Lovers with Low Libidos...In Real Life

Dear Sir,

Do you have any thoughts on lovers with low libidos? I was hoping you could answer the question from both sides...what to do if you *are* a lover with a low libido, and what to do if you *have* a lover with low libido. I think we all want to get more, give more, and have more sex, but sometimes it's hard to persuade a pendulous partner to perform...and get in the mood ourselves. Are there foods we can find, books we can buy, or tricks we can try?

Sincerely,

A Sex-Starved Siren with a Stalling Submissive

P.S. Even if I'm asking Sir, please feel free to contribute! I've just always wanted to write a "Dear Sir" letter. Smile

Forums: 
Tigger's picture

Supplicant

Figured I ought to pipe in, since it was a comment of mine that prompted this (Thanks K!). Where to start...

Early years of my sex life were...busy. Lots of sex - and I eventually went into a tailspin and ended up having sex with lots of partners over the course of about 9 years. Not something I'm proud of, but it's something that happened. When I was married the first time, I was the one with a high libido and his was gone. I had to coerce him into sex with bj's, but it was better than nothing. I blamed it on age, because he was 7 years older than I was. Of course, I was a mere 21, but still...it was the only thing I could think of. We split, I met someone else. Same boat - I was the nympho, he was less than accommodating. Lest you think I was trying for several times a day, I had to beg to get it once a week. We were the same age (23) so I couldn't blame age that time. We eventually split (after almost two years, about two months before getting married, and NOT due to the sex issue) and I entered my "even more promiscuous" stage. About 11 months after the former relationship ended, I met my husband. We were both coming off bad relationships and decided that it would be smarter to have sex with one person than with several, and thus got together with the intent of being bed buddies. That was six years ago - we've been married for five. Smile

For the first little while, we were both nymphs. Two to three times a day, every day, was normal for us. Then? I went on birth control pills and mine disappeared. I went back OFF them to see if it would come back...nothing. That was 5 years ago. Since then it's been an uphill battle. I swore I would never ever make a mate of mine go through what I did with my ex-husband and ex-fiance, but that's exactly what I ended up doing. Husband has to "pester" me for sex (his words). I spent the first two years alternating between anger and guilt, crying every night because I didn't know where my sex drive went. I WANTED to please him, to have sex, to be close...but I didn't WANT to have sex. I have no real "desire" for it - I'm not "horny". (btw, i'm using "" because they're the only words I can think of that convey what I'm trying to say.) I got tired of the constant arguing about how often we were having sex about three years ago and started a calendar. I demand to be given credit for my attempts, and it shows us both exactly how often we're having sex. Don't get me wrong - I love the actual having of the sex, but getting up the energy and want in order to do it is a trial in and of itself. Husband is understanding these days - he knows I'm not "withholding" on purpose, or punishing him, that I WANT to want sex but that I just don't.

Some days my body is willing but my brain is elsewhere. Other days, my brain is willing but my body has other ideas entirely. I don't seem to be able to match them up very often. Some of it is the fibromyalgia, I'm sure, but that can't be all of it. It just can't. It's not that severe, and it's better now than it has been in a few years...and it wasn't bad until about two years ago, so that doesn't explain the first three years. I'm..at a loss as to what other info I can give. I feel like I'm running in circles at the moment, struggling to explain and failing miserably.

MsGamgee's picture

Embodiment

I mean, I have a relatively high drive, (I AM 19 years old, hello,) and I'm always up for it, but every few months I will go MAD for it. This is difficult when the significant other is at a different school and I have a roommate. I don't know what that signifies for me, and there are days when I'm just kind of ehhh about the whole thing, but the occasional OH MY GOD NEED is puzzling. Appreciated by my dearest, but puzzling.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Smile Chart it. I betcha.

MsGamgee's picture

Embodiment

it's not every month. It's like... once every three or four months. I mean, you may be totally right, but I'd think it would be more consistent?

