that passes their room, Mack displays her demon fire, then interacts with Steff and Khersians in the quad welcome festival, explores the magic that protects the area, embarasses herself in front of Sooni, and goes to the floor meeting where she interacts with basically everyone. She starts plotlines with Belinda, Barley, Amaranth, the jocks and builds character details for the rest. All of the things in the first five chapters connect to recent plotlines in a natural way. In a brief amount of time we get snapshots of Mackenzie's demon problem, her talents with magic, the racism at school, her weird rivalry with Sooni, Puddy's predatory nature, and Amaranth's quirks.

No one expects this to be ToMU -- I'm just using it to illustrate the point. Here we have Sedra wanting to be on the throne, the Prince's magic, Elly's flirtations, and the Teacher's mystery. But other than the inevitable confrontation between the Prince and the Teacher, with the potential of Sedra starting a revolution, there's not a lot here yet to generate storylines or action.

What there is, are lots of signs of the author's rich imagination, and the potential for a great story. I'm trying to offer signposts to show how that good writing can be great writing -- just add action to the mix. It's that simple. Give the characters something to do. I don't actually want less description or less dialogue, I just want more purposeful action alongside them.

@ M - Sonja Nitschke of "The Mutants" and "Fiction, Murdered?" (see them on Pages Unbound) calls what you're describing "Special Child Syndrome." I don't know if she started the term, but she's where I heard it first. It applies to Temmin especially, because of the "special indicators" around his birth.

@ the author -- of course there are other storylines going on. There's Allis Obby and Jenks and other little threads with the queen and servants. But in a breakdown of paragraphs, you're still weighted heavily in favour of description and dialogue, and the dialogue is weighted more in favour of character-building. In both cases, there is little action to move plot forward. Because the character-building dialogue is more showing us someone's personality, than showing how personalities will interact and conflict and create storylines.

I'm not trying to pick a fight with an author I respect -- I'm trying to point out that a) you have talent, and b) there are areas where you can refine that talent to make it grow. The things you do with description and dialogue prove you can write, I'm saying take those skills and add it to action. If there was a ratio for this (not that writing is math) it would be like 5:5:1, description:dialogue:plot/action. I would suggest going 4:4:3. But that's my suggestion, not because your writing is bad, but because that would make it even more engaging than it already is.

It's like being a body-builder who only exercises chest and arms, but has puny legs. Give your story some legs by exercising the plot muscles to an equal amount as the time you're giving the rest of the story. You write description so well, and dialogue so well, that I want to see what you would do with action if reminded that it's not as strong. Give it the same kind of time and attention, because then I'll shut up and enjoy this instead of worrying about offending someone I think is a good writer.

Peace.

Thus far, I'm greatly enjoying your story! The descriptions and the world-building you have in these first five chapters are amazing and while I do like any author to trust me to imagine the finer details, I like that you're adding them in because it paints a much more vivid picture for me. Plus, at the moment I'm lazy and the fact that they're all there for me makes it even better! For a first time fiction writer, you got some game, lady!

To respond to the above stylistic comments--

Special Child Syndrome is actually a rather long-standing cliche in the fantasy genre. Harry Potter is a victim of this. People see "cliche" and panic because its connotations aren't exactly kind. People often think of hackneyed, overdone and even boring stories when they think of cliches. But, if done right, people aren't going to be slapped in the face with a cliche. They're going to be slapped in the face with an amazing story. Look at it this way; it's a cliche for a reason--because people like to read them. Period. It's overused for a reason--because people like to read them. Period. Would you like to eat filet-mignon every night? Sure but even the greatest cut of meat will get boring (I remember reading in your blog you're some kind of oval vegetarian (yes, I'm making a funny) but just flow with me on this analogy). What brings people back to eating the same steak are the different ways it can be dressed and prepared. A steak will never get old so long as the chef can keep coming up with new and delicious ways to present it. Writing cliches is the same thing. People like cliches, as much as they complain about them. People like hero quests but the same "hero slays the dragon and wins the woman" gets old if read enough. Adding your own spices to an old recipe will make people want to read a cliche. It keeps the comfort level of them somewhat knowing what they're going to get while at the same time adding something that's original, exciting and at the same time unexpected. How many stories are good versus evil? But how many are you willing to read because they add something new to the mix instead of dwelling on the age-old cliche?

As for the writing itself, what works for one author won't work for another. It's as simple as that. In the age of the internet, it's all about 'gimme now' and people's want for instant gratification. With my serial, I weighed the fact that people would want action right off the bat but, no matter how I sliced it, it wouldn't work. I need the set-up first. Not all novels you buy at Barnes and Noble will read the same and not all serial pieces will read the same. Obviously you've done something right (almost wrote write!) in your set-up. You've dangled enough information with the promise of something to come to keep people coming back for more. You're got your hook. If you didn't live up to your promise, I think that would be a far greater crime than a slow start. It irks me when I see comments that say, 'well, if you wrote like this, your story would be better and you'd get more readers.' When it comes to the internet and the fact that this story isn't for mainstream publication, you're allowed to write for yourself first and foremost (this is probably the only time, actually). If people like what they're reading, they should be courteous enough to abide by your style instead of attempting to cater you to theirs. You are not writing for an editor, a publisher or a mass-market audience. Oh how good it is to say that.

But don't get me wrong. Constructive criticism is always helpful, regardless of the medium because it allows you to grow as a writer, regardless of who you're writing for. But in something like this, a web serial, the author has a much greater ability to draw the line between writing for themselves and writing in order to appease an audience. It's great because you can say, 'thanks but no thanks, this is how the story is going, take it or leave it' and you're not going to lose your advance over it or get blacklisted as a noncompliant author. It's entirely in your hands. Sometimes it's hard to weed out the criticism that'll help your work and the criticism that'll affect your sense of style in your story. The style is yours to have instead of an editor to reject or accept. It's a nice break, let me tell you.

If you ever want critical input or help from a professional writing community, www.absolutewrite.com/forums is an excellent place to get it. It's helped me a lot, that's for sure. I also wanted to say that I'm not attacking anyone's comment specifically, but more of addressing comments that have been building up in my head from not only this story but others. Some have rang consistent and, well, this is the story I decided to voice my opinion on that, mainly because Mei is a new fiction writer and I think a tale from both sides would be helpful.

A little disappointed to see the standard cliche of the hero becoming jealous of his crush displaying affection, then realizing it's towards her brother.