On death, dying and depression
Okay, I don't know exactly how cohearant this whole thing will be but whatever.
Ok, generally speaking my past week, from last Tuesday up to today, has been a bit of a downer. The short version is this-
-Tuesday- Went to glass class and blew for the first time, skipped Art History to work on Drawingn Homework for Wednesday. Work sucked.
Wednesday- Didn't go to Psych. Was late for drawing, with no homework to turn in. Two one hour still lifes I wasn't prepared for. Parking ticket and work sucked. Again.
Thursday- upside- we had an Italian glass master come in to show us the wonders of glass working (Holy cow was that ever cool). Skipped Art History. Again. Work sucked. Again. Same reason as to past two days (I was stocking, not cooking >. (A side note, Monday through Thursday and less so up to today I have been almost painfully aware that my body is calling for some more. . . intimate attentions that it hasn't seen in over a year and a half >. Friday-Not too bad. Got paid. Paid bills. Put off my drawing home work. . .again (the prospect of doing one and two point perspective drawings of the same interior space just weren't that thrilling).
Now here's where the ringer comes in- Saturday morning I am informed that my Dad's girlfriend (Justine)'s mother (Martha) has to be taken into the hospital because her health took a turn for the worse. Just so you get an idea of the situation heres the long and short of it- Martha moved in with us two years ago due to failing health (diabetes, 60+ years of smoking, blahblahblah). She was bed ridden so Justine quite her job to take care of her full time. At the time (February 2007) the doctors didn't think she would make it 2 months let alone two years. Martha's moving in with us further strained an already stressful relationship between myself and Justine. Lets just say it wasn't very pretty. Anyhoo-- Martha had to be taken into the hospital on Saturday and I went to work. Which still sucked, I was on the line for the first shift but with people who I don't always work well with (I do try though), don't remember much else. After work I stopped up at the bowling alley up the street from my house and chatted with the bartender until 3. Came home, went to check my e-mail and this wonderful forum and the interweb was down.
Sunday- I wake up to see Justine's car is home (a side note I forgot, Justine has two sisters- Paula and Melinda who flew in to be with Martha and Justine), and call my Dad to ask him if One- the internet is working and Two- How Martha was doing. He said she wasn't doing. She passed away around 4:15am Sunday Morning. So- I go to church (an awesome little Spiritualist church) and told them about Justine and Martha. I prayed for them then hung out with a couple of friends for a few hours afterwards. (Wow, this is taking a long time to type but its nice to unload it all and I am feeling a bit better *sigh* bear with me and I'll get to my questions. . . I hope ^-^) Went home with every intention of do my drawing homework- didn't happen. On my way to work, I backed out of my driveway in a really weird way and caught my left front turn signal on a telephone pole right by out driveway. Work was alright- ish. Didn't sleep well last night and skipped both classes today. Yup.
Here's where things get weird. I'm not too sure how I should be feeling about Martha's passing. I mean, its sad that it happened but even though she lived with us for 2 years I never really spent much time with her or got to know her really well. Also a lot of the stress, strain and some personal issues arouse because she was living with us. I am relived that a great deal of stress will, hopefully, be gone now; however I feal kind of guilty thinking this because it seems like I am indirectly feeling thankful that Martha, Justine's mother has passed on which in turn brings on a bit of guilt for what I felt while she was still living with us (feeling resentful of my particular situation, feeling like my Dad was alowing my own growth and development to be postponed to keep alive a woman who wouldn't be around in another 30 years [this is more of a keeping the past alive at the expense of the future thing], etc, etc). So now, when I'm not distracted, have this whole circle of illogic running through my head. How the heck am I supposed to feel about this whole situation? GAH! >.. I'm sorry this is so long winded but this has been bugging me for a bit. I also probably forgot other stuff but this is long enough. Thank you to anybody with patience enough to read it though. Advise/whatever is greatly appreciated.