MeiLin's picture

Most High

it wouldn't be hormonal. Wink

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

are created equal. Smile

Some months the hormones that you produce that cause ovulation may be stronger than other months. Perhaps you don't ovulate every month (but then you'd have really wonky cycles). The levels of estrogen and testosterone in the body can also vary from month to month, day to day, depending on meds we take, foods we eat, etc.

MsGamgee's picture

Embodiment

I'm on the pill? And it's not even a regular tri-phasic one, it's the monophasic, and the hormones stay the same all month except for the last week. I mean, I suppose I'm still producing some hormones of my own, so they could be throwing it off, but I guess I was led to believe that under the influence of hormonal birth control, said hormones have less of a range of change. What you're saying makes a lot of sense, though.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

In my opinion and from what I know of hormonal birth control, which is a fair bit, you shouldn't have that much hormonal variation being on the pill. I would guess your libidinous fluctuations are situational.

MsGamgee's picture

Embodiment

I really enjoy your use of the phrase, "libidinous fluctuations."

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

It sounds hotter, right? Biggrin

magalicious's picture

Postulant

... for your english skills! (Like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills... Wink Girls like girls with skills.)
Mags

Paisleigh's picture

Devotee

I get the same thing, more or less almost monthly. This month though its pretty bad >.

The Vixen's picture

Devotee

Gasp!!! I wonder if it is the birth control...

I used to be the nympho in the relationship, but ever since I got with mein Herr (he said I can't use his name... he's sitting next to me, reading over my shoulder) he actually has to pester me for sex.

Now personally, I think it's because his libido is just insane... I mean, his libido is seriously insane, an hour later he'll be like "so... again?"... "NO! Go to class!!"

But I think part of it is that I can get it whenever I want. Plus, I do. When I couldn't get it that often, and when I didn't get it that often it was a treat. Now, it's like "sex... but I had that last night..."

Usually, I'll either just let him take his need, but he has to understand that I probably won't be that into it; or sometimes if he spends a lot of time working on me, then I'll get in the mood. Usually what helps the most is stuff that starts out not being sexual, back massages, making out, bathing each other etc. Eventually, the touching can start at sensitive areas and erogenous zones, and that usually ends in a satisfied evening.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

For me:
Blindfolds! I love them, for some reason. It's not an BDSM thing in any way, it's just that you're much more aware of touch if you can't see. Also back massages, like The Vixen. Back massage <3

For the boy:
Well, he's not that hard to entice, honestly Biggrin But he's pretty much incapable of staying away from me if he knows I'm playing with myself. Even if it's 4 am and he's trying to sleep, if he knows I'm playing with myself he'll roll over and join in the fun.

DanEGurl's picture

I sympathize completely... I used to have crazy libido, and all the fun physical side effects (lubrication, easily aroused, etc) that went with it. Then I went on the Pill for 5 years (not even for birth control because I wasn't having intercourse, it was because of bad periods)... I've now been off it for 4, and the sex drive is still that of an 80 year old. If I had only known it could be permanent Sad Apparently in some women the Pill permanently changes things in your liver so that you make more Sex Hormone Binding Globule (SHBG) than you should, so it binds with all your unbound testosterone and poof, no more libido (and no more lubrication, no more reaching orgasm, etc. etc)

http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/news/20060003211443_health_news.shtml

TheFerret's picture

Devotee

i hate em i hate em i hate em i hate em i....
can I say that too many times? Is it possible? I'm about exactly 5 months from getting my tubes tied and happy to do it so we don't have to deal w/ condoms anymore. (But I've been warned by a friend that killed his wife's libido).
Those stupid bc pills destroyed my libido and made me insane (think having PMS 28 - 31 days a month) for the 1st 9 years of our marriage, and I didn't realize it until after I'd stopped taking them. I can't claim it's been all sunshine & roses for the last 2 yrs pill-free, but it sure has helped.

