Know Any Good Riddles?

Two vomits were walking down the street when one got sad and wheepy.

The other vomit asked what was wrong.

The first vomit responded, this is where I was brought up.

Here's a former lab partner's favorite bad science joke:
Two atoms are walking down the street. One of them stops and looks concerned. "Oh no! I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" the other asks.
"Sure? I'm positive!"

Riddles are a hobby of mine, so I could probably come up with lots of those. I'll start now with a creative thinking puzzle that a physics prof I knew used to get his freshmen thinking instead of just memorizing information:
Three ants are standing together. One ant says, "I see two ants in front of me." A second ant says, "I see two ants beind me." The third ant says, "I see two ants in front of me AND two ants behind me." How do you explain this?

Since I've just realized I have no idea how to change text color to post hidden text with the answer, I'll give people a bit to think and then come back with the answer if no one's gotten it. (Also, that will give me time to think of more favorite riddles...)

a sadist and a masochist are walking down the street. The masochist turns to the sadist and says hurt me and the sadist says no

Yeah it's really bad!!!

Starts like a bad joke, but I promise it's a riddle...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender does not give him a drink or say a word. He simply draws a shotgun from behind the bar and points it at the man. The man thanks the bartender and leaves.
Why?

Answer:
(not until you've really thought about it, or what's the fun?)

I like riddles and even won a Hobbit style riddle compitition once. I eventually won with this riddle.

After years of stealing a thief is finally caught and brought before the king. The king, sentences the man to death. However he leaves a small chance for the thief to walk out of this allive.
The thief is told that before he well be hung he is presented two boxes, each holding 5 beans (10 in total). Nine of these beans are black, one of them is white. If the thief manages to grab the white bean while blindfolded he is set free. The black beans mean that he is hung.
The thief is then sent back to the prison, where he will wait for the next day. During this time he hears one of the guards talk to another guard. He mentiones that he exchanged the white bean with a black bean. Whatever the thief picks, he will die!
The thief is shocked by this, but suddenly thinks of a way to regain his freedom for sure!
What must the thief do to survive and regain his freedom?

Note:
There is a way that the thief will ALWAYS get his freedom. Turning the boxes arround and showing that there are no white beans will not work (the king wil order new boxes, giving only a 1 to 10 chance of survival).

hanged.
Hung is very different.

choose the bean the guard is carrying?

The most recent chapter in my serial, Chatoyant College, is about a riddling contest, and we're having a riddling contest at the forums (though no one has posted anything yet--that's OK, I only posted the opening a few hours ago)... feel free to come and join in!

My favorite page for that is Brent N. Reeve's Real Riddles.

I've been able to solve probably 3/4 of them, but there's a couple that I'm just not sure what tack I'm supposed to take, and others where I have a guess but am not convinced it's optimal. I really like Trouble in River City since solving it taught me a little algorithmic trickery }:)

...are from Beatrix Potter.

One of the things my neighbors/Dad's friends like to share are jokes. I have two posted on my Facebook so I shall go retrieve them now. And if I think of any others I'll post them here as well (While not riddles per-say they are pretty cool non-the-less ^-^)

TALE 1:

Farmer Joe, a pig farmer from Ohio, decides to visit his brother Ted, who is a pig farmer in Texas, for a couple of weeks. Every morning Farmer Joe watches as his Farmer Ted picks up his prize hog Bernard and carries him under an apple tree to feed him. First Ted holds Bernard under one apple and patiently waits as Bernard eats the apple in front of him then moves him to another apple and so on and so forth. Ted does this for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening, picking up his pig to feed him fresh-from-the-tree apples.
After watching his brother do this for a week, Farmer Joe goes up to his brother and asks him "Ted," he says "Ted, why is that you spend an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening holding this pig under that apple tree to fed him? Wouldn't it save time to shake down the apples from the tree and let Bernard pick his way through the apples at his own pace?"
Farmer Ted stands there a moment, scratching his head thinking. He asks his brother "Why wouldn't I want to fed Bernard this way?'
"Because its a waste of time. Think of what could be done with the two hours you'd save."
Ted thinks about this a moment then asks his brother "What is time to a pig?"

Tale 2

There was once a bird that lived long ago, high in the Andes called a Phoo bird. Now this bird was massive, it had an 8 foot wing span and could look a 4 year old child in the eye. However, this bird had a strange method of defence- whenever it was attacked it would fly high into the air and shit on its attacker. The trick with this method of defence was when the attacker would clean itself, a film of the birds poo would stay on the skin, reacting with the air to create a deadly posion, killing the attacker. The only way a person could safely clean the Phoo poo off themselves would be to let it dry then scrape and scrub it off in a vacuum so it couldn't react with the air.
One day a great ornithologist-you know, someone who studies bird- wanted to see what he could learn about the elusive Phoo bird, so he took a group of fellow ornithologists, among them his wife, up into the Andes to see if they couldn't catch a glimps of the Phoo bird. Before leaving the village to trek through the jungle, he was warned of the toxitity of the Phoo poo. The ornithologist made a mental note and headed off into the jungle with his expiditaion.
After a week of searching with no sight of the bird, the ornithologist was wanting to give up and head back to he village. Little did he know that for the past three days he and his group had been followed by a Phoo bird. Now Phoo birds are sneaky little buggers, they can glide behind their prey for hours, days even, without being noticed and thats exactly what this one did. Just as the group turned back to head towards the village the Phoo bird swooped up behind the ornithologist, covering him in poo.
One thing to note about Phoo poo is that, not only is it toxic but it smells as well.
The ornithologist couldn't stand the smell and turned back to the river they were walking beside to rid himself of the Phoo poo that covered him.
As he walked towards the river his wife came up to him and said "Shouldn't you wait until we get back to the village so we can get you properly cleaned. They said the poo is toxic."
The ornithologist turned to his wife and said "I can not stand the smell of this, I am just going to rinse off to rid myself of the smell." Wadding into the river he begins to wash himself and as he does so the Phoo poo begins to react with the air and the ornithologist dies.
His now widowed wife turns to one of the native guides with them and asks him "What is the meaning of this? What is the moral?"
To which the native replies "If the Phoo shits, wear it"

Woops about that mistake. English isnt my main language and being dyslectic doesn't really help there. Random Scientist got the answer right!
The guard wil probably toss the white bean away, and telling the guard cheated wil result in a fair test (and the thief doesnt want a fair test, he wants to get out allive!)

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.

Here's another of my favorites. And since this is a classic, I'm going to assume someone will know the answer, so I'm not providing it.

He who makes me does not want me.
He who buys me does not need me.
He who uses me does not see me.
What am I?

To all Pet Owners

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollar for college.

And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

I actually tried to post this one as a guest back before I made an account, but it didn't work for some reason.

Okay, so you have six quarters, arranged like so:

___(1)
(2) (3) (4)
___(5)
___(6)

Your task is rearrange them so that there are four in a row both horizontally and vertically, but you can only move one coin. How is this possible?