Subtle Segue into Sexual Subjects?

So I was going to write a post about a kind of unhappy subject, but in writing about it I kind of realized I need to talk to the person involved to solve it, instead of you guys (no offence Wink )
so instead, you get to answer another, more fun question for me:
I'm an incredibly curious girlthing: how can I introduce the idea of experimenting with bondage to my boyfriend/partner? he's an incredibly considerate, caring, sweet guy, but we're both pretty non-confrontational and shy and nerdy and all that. I'm trying to figure out how to approach it (and how others have approached it) without making him feel like he has to do what I ask, or even that I'll like it. I might, or might not! I just want to try.
I know it's hard to answer this when you don't know all angles of the situation, but it'd be nice to have a few suggestions for when I decide to broach the subject. Smile I'm moving back in with him in a month's time, so it will be a good chunk of time after that happens (and regular sex begins) that I will be talking to him about it.
partially related stories/suggestions welcome. thank you, all.

Forums: 
Saramander's picture

Petitioner

Just ask him. "Hey sweetie, I saw/read/heard about sex with handcuffs being fun and I was wondering if you'd be interested in trying it?" If you're not one for the direct approach, start asking about his sexual fantasies, slip in the idea of bondage when you tell him about yours "I've often wondered/fantasized about being tied up/tying someone up." Or, watch a movie with some kind of bondage in it and comment strategically "That looks kinda fun." If you think there's a chance he would be in to it, you could always just pull out some rope when the time is right Wink We have these awesome "Japanese silk handcuffs" that we bought at a sex shop that are really great. Its just some really soft rope fashioned in to cuffs that are easy to slip on. Its tied in such a way that it doesn't cut off circulation, but is snug and secure, making for a very comfortable bondage experience. The key is just to be open, honest, and non-demanding. Let him know that you totally understand if he's not interested, but don't let the possibility of his disinterest keep you from exploring this part of your sexuality. You never know, he may be wondering how to ask YOU to experiment with bondage Smile Good Luck!

Laureril's picture

Supplicant

The best thing you can do is be open and honest. My first "Oh, hey, that really turns me on" moment was when a boyfriend held my hands above my head in the middle of a tickle fight that quickly dissolved into make-out session. I mentioned it later, and things progressed from there. In my experience, if you give a geek/nerd enough information to pique their interest, they'll sometimes go out and research it just for the sake of learning more. Use it to your advantage. Smile

Just remember to keep a pair of sharp blunt-tipped scissors or a knife handy and double-check on how to tie a knot that won't slide down and cut off circulation.

Davik's picture

Embodiment

Heh, you have no idea how right you are... I spent more time than I can recall researching things that my last girlfriend mentioned turned her on. And as far as the knots, this area is just about the only use I have found for the vast majority of the knots I learned in boyscouts Smile

girlthing's picture

Petitioner

he has actually done the research thing in response to me mentioning oral, so that is a really good point. Smile

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

If you know what sounds appealing, just start the conversation. It doesn't have to be a demand in any way. Are you worried that expressing desires will put pressure on you guys to do them? Make sure you start with a preface about that then.

"I was thinking about sexual fantasies lately. Sharing them doesn't mean we have to DO them or even should do some of them... but do you wanna share fantasies and maybe see if there are some we might try?" That didn't come out perfectly, but you know, it has to just be honest coming from YOU and the way you say things!

I would also just go with, "Hey, have you ever thought about bondage?" You could then say which things are kind of intriguing to you and just see where it goes.

A's picture

Postulant

That would be a great way to introduce the subject. After a few glasses of your favorite fermented beverage, start sharing fantasies and see what developes. A simple silk scarf or bathrobe tie will get you started, you don't have to hit the shops right off the start, though if you get really into it, you'll want to! The Japanese silk handcuffs sound awesome, I'll have to see if our local place has those...

V's picture

Embodiment

Use the fermented beverages to support only the sharing, never ever the trying.

girlthing's picture

Petitioner

hahaha, noted!

Mira's picture

I was also really awkward with how to talk to my boyfriend about bondage and flogging at first, but he turned out to be really understanding. He's fairly vanilla by nature, but if it turns me on it makes him happy. Smile I tend to favor the direct approach, but indirect works as well. As a general rule, if you tell your significant other something that really does/might turn you on, and they don't have an already built aversion to it, they are willing to try it at least.

girlthing's picture

Petitioner

I'm expecting some awkwardness, since I think he's a little bit "vanilla" also. previous lines of questioning havent shown any kinks on his side, and he's always very gentle with me... however, I think you and other's are also right in that he would probably be up for trying things if I mention an interest.