I say the pills destroyed my libido, I just didn't realize it. Mr Ferret is my 1st & only man, so going straight into the marriage w/ my new pills, I didn't realize I wasn't normal. He had to BEG. Beg, plead, whine. Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary sex was about all he could count on and it took a lot of convincing and work on his part to get me revved up. By a lot of work, I mean a whole lot of tongue and finger work on me. For up to an hour before I could get worked up enough to return the favor.

It wasn't just the pills - I'm sure going in & out of depression had *nothing* to do with it.
I really didn't think anything was wrong. I just didn't care about sex. Deep down, I think I knew something was wrong; I knew it was a problem with me. When I went off the pills to try for daughter #1, we'd been married 5 years and suddenly I cared about sex. I wanted it, I liked it, and I almost missed it when we didn't get it on.
Went back on the pills, sex stopped. Almost cold. Did I manage to make a connection? Nope. Start thinking something was wrong? Finally.

It took a long time for it to finally sink in, but I finally realized the problem was with me. Having a happy, satisfied hubby is partially my responsibility. If sex is part of what makes a complete couple, and makes him a complete man, and I'm not giving him sex, then I've got to change something.
It didn't always work, and it took a ton of work on my part. To let him start the cuddles that lead to sex. To every once in a while say "hey, you want some?" (yes, that's all it takes, and I know very few guys will find that shocking.)
Now that I've been off the pills for a couple years, it's been stunning to find out I enjoy and actually WANT sex. on occasion Wink
I discovered I can tell to the minute when I ovulated, and that was a time when I suddenly couldn't keep my hands off him. Who needs getting warmed up?

I think I understand a LOT of what Tigger is trying to say. I know there's a part of my brain that knows I like sex, that it's a good thing. But I can't begin to make myself care (ok, so being preggo is seriously messing with me. I want sex, but my body is screaming NO at me w/ all the new pains it's throwing at me)

Nye's picture

Supplicant

My husband has no libido and no interest in sex... I have tons. I still don't have the answer.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

The birth control thing is interesting. I took birth control for a few months in high school in an attempt to clear up my acne (didn't work so I stopped), and that pretty much coincides with a moderate drop in my sex drive... then again, that was also coincides with my then-adolescent body getting more mature, so it could just be because of that.

Now, to address the actual issue at hand: Google has a lot to say about this. I looked up "How to increase testosterone" (without the quotes) and there were a number of sites that listed foods and exercise habits that could help. I don't want to list any of them here because I'm not sure how accurate any of the sites are, but it's worth looking into. One of them did say that fish oil decreases SHBG levels, so eating salmon might be worth a try! Here's the link to that one, in case anyone's interested: http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Guide-to-Fruits-that-Increase-Testosterone&i...

Also, this might be a somewhat unconventional approach... but if you're into kinky stuff then you could give chastity devices a try. Sometimes the idea of sex isn't particularly exciting, but when you imagine being denied sex and not even being allowed to touch yourself, it's suddenly impossible to forget about. Kind of like being told that you can't ever have chocolate again -- even if you normally wouldn't crave chocolate very often, it's going to be on your mind because of the denial. Oh, and I'm sure everyone knows this, but if you're planning on leaving a partner in a locked chastity device then there should be a key /somewhere/ that they can access in case something happens to you.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

I don't have a really low libido, but I noticed that one of the things that increases it is exercise (which seemed counterintuitive at first...I was afraid I would be to physically tired to be as interested). I started running for 20-30 minutes every day. Not only did it increase my sex-drive almost as soon as I changed my routine, but it made me feel sexier, which also increased my sex-drive.

I would also recommend (forgive me if this is obvious and you've done this a hundred times) talking to your doctor. If your doctor doesn't have a solution, maybe he/she could refer you to a specialist in hormones or sex things or even a gynecologist (or male equivalent for our boy readers with low libidos).

The Vixen's picture

Devotee

I'm pretty sure that exercise increases testosterone (probably explains why Slagar can't stop thinking about sword fighting and having sex), so getting a good workout often may be a good answer.

