Painful Self-Awareness: A Sad and Serious Sexual Issue
Seeing the most recent post about threesomes was difficult for me, because despite my efforts, I am extremely sensitive to anything having to do with threesomes in real life. I know I am not being asked to participate, but as an idealistic personality, after being introduced to the fact that many people fantasize about threesomes and that almost all men find them appealing, I felt extremely crushed because, from what I can figure out, I am inherently monogamous.
When my husband and I were still dating he briefly brought up his own threesome fantasy and I handled it very poorly. I won't try to recount every detail right away, but several things he said occasionally return to me. One of them was that he expressed disappointment in my aversion to his fantasy (extreme rejection of the idea that I, hypothetically, could ever do something like that) because he thought I was such a loving person. Imagining the idea actually put me in touch with the murderous side of my humanity, I am sorry to say. I could see what he was saying about how he expected me to react, but it turns out I am not a loving person when it comes to sharing sex with more than one person. He couldn't handle how much the conversation devastated me, and I have struggled off and on with this topic ever since.
Now that we are married he is very good about reassuring me, complimenting me, and offering me evidence of his loyalty and love. He maintains that he never wants to speak of threesomes again and we have had various conversations about cheating and other issues, none of which cause me any further grief or reason to worry. It is not, of course, a perfect relationship, but I would still say we are very happy currently.
So it is completely on my own that I persist in trying to understand this topic and my own aversion to it. I was proud of myself for reading about fictious encounters (such as those in ToMU) without any qualms and coming to terms with the fact that other people may participate in this kind of sexual behavior without any ill effects. I had no negative reactions to the party scene with Temmin, Allis, and Issak out in the garden. I was not alarmed at Neya, Nerr, and Temmin in the Temple. Then I read a post from another reader, and all of a sudden encountering the idea of a threesome is once again disturbing and physically painful to me (I get rare chest pains and tightening from strong emotion). There is no reason for the mere idea to be threatening to me, and I have come to the conclusion that having a threesome is NOT wrong, it can only be wrong for individuals (like me). I have only talked about it with a few people abstractly. The one couple I sought perspective from was very interesting. The husband offered the view that it was a largely cultural phenomenon, while the wife was even more hostile to the idea than I was. i felt better about myself, but no more understanding of my reactions, since by that point I was well on my journey of attempted desensitization. I must admit I am much less reactive than when i began this journey, but I find myself often perplexed and tormented when nonsensical nightmares somehow revolving around this topic effect my moods and composure, much less my trust in my mate and all men.
I long to have a balanced, realistic, and calm perspective of most things, but especially this. Why am I so unbalanced, irrational, and depressing when it comes to this of all things!? I do NOT want a harmless idea or reference to disrupt my life!