Swedgin's picture

I recommend the "sex toy of the month" club. Not that there really is one of which to be a member. Simply put, try to get the boy to agree to buy or order a toy, video, special oil, movie, etc. with you every month. You can alternate months on who gets to pick what you want to buy. Depending on how open-minded your partner is you can make arrangements to either talk about what you are going to buy before hand, or just agree that you will both try what the other one picks at least once after it arrives on your doorstep. This works for exploring BDSM or as an ice breaker for most any sort of play you might want to try. Just make sure you work your way up to ordering the strap-on, and don't make clovers the first set of clamps you buy.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

I haven't wanted to spend the $$. And hi, Swedgin! Nice to see you around.

Swedgin's picture

and should be obeyed Wink . You can do "toy of the quarter." Make it a birthday/anniversary/child leaving the home, 3-day weekend celebration thing...just alternate who gets to pick whatever you're buying. You don't need to budget for a Sybian every month...some months a roll of bondage tape, some rope, a book on rope bondage, etc. can work just fine and be just as fun.

Oh, and I never strayed too, too far. Smile

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... if talking or sharing fantasies isn't your thing would be to ask your partner to hold your hands down either at your side or above your head while you're having sex, then let a comment slip afterwards how hot you found that. Escalate from there as appropriate. Smile

Should you find that you like struggling while in bondage, I would strongly recommend not using silk scarves or bathrobe ties, though, unless you like to be cut free afterwards - silk especially can hold knots like no-one's business.

fremmed's picture

Petitioner

but hey, if nothing else works for you, you could just tickle him a lot when you're being intimate and he'll have to pin your arms }:).

girlthing's picture

Petitioner

ours always turn into finger-up-your-nose fights. we can't help it!

Ely's picture

Petitioner

For me, the time when you're exhausted, snuggling and enjoying the after-glow is an excellent time to talk about sexual fantasies and preferences, in a relaxed and non-committing way (because it seldoms feels like a request at that point).

A very indirect approach I tried once, when I was too conflicted to admit what turned me on, was to browse damsel-in-distress/shibari websites, and leave the pages open on a shared computer.
It worked; but I discovered direct communication later on, and it's much more efficient to get what you want Smile

As an aside, I think what my beloved enjoys most is not the bondage itself, but the knowledge of a secret weapon that makes me tick. Illustration this afternoon, when we were waiting for my plane at the airport... I'll admit I was teasing him, but he retaliated with a whispered account of how he would tie me up and do all sorts of things to me, and he's very good at telling stories. I wasn't very steady going through airport security. Scratch that, I was biting my lips the whole trip. And as far as I know, he's still grinning...

sherinik's picture

Postulant

My thought was the tried-and-true method used by children near Christmas time of leaving a toy catalogue open conveniently on the kitchen bench with big circles marked on it - although my style would be to leave red-cover romance books on the bedside table and do some warm-up reading while waiting for him to come to bed. Then after he's done appreciating the benefits! mention that reading that stuff gets you revved, maybe read some together.

Could be fun if you purposely choose badly written books - anyone read Anne Bishop's Blood series? The last book has a couple of lovely scenes that start with a badly written sex scene being read by the female characters. Things progress from there...sigh!

I like the shared computer twist though, gives a lot more scope - although mine is available to my kids so that wouldn't be a good idea...

girlthing's picture

Petitioner

both good ideas. Smile he first told me he loved me while spooning during my first trip out to see him in the city.... I think he's most comfortable with talking when we're like that. we also tend to blurt out what we really want to say when we're in bed drifting off.

Nye's picture

Supplicant

There are a number of good suggestions above. If you get past the scarf and bedpost or just want to know more... you could get a copy of Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Hondbook. It's a good getting started book. He has more advanced bondage material, but that one is a very good primer.
It's probably available through Amazon, bot it's also at www.greenerypress.com.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

get a girlfriend to get you a set of fuzzy handcuffs for your birthday or something (or get some yourself). A box of sex toys/lube/cute coupley things makes a great valentines day present, and fuzzy handcuffs would be a perfect, cute, surreptitious little hint that might get the conversation or action rolling. Valentines day or anniversaries are my favorite times to break out new stuff I've wanted to try. You could also find some really sexy light bondage porn that contains other elements you know he likes, and leave it up on your computer...looking back now, I guess Ely already said that, but it's worked on a few occasions and it's a pretty good idea. I also like fremmed's idea of tickling him until he has to pin your arms, or, if you want to be on top, when you're going at it sometime, just pin his Smile If he's uncomfortable, he'll probably stop you, and either way, awesome segue into something you can talk about later. Just start light...no need to break out the ball gag and straightjacket on the first time. Scarves, fuzzy handcuffs, and anything you can pin down with your hands or other body parts. Good luck and have fun.

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