threesome thoughts

Now that I'm spending so much time here, I thought I'd pose a situation of my own.
DH and I have talked about fantasies and one of the few things we haven't actually done that interests us is a threesome with another woman. Before we were married, we did toy with another girl a little. Circumstances kept me from getting too involved (period Sad ). He used a vibrator to give her her first orgasm (her only lover was apparently not too great) while I took care of him. He admitted to fantasizing about taking that all further. However, it was almost 10 years ago.
The threesome subject comes up in pillow talk and such. But when I seriously ask him what he thinks, he is wishy-washy, I guess. He says he's afraid he'd feel like he was cheating on me. But I know it is something that really turns him on (I got him to bring it up last time I was going down on him).
So, there are a few things I want to know.
First, how can I encourage him to be more comfortable with the idea so he knows it wouldn't be cheating?
Second, how would we find a third? He has a very good female friend, and she's cute, but I don't think she'd go for it, and I think that he'd find it weird since she is his best friend (almost like one of the guys). Is a friend a good choice, or would an acquaintance or even a stranger (getting to know them a bit first, of course) be better?
Third, well, once we find a woman who interests us both, how do we convince her?

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kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

Quote:
First, how can I encourage him to be more comfortable with the idea so he knows it wouldn't be cheating?

I think you're on the right track with this one. The more you talk about it while you're doing things with just the two of you, the more comfortable he may be. You can also just talk to him and let him know you're totally comfortable with it. It's possible that he just needs to get used to the idea. Make sure he knows you love him and trust him and that you know he feels the same way about you.
Quote:
Second, how would we find a third? He has a very good female friend, and she's cute, but I don't think she'd go for it, and I think that he'd find it weird since she is his best friend (almost like one of the guys). Is a friend a good choice, or would an acquaintance or even a stranger (getting to know them a bit first, of course) be better?

I think that particular good female friend might be a poor choice, just because that's hitting a little too close to home. I wouldn't bring one of my close friends into something like that, because it would be awkward for both of us. When we started experimenting with thirds, we found acquaintances. Strangers make me a little uncomfortable, because I feel like if I don't know a person, I have no idea whether I can trust them, how comfortable I'll be with them, or what their sexual history might look like. Acquaintances or more distant friends are great because if things don't work out, it's not awkward for anyone involved. You have some idea what they're like and how you feel about them, but maybe you don't see them on a day-to-day basis. Talk to your guy and see if he knows anyone that he might be comfortable with. Don't rule out other couples either. We got started by just having sex next to another couple. Their presence made it hot, and us girls made out some while we were going at it, but it was an easy thing, because my guy and I were comfortable and so were they. After that, we were able to progress to other things involving that girl (and her guy just liked to watch).
Quote:
Third, well, once we find a woman who interests us both, how do we convince her?

It's less about convincing than it is finding someone who is interested in you. Joking around about it is a good way to start the conversation, but it's honestly just about asking her about her interests or past sexual experiences ("have you ever kissed a girl?"). A lot of women are interested in other women, it's often best to find a single girl (or attached if you don't mind couples) that you both find attractive and just see what she thinks.
Voyeur's picture

Go to the personals section of Craig's list. Say that you'd like to meet whoever it is for coffee first, to make sure that you don't get a psycho or someone who's not right for you.

Blue Coyote's picture

Devotee

Comunication is key! Even moreso than in a normal relationship. Just think of the kind of arguments two people can get into, now add a third... it gets hairy fast. You both need to be utterly honest and open with each other about what you want/expect to get out of your threesome. Do you just want a fling, a notch on your proverbial belt, to better(or worsen) your Puity Test score? Or do you want a relantionship, do you want a friends-with-benefits or do you want to try and make a real relationship out of it? It can be done, I am in a triple(like a couple only moreso- as we call it) and we have been going strong for seven years now. that's right, SEVEN YEARS. I know lots of couples who haven't been together that long. How you might ask... comunication, comunication, and some more comunication. You really, really, really have to talk things out before you try anything at all or it can really blow up in your face. With us, it was a friend we had known for many years(we started out a couple then added our third) who we had always loved dearly and got along with but hated their evil manipulative partner. When said partner cheated on and dumped our dear friend we snapped him up so fast he left his shoes behind.
I would cautiously suggest that friends are better to approach than strangers, but again with the communication. You have to be able and willing to talk about everything and they do too. If you would feel too awkward to talk to someone about it than it's going to be hundreds of times more awkward to have sex with them, and a thousand times more painful to try and retroactively talk about what worked or didn't.
And feel free to ask me anything(except for videos Wink ) about threeing it if you really want qausi-expert advice (or check out Savage Love- Dan Savage's sex-advice column)

Voyeur's picture

Heh, I've been wondering the same thing myself. I'm in a long-term relationship as well (although not ten years long, not for a while yet) with my boy, but -- to be somewhat crude -- I have always preferred the girlflesh, so I've been trying to find some situation that puts me in bed with another girl, even if it has to be a threesome with her boyfriend. (It's not what I'd prefer, but it's an option.)