RandomScientist's picture

Petitioner

I'm so glad to read this and realize maybe it's not just me having this problem.
First off, I'll say I never had a very high libido. Emotional intimacy has always been more what I craved. But when I got involved with my now-husband, I started discovering that physical intimacy could be fun when with someone I trusted. I started on birth control pills around the time we got married, and like several other people have mentioned, my interest in sex started declining and eventually pretty much vanished. But so did my horrible cramps and migraines, so I'm loathe to give them up.
For quite a while, I assumed it was the stress I was under, the weight I'd gained as a result of the stress I was under, etc. But then I was off my pills for a few months recently (changing doctors, pharmacies, insurance companies, etc), and that's the only time in the past year that I've been interested in sex. Got the insurance thing sorted out, back on the pills, and that evaporated.

I wonder if it has something to do with how far from your normal cycle the birth control hormones deviate. I used to run long cycles (36 days not uncommon) with what I suspect were some pretty uneven hormone levels, judging by the migraines and such. So I kinda think the pills evening my system out to more stable levels over a 28 day cycle lost me both the lows that caused migraines and the highs that drive libido. If only I could find a way to get one back without the other...

It's nice to know I'm not the only one in this sort of situation, but it doesn't look like I'm seeing much advice on how to deal with it either. At this point, we're looking at having kids once our finances are more stable, and my mother said her migraines largely went away after her first pregnancy, so I'm hoping I won't have to go back on pills and maybe things will get better. Regardless, it's nice to have a place where I can discuss it and see similar stories so I feel a bit less like something's wrong with me specifically.

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

There are some tests you can have done that will help figure out why you have migraines and cramps. Judging by the fact that they go away when you're on birth control pills, I'd be willing to be you have endometriosis. (The lining of your uterus grows on the outside as well as the inside, and it can also grow in several other places.) Endo can be easy to treat, depending on the severity, and there are other ways to keep it at bay other than the evil pill. There are other things that can be done to treat the wacky hormone levels, and a regular ob/gyn should be able to help you. The trouble is finding one that will take you seriously.

And no - endo does not mean you can't have children. It simply means it's more difficult. My sister and one of my cousins both have it. My sister had to have a d&c every two years to stay "cleaned" out, and it took her 5 years to have her first child and four to have the second...but she never went through fertility treatments, charting, nothing. My cousin has severe endo and was told she'd never have children - she had a surprise daughter. Smile

RandomScientist's picture

Petitioner

This probably sounds stupid, but it's never occurred to me to talk to a doctor about my lack of interest in sex. While I was in grad school, I assumed it was just the stress and unhappiness of the situation, and I kind of looked at it as some sort of emotional block I'd need to get past. My husband, trained in psychology, often seemed like he was screening me for depression when we talked about it; given his field, that's the context he was familiar with for reduced libido. After grad school, I've been much happier and more relaxed, so I was hoping things would get better, and I know he was too. But the only time my libido has changed is while I was off the pills for a little while. I also missed a relatively important meeting at work due to a migraine during that time span, so I was mostly just focused on getting my insurance sorted out and getting back on the pills to stop the migraines from coming back and screwing up my new job I love.

I feel kind of silly that, as a biologist, I've been thinking of this as something wrong with me emotionally instead of looking for physical factors responsible. As I've discussed elsewhere on these fora, I've always felt like I had less interest in sex than most people and just don't understand lust in a lot of ways. So I'm kind of hesitant to talk about it because I just feel like it's my problem that no one else understands, and I'm afraid people will look at me like a freak. Given the responses I'm seeing in this thread, I'm now feeling more like this could be a medical condition, and I'm wondering why I never really thought about that before. Regardless, since we do want kids once we're financially stable enough for it, I do need to find an ob/gyn and it seems like these are some good questions to ask.

So thanks for helping me reframe this problem into something that I may be able to deal with more easily.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

My mother also says that her hormone symptoms moderated after she had us kids - less menstrual cramps, less ovulation pain, less headaches, less acne (not zero, but less). NOT worth getting pregnant for unless you want a kid anyways, but certainly one of the few positive side effects some women get from pregnancy.

