Is it Just Me, or Does Sex Hurt?

I know it's not supposed to in general, but... sex is easily uncomfortable... isn't it? Without ever getting into the SM scene. I mean, the biggest shock to me when I first had sex was when I imagined what it would be like to have sex forcefully. How horrible being raped would be! How terrible if the person didn't care when you said, "Ouch!" "A little bit higher/slower/wetter. Let's try a slightly different position! Please be gentle to my vagina! Not so hard with the biting/scratching/grasping/sucking!" Am I just overly sensitive?

I usually don't experience a lot of pain, but... clitoral stimulation, tickling, "rough" sex acts, accidental misplaced body weight, positions that don't make it as easy to breathe, even making out... these can hurt! Yeah, the hurt is ignorable most of the time, but am I the only one who thinks sex is always a little bit painful? Just a bit?

Someone told me, "If it hurts, you're not doing it right." =/

I dunno... I just think when you're doing it "right"... sometimes it does!

Edit: My real question to others discussing this is, whether or not you think sex hurts, what hurts for you? How often?

Forums: 
Saramander's picture

Petitioner

Thats a really complicated issue. I actually am kinda the opposite of your situation, in that discomfort and roughness turns me on, but my boyfriend is REALLY sensitive, so I have to be gentle. Sex can be, and often is, painful. There are plenty of times if you are not aroused enough that the chafing outweighs the pleasure and all you can think of its "ok, how do I make him cum so this can stop hurting?". Personally (and I haven't figured out why yet) I actually tend to get abdominal cramps after sex and there isn't really much you can do about that. My point is, there is definitely alot of pain involved in sex and part of the journey with your lover is how to have sex in a way that isn't miserable for one or the other of you. Also, though, Speaking from the perspective of someone who has had to tone their passion down for thier lover, there is a certain amount of compromise, too. There are times I wish my boyfriend would just man up and let me scratch him or would hit me or whatever, but I don;t wnt to make him do something that makes him uncomfortable. The key is to be open and honest. If something hurts, speak up! Say "Ow, honey, lets try shifting over here a little bit" or "I'm not really getting much out of this position, d'you wanna try something else?" It can be really awkward at first, but if you love eachother, you will both want to make the sex as comfortable and pleasurable as possible, so you need to be cool with bringing that up.

NorthwoodsMan's picture

Embodiment

Now, if your guy was feeling like he wanted to be more vigerous and ratchet it up a notch, how would he tell you? How can he know that you want to cut loose and it's not you giving into his advances to satisify him?

Saramander's picture

Petitioner

Oh believe me, we've talked about this at length. he is not comfortable with hurting me, even if I like it. I know this and respect it. We are exploring other avenues (bondage is a big one and spanking seems to be sparking his interest) We are very open with each other and expect one another to bring things like this up, and do. If anything, alot of times, I feel like he is giving in to my advances to satisfy me...

NorthwoodsMan's picture

Embodiment

It can be done "right" and hurt very good. But yes, it can be uncomfortable and almost painful depending on your partner. Is your partner only focusing on what they want, what feels good to them, or are they striving for a mutually pleasurable experience.

I had one lover that I asked to give me "directions" to what she wanted and liked. But she took that as a signal that every encounter should be about her. It wasn't always physically uncomfortably or painful, but it was quite a turn off.

But that's not so much about what you were asking about, the physical discomfort. I guess, as a guy, it only gets uncomfortable when she moves and I get to deep. Yes, as much as it hurts for a guy to be banging your cervix, some guys don't care for it either. Otherwise, when it is hard to breath or gets too dry.

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

That last paragraph was exactly the kind of thing I was wondering. Smile

I do say all the things I listed if I need to. We both want to make it good for each other, so feedback is definitely not a problem.

Voyeur's picture

too busy at the moment to write a full post, but YES!! I totally agree!!

MsGamgee's picture

Embodiment

It doesn't really hurt unless I'm not in the mood. I mean, fingers and their attached nails make me nervous because I don't personally enjoy being scratched INSIDE MY BODY, but if I'm very much into it, it's not something I worry about. Also, my boyfriend easily outweighs me by 40 or more pounds, but his weight is comforting to me, not painful. I wouldn't say that I'm under-sensitive, either; I have incredibly thin skin, and I'm VERY sensitive to pain. In other words, I am a huge wuss, but sex isn't something that hurts me. Discomfort often happens, but actual pain? Rarely. My first time didn't even hurt, nor did I bleed/any of that nonsense they tell you ABSOLUTELY WILL HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT.