So as someone who's open to the idea of being a third .... I'd want to be approached by someone I had known for a while, not a stranger, and with whom there'd been some sexual tension before. That's all. It's really not that big a deal. If there isn't any sexual tension going around in your circle of friends, then bust out those flirting skills and see if anyone returns the interest! I definitely wouldn't think of approaching a long-married happy couple, so you'll have to do the approaching. Just try to think of someone you know who's bi, and open-minded, and likes you, and can keep things casual .... but keep in mind that the sort of person who fulfills *those* criteria may not be the kind of person you want to hop in bed with. (This is my problem. Girls I've met are either turned away by my being in a relationship, or they're creepy as fuck.)

(If I was aproached by someone I'd known forever and was really close with, like the girl you mentioned in your post, then it's iffy; personally I'm not opposed to sex with close friends, but I'd say most people are, and it has potential to go seriously downhill.)

I would definitely suggest approaching couples, or people who are already in a relationship, before approaching someone who's single. Someone who's single (unattached, possibly lonely) is in a very different emotional place than someone who's already attached; being in similar emotional places with the "third" will help things go more smoothly.

As for convincing him that it wouldn't be cheating: Emphasize that it's something you're doing *together*. Actually, this may or may not be true to his fantasies -- he may be fantasizing about having two lovely ladies paying attention to him, instead of teaming up on a lovely lady with his wife, which is what my boyfriend prefers -- but in any case, emphasize that you're there the whole time and that you're doing it together.

And as for "convincing" this hypothetical girl that interests you both: don't convince her. Don't pressure her. Flirt a bit, flirt a lot, cuddle with her at a party or something, move in on her like you'd move in on someone when you were single, and if she's being oblivious then maybe bring it up casually in a private conversation, but always be VERY unthreatening and VERY casual about it. Remember, there are two of you and only one of her.

Sorry for the wall of text, but i hope it's helpful Smile I recently (to be crude again) scored a threesome with my boyfriend and a girl I've had the hots for forever, so I feel like a threesome expert all of a sudden. (I can definitely sympathize with your liking threesomes and wanting to find someone!) If you have any questions I'm glad to answer them.

Velvetackbar's picture

Most High

So are personals.

You know, "Don't die wondering" was the motto of a friend of ours.

If you want to experience a 3way: go for it. If you want to hump under the moonlight, just once, start consulting the calendar for the next full moon. If you want to do it while dressed up as Helmut Kohl when he goes deep-sea diving, get out those flippers and the dapper suit.

Its not terribly wise to include your close friends for that experimentation: what if something goes wrong? Then you are out a friend. Or, rather, your husband is. Not good.

There is nothing wrong with meeting something through the personals, getting together for a cuppa, meeting that person and deciding yes or no after that meeting.

Now, to answer your questions:

>First, how can I encourage him to be more comfortable with the idea so he knows it wouldn't be cheating?

The ONLY way to handle this is to just be honest and frank, "Honey, *I* want to do this."

For the second question, I would go with Personals for 400, Alex. Place an ad, be honest, and offer to buy a cup of coffee. Oh, and DON'T lie, especially about how you look. It so happens that there are folks that like every kind of person out there. Just be honest, and have a good time.

>Third, well, once we find a woman who interests us both, how do we convince her?

Convince? What are you doing, selling Amway? There isnt' any convincing needed. At most you should invite once, and accept the answer.

Enjoy!

blwinteler's picture

Supplicant

Yeah, "convince" was the wrong word. Perhaps "seduce" is better? I've always been flirtatious, but never with much intent when it comes to women.
I really need to get back on the local Rocky Horror cast. I knew a few girls when I was there who would be very likely. Good kissers too!
Anyway, all the advice is very helpful and encouraging. Thank you so much.
I have never been to craigslist. It is amazing the things that can be found there! I will certainly have to check that out. I can only imagine what I'll find in Vegas (here I am in Sin City and having this issue. How does that work?)

Thanks again!

Brandy

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