I also think you're probably right about the effects of how much the pill hormones deviate from your natural ones in amount/cycle. I was super regular even before the pills (almost always 28-29 days), so going on to them was really easy for me and I haven't had a problem with libido despite being on pills for seven years now. However I also suspect sometimes that I have a higher-than-average level of testosterone for a women (might explain why I love sparring/grappling in karate class so much!), so perhaps that helps 'insulate' me from negative effects?

I also second whomever it was that suggested going to a doctor for low libido if you haven't already. If nothing else, they can do blood tests to rule out hormone issues (pituitary gland problems, testosterone levels, etc) and obvious physical/mental causes, and steer you towards specialists if that's what's needed.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

My hormones did a BIG adjustment after pregnancy. I concur with your mom.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

I think, regardless of gender and sex, each person has a base libido. Some people are hornier than others. There's so much societal pressure to meet various sexual expectations, and this can lead to people thinking they're 'abnormal' or 'broken' if they don't approximate some lofty goal. But in sexuality, there is no normal; or at least, that's what I firmly believe. So I think the first thing to do is throw out any sort of idea that you 'should' be wanting a certain amount of sex. Whatever you want is right for you.

But if you *know* that you *usually* have a higher libido - that something feels off for your normal status, which is the only true norm - then you can see what might be the cause. I think hormones, natural and synthetic, are frequently at fault. I do think the birth control pill is the most glaring libido-killer for women, without a doubt. I often credit it for the social conception that women are less horny then men, which I don't believe to be true for a minute in the absence of drugs. Other prescription drugs, exhaustion, stress, depression, anxiety, and body image issues are also common culprits. If you suspect what might be dampening your sex drive, try to treat that and your libido has a chance to bounce back on its own.

My late husband had a substantially lower libido than I, and it was a big problem. Our biggest, I'd say. I would not marry someone with a lacking libido again, because sex is too important for me in a relationship. I tried a lot of things to increase his libido, and in retrospect it was the typical woman-trying-to-change-her-man scenario. In the end I did accept that it was simply how he was, but if I had accepted that fact sooner I'd have been happier. Open relationship discussions would have started sooner; I could have explored other options for myself. Just like two subs or two doms, people with mismatched libidos will struggle, and I honestly feel it's better to avoid more than minor sexual incompatibility altogether.

Eleonora's picture

Devotee

I went off the pill two years ago, and now I actually am quite regular. I used to have 5 to 6 weeks (before the pill) and cramps and one week before I would already get all the "fun" stuff. The last time I had cramps again for the first time after I quit the pill that required me to take an ibuprofen (I was pacing in my room until the stupid thing worked after waking up in the middle of the night). But I do think my libido is higher off the pill than on. And basically exchanging 21 pills a month for one painkiller is not that bad a deal.
As for the libido thing, I don't have any experience with partners, but I've noticed that I fall asleep more easily if I have an orgasm. My thoughts won't turn as much. So even if I'm not in the mood I'm usually pretty determined to have that stupid orgasm. The trick for me is to really concentrate. I know some fantasies will almost always work, so I think about that, but I have to think only about that and not some other things. I think it takes a certain type of stubbornness and goal oriented thinking, and if I'm too tired it won't work, I'll just give up and go to sleep.

girlthing's picture

Petitioner

I've been finding taht depression, big life changes, stress, and related things are lowering my libido. I'm really seriously coinsidering getting therapy or counselling, and I think excercize would help a lot too so I'm looking into different dojo's in the area I am moving to. I've always struggled with depression, so I think that's the biggest factor for me. I'm on birth control and I havent really seen a huge difference for me, so like someone mentioned earlier it may have something to do with forcing your body into a different cycle than your natural one.

fremmed's picture

Petitioner

My husband definitely rates high on the libido scale and these days I live somewhere around zero (for me there has been a distinct connection to the lovely birth control, even after I switched to the ring). Sometimes I even feel guilty for health reasons given the research out there about men living longer and better lives with more sex. Strangely enough, lately I've been discovering that one thing that actually helps my libido is regular sex. Felt a bit like going to the gym for a bit, but it's kind of hit a libido reset button for me. Not that I'm running on high octane, but at least I'm not so grumpy.