Maybe I'M the weird one, ha!

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

I had a good time my first penetration too. I-m so happy I was like, "Hey! It doesn't hurt!"

faile486's picture

Petitioner

It took over two weeks of incredibly painful (more than I enjoyed) 'trying' before I could have sex - and I like pain! We've had cervix issues a couple times, but other than that - and the first two weeks - it's rarely painful. Unless I want it to be XD

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

It doesn't hurt anymore?

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

I bled the first seven times I had sex and my hymen MADE A SOUND like ripping heavy duty plastic when it was torn through; it was very painful and I was very happy I wasn't entirely sober. I still often bleed if I have not had sex in a few days and the guy is more than average, but the blood is rarely accompanied by pain.

I wonder though if such a painful and bloody loss of my virginity shaped me to like pain and blood in sex as I now do.

MsGamgee's picture

Embodiment

I think you just traumatized me and I've already lost my virginity. o.o;;;

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

We actually have done SM stuff, so I'm not saying this is a problem for me. I just wondered how uncomfortable sex was for other people. Sometimes in sex stories, I feel like I'm out of touch with what sex is like for everyone else. Even MeiLin's. Sorry!!

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

I think if stories were always realistic and based on average sex, no one would read them. They seem to be based on the best sex that the author is familiar with. If comments like "ooh, you're a little deep there" or "d'you have to scratch so hard" (except when it's Temmin being Temmin or something) it wouldn't be as erotic or appealing to most readers. Comparing real sex to story sex probably isn't as bad as comparing it to movie-porn sex, but I think it's sort of in the same vein.

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

I need to remember that when reading. Thank you. But that doesn't answer my questions about real sex. Hooray for this forum!

Voyeur's picture

If it's hurting and unpleasant, you're doing it wrong. If you're a chick spend some time playing with yourself, including using a dildo, to find out what you like. Make sure you're wet either via self lube, from oral, or with lube from a tube before you let people stuff things in there. That applies to toys, fingers, and penises. If your boy is new to sex then you both need to learn and being shy hiding under sheets or cramped in your car's back seat is not ideal for learning. Spend a few bucks on a hotel, leave the lights on and explore together. Also, men won't always mention it because men are manly-tough... but you can also cause pain to a guy's penis if you are yanking too hard or making too much friction, or biting it with your teeth, or whatever. In other words: 1) spend some time getting to know what you like solo, 2) spend some time with partner getting to know what each other likes, 3) if it hurts it's not working right, 4) communicate what you like and don't like.

Also, this advise is all intended for people that are at least 16 or 18. If you're 14 or something, stick to masturbating.

Ladyinahat's picture

learn what you like and dont like by yourself first. You have some really good ideas there. The number one thing you really have to rember is not to be shy and tell them what you like and don't like. But you have to KNOW that about yourself first.

V's picture

Embodiment

Everyone here is 18+. If they aren't, MeiLin will be along shortly to chase them away with her broom of "OMG don't send me to jail!" which is entirely justified.

Saramander's picture

Petitioner

I wouldn't say that you're doing it wrong if it hurts or unpleasant. There have been plenty of times where we do everything just how we know works and for some reason or another, it doesn't feel good (whether it hurst or is uncomfortable or both). Bodies change daily, your cervix moves, blood flow may be amped up or slightly lacking, you may have eaten something weird, whatever. Its really hard to do it "wrong" but its actually quite easy to do it awkwardly, regardless of how intimately you know yourself and your partner. I'm not saying keep going if it hurts, but I am saying that hurting is pretty common and you need to adjust accordingly to get the right position/rhythm/depth/etc. and even than sometimes body chemistry can be against you and that is totally normal.

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

I really appreciate this perspective! I'd never thought about day to day differences in one's own body!

A's picture

Postulant

I'm more sensitive at different times of the month. Hormonal shifts, body changes, plus the fact that women are more varied sexually than men are. Things that feel good one week will *hurt* the next week. Hubby has to back off on the "sensitive" days and take a light touch. He always listens and gentles up when I need it.

There are some posistions that I can't do without pain for one reason or another: an infected episiotomy did a real number on me down under, one position goes "too deep", another one will make my hip start to spasm, so we work with what works. Luckily, there's a lot more positions that I can handle than one's I can't.

If it hurts all the time, every time--have you asked a GYN? And there are some people who are just *very* sensitive. One guy I know of is so sensitive, you can't even touch his nipples. You may just be Sensitive Sally and need a lover with a slow hand and easy touch.

Sometimes uterine pain can be a signal that there's something wrong, so, if you have access, ask an OB/GYN, naturopath, whatever. If you can talk to us about it, you can talk to a doctor!

Jacob's picture

1) spend some time getting to know what you like solo, 2) spend some time with partner getting to know what each other likes, 3) if it hurts it's not working right, 4) communicate what you like and don't like. This is a great way to approach it but I would have to say that it really is a personal thing, I got pierced so that there would be a bit more pain during sex I enjoy being scratched bit and if blood breaks thats fine by me, I've had partners who were into it along with me and ones who were discomforted no matter how gentle there are also just plain anatomical mismatches. If your partner is oddly shaped too large or too small it can be painful or unpleasurable. It sometimes takes a lot of time and practice to get comfortable. I would suggest trying different positions, Top has always seemed to work good for depth and speed control, I find its a good position to start in with women who are unused to pierced penises, Ohh and I only responded because of this, "if it's hurting and unpleasant, you're doing it wrong." Its a learning process, if you work at it it has the potential to be very good.
Jacob

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

Positioning ourselves is very important, but I was talking about this and other aspects as well. The way we fit (tilt of penis, angle of vagina, body size) unfortunately limits us on positions, but we enjoy those positions very much.

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

Lol, but no, I'm not talking about this as a problem. No, we are no longer inexperienced. I just happen to think that sex has a sort of risk quality. For me (maybe it's a girl thing) good sex is pretty good and bad sex could easily be very bad. there's just a lot of potential for pleasure and pain in both directions, really. I was wondering if anyone else feels this way, and it seems like some do! It doesn't hurt a lot and it usually doesn't hurt continuously, but sex as far as I understand it is, at times, as uncomfortable as it is pleasurable, sometimes simultaneously!

For guys, I have observed that attention after ejaculation is very uncomfortable. So my guess is, if a girl just kept riding a spent penis, it would usually hurt.

TheFerret's picture

Devotee

It's super easy for it to hit uncomfortable to OUCH for me. My wedding night was not something to be remembered in a spectacular way, that's for sure! Hurt? Mebbe not hurt, but it sure as heck was uncomfy as all get out.

Now, we rarely have the "ouch ouch stop!" moments, cause we both know what to do to avoid them (dryness is a HUGE issue on my part). BUT, when he's in his favorite position, which happens to be my LEAST fav position, yeah, it still hurts. And in a such way that I generally won't let him go for too long, let alone climax, and I just CANT. I'm not sure how to describe it - other than it feels like I'm being jabbed all the way up to my diaphragm and I don't like it. I guess he's hitting my cervix? (which, apparently, is tipped a bit. I'm still trying to figure out what that doctor meant. Ranks real high on my to-do list, can you tell?)

And on the guys and the overly-sensitive penis..... try sitting on your man sometime, right after you both finish (you have to be sitting straight up while he lays down) and belly laugh. Really use your lower abdominal muscles, not your chest or lungs. And watch his face. I can about pop the hubby's eyes out of his head (learned this by accident. Now he tells NO jokes or funny stories while we're still together).

SongCoyote's picture

Devotee

It can be quite a show when the Kegels come into play and squeeze that willie, can't it? Laughing, coughing, and even just concentrating on a nice, wet hug... though sometimes so hard that it pops right out!

Ahem. Yes. Sorry, just had to share as this sparked some fascinating memories....

Light and laughter,
SongCoyote

TheFerret's picture

Devotee

they just don't get near the response that laughing does. I do try not to hug or laugh too hard cause, yeah, I might not be ready to let go at that point...

Stormy's picture

Supplicant

Not just you (as you've discovered). Insufficient moisture is a big one. I've found that even if I'm fine during, sometimes I have pains after because of tears and such. Oops. As for cramps afterward and deep pain during, definitely can be cervical bumping. I had to go to the doc once because I couldn't stand up straight even hours after we'd finished. There are supposedly washer-like things that reduce the insertable length, but we managed with a few minor position/practice changes. There are ways to hold your legs and angles you can sit when on top that reduce the amount of penetration. Yeah you won't be spread out like a porn star, but maybe you won't be grimacing in pain either Smile

Voyeur's picture

One thing that can really cause chafing is a condom that's a little too large (because it wrinkles a bit). Sometimes trying different brands can help you find one that's a better fit.