I have to say, this is the last place that I thought I would find so many voices that resonated with my own feelings. Thanks folks.

NekoMegi's picture

Petitioner

I always sort of suspected the pills of killing my sex drive, but I didn't know if that made sense or not. My natural sex drive has been, well...bordering on ridiculous. So imagine my confusion when my ex and I were having fights about not having enough sex. And now that we are not together, and I'm not taking any sort of birth control? Well, sex on the brain 24/7. *laughs*

It's just really nice to know I'm not alone, and that I wasn't crazy.

Bluescreen's picture

So - any suggestions for someone who's not on the pill, never been on the pill, and not displaying obvious signs of medical issues (regular migraines or cramping)?

Just ... low interest? Regardless of the awesomeness of her boyfriend? :?

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

My best three guesses:
1) Nothing is wrong, you just happen to have a lower drive than your boyfriend. It's just another thing for the two of you to deal with as a couple (no problems? good! causing a problem? listen/talk/compromise).
2) non-physical inhibitors of your sex drive, like excess stress or depression
3) talk to your doctor about other possibilities (hormone levels, pituitary gland, good blood circulation...) to make sure that there isn't any non-obvious medical issues going on in the background.

My bet is on number one, but two and three are worth considering for general health reasons as well increasing your libido if that's what you want.

Davik's picture

Embodiment

This is actually shedding some light on my last serious relationship, and since we're both scientists (her a biochemist), it's something we really should have noticed ourselves. I always had the higher sex drive, but she went from being the type who would go "we've got half an hour, let's have sex" then have multiples, to needing some coaxing to get started, taking an hour or two to have an orgasm, and then only from oral. Said she would get really close, and stay there for most of the time, but just couldn't get the rest of the way. The only upside to that was that after all of that time and attention at least they were big ones Blum 3 I may have to mention this to her the next time we talk.

November's picture

Well, I thought it might be the pills for me, but I have changed them atleast four times during theese three years of steady relationship. And I have also tried not using pills, but this doesen`t help and makes my guy want less since we have to use a condom. I also thought it might be his size since it takes me about three days after a night with sex to, well, sit right. and I get quite sore. But that shouldn`t be a problem for wanting it, right?

I just think my relationship with sex might somewhat be damaged. I have a rough past and then when I finaly found my mr one and only we just have to live with that I come with some dents. Luckily he understands and theese days I live half a country apart from him so it`s a bit easier.

But beeing 19 and knowing that atleast right now I don`t want sex more than maybe once every other week, and needs to get really worked up and he have to practicly beg for it more often, never reaching orgasm with my partner. It really, really sucks! I don`t know how many nights I have cried over this and I always feel super guilty, but it`s something I have to work with.

Eleonora's picture

Devotee

Having pain after sex can definitely influence your wanting it. It's like pavlov's dog, but than the other way around.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

Soreness: Is size actually the problem? Take a measuring tape to your guy's jewels (unless he's banging against your cervix we're more interested in circumference than length here) and talk to your ob/gyn about how big you and he are. Unless he's really massive or you are pretty darn small, insufficient lubrication (see also the Smoking After Sex link in the sidebar) or really rigorous activity seem to me to be more likely culprits.

Rough Past: Would therapy help? Not everyone is as fond of therapy as the US, but it's something to think about.

No orgasm: Can you come from masturbation? If you don't know, try to find out. If you can, then do during sex what gets you off when you masturbate. If you can't, it can be any number of things from not having found the right stimulus yet to a psychological, hormonal or physiological problem.

Feeling guilty: Don't. Easier said than done, I know, but seriously, don't. Talk with your guy for reassurance, and maybe think about the therapist thing.