Of course, I don't know if this is relevant to you, but it might be useful to someone.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

I don't think I am quite as sensitive as you - so yes, I think you may be on that end of the spectrum - but I do know what you mean. I'm like the first replier in that pain/roughness arouses me, but it has to be the RIGHT sort, and it has to be when I'm already into things enough to enjoy it.

I never like cervical pain - though I can tolerate it in some circumstances if it's not extreme - it never, ever arouses me. I also dislike rough clitoral stimulus - I don't find it pleasurable or appealing. At best it simply desensitises me, at worst it makes me want to run away. I slept with a guy whose manual technique resembled a hand sander, and it was just awful!

But choke me or cut me or bite me, and THAT I like. So I guess like you, I'm sensitive in the nether regions, but not so much elsewhere.

blwinteler's picture

Supplicant

I can be spanked or whipped until I can't sit comfortably for a long time and thoroughly enjoy it, but I can't handle anything on my cervix. It hurts more than it should when I get a pap smear and one doctor told my my cervix was very sensitive. What I was thinking getting an IUD I just don't know. That hurt like hell and I cramped badly for around a week. I got it in Feb, and over the last couple months I've been incredibly sensitive. Sex has brought on bleeding all but once over the last few months, and cramping every time. So, we are having less sex 'cause it worries me. I checked the strings on my IUD recently, like I'm supposed to, and could feel my cervix. I never could before (not that I tried, but it was never so obvious). I think this may have something to do with the pain I'm experiencing. I wonder if it has anything to do with the IUD. I know a lot of the women here have an IUD. Have you had this kind of pain during/after sex? I'll be setting an appt to see my doctor in Feb (can't take off in Jan. Too busy). Until then, sex is fairly limited. We've even tried different positions, and that helped for a bit, but then it stopped helping.
Before this, the only discomfort I had during sex was if the guy was too big AND too deep AND didn't really know what he was doing, or if it just went on too long without much variation to keep from causing dryness.
So, yeah, sex can hurt. Sometimes a lot. But it shouldn't always hurt.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

Oddly enough, I have an IUD too - but I don't think have as sensitive a cervix as you, for while I found my sounding and insertion very painful, I can handle pap smears (they're not pleasant, but they're not terrible either). What kind of IUD do yo have? I do think it's strange that your cervix seems to have become more sensitive RECENTLY, even though you've had the IUD nearly a year. I will say that my cramps weren't any worse initially, but now at 2.5 years in, I feel like they *may* be a bit worse than they were before, so I guess some 'side effects' can take time to develop.

I haven't ever had any pain-related issues due to sex and my IUD, however. Not even with very vigourous sex, or in bad positions that hit my cervix (though obviously I try to generally avoid those), or right after insertion, or anything. So no, your situation doesn't sound normal to me.

Your cervix being lower isn't necessarily abnormal - mine varies in position a fair bit during my cycle and sometimes it is very low like you described, and I know other women are the same; I wasn't aware of it until I had my IUD because I rarely felt for my cervix before then. Of course if your cervix is low it is easier to hit during sex, but if it's ALWAYS low, like every single day of every month, that does sound a bit off. I hate to worry you, but could you be pregnant?

blwinteler's picture

Supplicant

You are soooo not the first to ask me if I'm pregnant. Everyone else was kidding, in response to me being overly tired or some other random symptom. I'm telling myself that as much as I've been bleeding, and as little as I've been having sex, I can't be. But I am kinda beginning to wonder.
And yes, it seems strange to me too about getting these problems so late. However, I was away from my husband for most of the summer, and mad at him a lot of the rest of the time shortly after getting the IUD (long story, not worth a rant now), so it is possible I just didn't do enough to notice the problems. I did have weird bleeding off and on since the day I got it, but I also have had it in the past so it didn't worry me any more than usual. Then it started happening more and more, and different from times past.
Perhaps some sort of irritation on my cervix, other than the IUD, has been causing the problem. I'll call my gyn tmw to set up an appt for early Feb. and find out just what is going on. I sure hope I'm not pregnant.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

*hugs* I hope it works out. And you didn't say what type of IUD you have, but maybe the opposite type would worth looking into.