Low libido: If sex doesn't do it for you right now, why would your body want more of it? This could still be an independent problem, sure, but I think it more likely that it's a result of all the other stuff going on in your life ganging up on your libido and beating it to a pulp.

November's picture

well, size was more more of a problem when we first got together (age for legall sex is 16 in norway, just saying) but yeah, I am kinda small and he is rather large both in length and around, but it is always pleasurable, kind of a nice kinda hurt you know. But I can totaly see the parlov dog reference, but of coursse we use alot, ALOT of lube and it doesent always hurt afterwards. Blum 3

I went to therapy for two years but they wanted to medicate me and I don`t belive medicationg my depression was going to help. there is a spesific reason I have this depression and I need to confront and deal with that issue, I have somewhat but this is something that will take alot of work from my side. since I know what I need to do I don`t see the usage in blocking the help line from someone who need help more than I do.

I can easily come from mastrubation, thing is I have to do it all by myself. My guy have given me an orgasm once and we were both shocked Blum 3 I don`t feel there is anything wrong with it and he has come to term with it and doesen`t think of himself as less manly. as said, we have talked alot, and talking definitly helps.

I have come to seen that sometimes it hurts the partner just as much as yourself, it`s no fun being the boy in the relationship with a girl who has first of more experience then you do, despise you being older. then she suddendly doesent want sex at all and you can`t get her off. of course I understood this and have had to have seriously many talks about this. you just have to be reassuring. I want this guy no matter what and sex, although difficult and important, will not be the only reason I leave someone.

that said I have not been wanting sex for over two years and I continue hoping some magic will appear and make it all better. It just feels so hopeless not to have controll over your own body and emotions! I did really think for a time that this might be him turning me off, but I have come to see thats not it. I think my biggest fear is that he will discover someone with matching sex drive and body and leave me, and I pray to god that doesen`t happens

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

Medication: I am most emphatically NOT a friend of medicating psychological problems, for probably much the same reasons as you. Medication, as I see it in cases like yours, isn't the therapy, it is what may make the therapy possible by getting your mind into a state where it can deal with the issue it needs to confront and solve. Just a thought - it's your mind, after all. Smile

Orgasms: So what's different when you go it all alone? Different movie in your head? Different stimulus? The guy pounding into you derailing you from your path to the big O? Something else? Might be worth finding out... How about you masturbate in front of him and then perhaps gradually increase his involvement in your pleasure?

Libido and (in)frequency of sex: What happens when you get between the sheets although your libido is down? Is it "lie back and think of Norway" all the way through? Do you get into the groove after a while, after which it's genuinely pleasurable even though there's a lack of O? If it's the latter, it might be worth thinking of your lack of libido as something to "just power through", at least occasionally.

November's picture

Orgasms for me is mostly a way to unwind, relax and take the egde of a bad day.
sex is about closeness and sharing a moment with your love one. I don`t crave orgasms during sex, maybe I just think of it as something private. although I can mastrubate in bed before sex to get him (and me) in the mood or something like that.

haha, no I don`t just lie back and think of norway, although all those mountains covered in snow is sure to make me hot *snicker*
I do sometime take initiative myself, and it is always nice, the closeness and cuddling and peace that follows. but I don`t know why I do not wanna do it more than say max once a week. And when he tries to seduce me in anyway I might actually end up annoyed and hurting his feelings Sad
If I know it has been a long time and I know he really needs to get it out of his system I tend to focus on other positive parts of his body, his nice smell, the touch of his skin. Always trying to make the situasion positive (and I tend to get into the mood myself after a while.) Because if not it would kinda feel forced and ugly and I dont do forced sex.

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

But I haven't seen Sir address this post at all. Sad I was looking forward to reading a response from him.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

He'll get to it, he promises.

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

I figured that was the case, just wanted to poke and say "pretty please?!" Smile

Add new comment

Get an exclusive free ebook from the world of the Intimate History! Exclusive content, contests, new releases and more.