blwinteler's picture

Supplicant

Mirena. The hormones are for keeping my period somewhat close to normal. Non hormonal won't really do me any good other than for birth control. I will get my appt soon (forgot to call yesterday after having a long week) and keep you updated.

girlthing's picture

Petitioner

sex with my ex was always painful, usually I felt like I had gotten punched up inside after the act. I remember reading somewhere that some women have a shallower vagina than others, and that's always what I have assumed it to be for me. (someone set me straight if this is dead wrong, please, lol.) I think if I had really been into it I would have had less trouble, also. Lube and stretching are less of a problem when you're really really ready for the actual intercourse to start. Blum 3 I've had a lot less problems in both those areas (shallowness and lube) with my current boyfriend, which has helped me to identify what was wrong before.
anyway, if you think you might have the same problem with a "shallow" vagina, some of the suggestions a few posts up about finding positions that limit penetration would be great for that. getting on top and giving yourself more control, as well as having some nights to yourself to try different things, sound like good ways of starting to figure this out.

GreenGlass's picture

Supplicant

Yeah, if anyone is having problems with genital size mismatches, it really does come down to controlling the positions so that thrusting isn't horrible. We only had minor problems with that, but not in most positions.

All these ladies are right, cervix pain is a bitch. I was thinking more global and minor, but this is all great advice for anyone who has pain problems.

I think the answer to my question is that it depends on the person, and to some extent, the gender. I should have expected that. Smile

Nye's picture

Supplicant

Everyone's mileage may vary... perhaps you've just more sensitive, and that's something that may well come and go.

The only things that really bother me are too much are slamming into my cervix (if I'm not appropriately hot and bothered by then)... and too much friction (use more lube or adjust angle a bit... or just rest a little while if it's been like sex central for a day). But almost anything is okay if I'm sufficiently turned on. I'll ache later, but I won't really mind, either.

I like rough, hard, and passionate. Soft and gentle doesn't usually do it for me. I also know I have a high pain tolerance (not as much as I once did) and don't notice a lot of things that are capable of bruising me. I bruise easily as well. Poking or pinching me are annoying, but spanking, flogging, biting, gripping, etc. will turn me on.

Avery K. TIngle's picture

After going through all of these (and learning a whooooole lot) I have to say that something along the lines of what Northwoodsman brought up is what hurts (other than when my partner, for some strange reason, thinks it's erotic to BITE DOWN HARD when performing fellatio).

Getting used--your partner only caring about themselves when it comes to sex--to me, this hurts worse than anything physical. But that's just me.

trisha_2k8's picture

So I'm debating getting an IUD but I have a silly question I spose....but my bf goes down on me a lot...and I guess what I'm wondering is that if I get an IUD will this have to stop or will he like feel the strings from the IUD? because that would just be awkward...??? If someone could reply back that'd be great

Goforbroke's picture

Devotee

i know nothing on IUD's but i am pretty sure someone will get back to you, these people are filled with vast knowledge :nerd:

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

Unless your bf has a very long tongue...like, abnormally serpentine, which he likes to insert as far as possible into your vagina - he won't detect the strings with his tongue. Fingering you he'd likely feel them, but I've never had that put a man off.

If the strings aren't cut too short, they generally soften and curl up behind the cervix, and require a bit of effort to feel even manually.

Cheez-it's picture

Sex has usually been more or less painful for me (though it's better now since I've given birth...everyone says it's worse afterward but not for me), and I've gotten a lot of "if it hurts you're not doing it right," which, while it may have some truth, isn't all that helpful. It does reassure you that what you're experiencing isn't normal and that allows you to seek a solution, but when you try a couple things and it still hurts, you start to feel like maybe there's something wrong with you or your partner. Or that could just be me.

If I only had sex when it was perfectly comfortable, I wouldn't have sex at all.

Cheez-It 569 's picture

I hope you don't have this, and that you are indeed, "doing something wrong," as dyspareunia is a bitch. In my case I specifically have Vulvar vestibulitis (vaginal opening hurts) AND deeper pain (which I have not been given a name for, to google). Sometimes its not that you're doing it wrong, but that something in your body isn't cooperating/working properly. Have you talked to your doctor about this, and seen a gyn? Could be important.

I'm currently in physio and it has helped me a LOT. For far too long I was basically unable to have sex because of the pain. (and yes. crotch physio. its weeeeiiiird)

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