How's a lady to get some?

So, I'm in an odd position for most of the normal world.

I'm married, for almost 2 years now, to a man I've been with for over 6 years. He is..... not interested in sex. This is mostly a combination of medical and psychological things that aren't going to be remedied anytime soon, though we both hope they may be eventually. It was 4 months before we consummated our marriage. It's now been well over a year since we've been intimate with each other. Aside from a brief flurry of sexual activity when we first got together, sex has been sporadic at best between us.

I... have a demanding sex drive. I'm able to put it on hold for periods of time, but eventually needs will catch up to me. We managed through some trial and a lot of error to come to an arrangement that mostly works for us. I'm polyamorous by nature anyway... and considering the situation, he deals. So I occasionally take other lovers, more often regularly for a period of time, but sometimes just once. They are usually friends of mine, usually people I've known a long time. I don't tend to stay too long with any one partner as they have been known to get clingy and/or dependent. It's a part of being a rare female among a lot of geeks who may not have a lot of relationship experience, sexual or otherwise. They have thus far managed moving back to being friends after beng freinds with benefits for a time. Honestly, it mostly works. Or it did.

Problem. I've had a difficult time finding interested, suitable lovers for the past couple years. I think on some level that my being married just makes it that much harder for a guy to be willing to be with me. I have been turned down specifically because I'm married, though only once. I'm an honest person, and I'm not going to lie about that just to get laid. On the flip side, my husband gets propositioned a lot more now that he's married. How's that for ironic? He turns them down, not because I want him to, but because he's just not interested.

At this point I've had sex once in the last year. I fully admit that was a booty call on a previous lover because I couldn't handle not being touched in over a year. I'm frustrated. I'm horny. And I know I make too many snarky remarks to my husband because I'm sexually frustrated.

So... any advice?

Slagar's picture


I have to admit that I find your situation to be very intersting, unusual, and engaging. I'm going to assume that you're not interested in taking lovers you're not already comfortable with, since I'm sure you could have figured that one out on your own. So, my suggestion is to seek out new social circles, that are accepting of this sort of thing. I'm part of an organization that's centerd around very unusual pursuits that are unrelated to this problem, but I know that were my woman in this situation, she would have no shortage of people she's comfortable with who were willing to oblige. It's not an easy solution, by any means, but it has the upshot of maybe making some new friends, which is a goal of mine, and solving your problem for quite a while, if not necessarily permanently. Take up knitting, or start hitting conventions for whatever piques your interest. Make friends, and make offers. You can't hear worse than "no", after all. Hope I've been some help, and I wish you the best of luck.

Nye's picture


Odd thing is I'm in a number of social circles more than accepting of such. I'm a gamer and more than experienced in BDSM though I haven't practiced in some years. I'd say at least half of my friends are in non-monogamous relationships, and a good chunk of the remaining are single. I have friends that are filkers, furry, fandom-aholics, SCA members, faire staff, con-goers, etc. I don't attend many of the events myself... at least I haven't in some time. I agree, that would probably solve the problem depending on how flexible I'm willing to be.

A lot of the geeks, kinks, and fandoms, though.... don't necessarily foster stable individuals. I'm wary of becoming involved with less-than-stable people. I've unknowingly broken people in the past, and I don't want to do that again. I don't need a puppy or a pet, and I don't want a Master. I would like to be with someone sexually healthy and careful, too. I realize my limits make it a little harder, but I don't think it's asking for too much.

I think more of the problem is that I'm not looking for a one-night stand, nor do I want someone to sweep me off my feet and take me away from my husband. I'd like to have at least a friendship relationship with a lover. I could enjoy a boyfriend, too. I don't require a lover to be monogamous to me. How hypocritical would that be?

I live in the greater San Francisco are, so it's not like I'm in the Bible belt.

It's just been a couple years, and I'm really getting frustrated. I will note, though, that I do need to go out more, and not just with the same group of people.

Slagar's picture


My post could really have been shortened to "Go to Pennsic, and find somebody cool". Foam-fighters and SCA are great people, and would certainly seem a good place to find people willing to oblige. As far as stability, that's a mixed bag almost anywhere, and it makes it difficult, especially with the restraint you're showing about "breaking people" (which is admirable, by the way). Simply put, find a big enough geekdom, and there'll be some guys with the maturity to handle this. Also, any time you stay with a guy for a longer than a little while, you run the risk of them becoming attached, and I'm sure that won't change, even at Alt. It's hard, but I believe it's true. In any case, I hope things work out well.

kawaiikune's picture


Just out of curiosity, have you ever experimented with other women? I don't know if you find women attractive or are interested at all, but it might be a new and interesting way for you to enjoy yourself. I know a lot of women who are involved with or married to men, but are just looking to fulfill a different kind of fantasy or try something a little different. I don't know any women that would turn you down because you're married, and some of them might even be in a similar situation. They're also not usually looking for relationships, because they often have men of their own, and it sounds like you live in a great area to meet women. It might also spice things up with your husband, if you can spark his interest in such things, although that might take more working up to than just arranging a date with someone. Swinging could be another option, as well, if you can find an interested couple.

You could also try getting involved with something that younger men do, in order to meet some. Older men are more interested in commitment and relationship building, I've found, but men who are a little bit younger than you might be more inclined to look for a friend with benefits. If you're 30, men in their mid-20's might be more likely to help you out.

The other question I have for you is maybe a little bit obvious, so I apologize if you've already tried this unsuccessfully. Have you or your husband spoken with doctors about increasing (or discovering) his libido? There might be a number of solutions (depending on the specifics of his medical thing) and the right doctor, particularly a specialist, could potentially help you get things going again with your husband.

Also, even if he's not particularly interested (and as a result, not physically capable of intercourse) have you tried seeing if you can interest him in other things? Maybe he'd be willing to use his hands, his mouth, or a toy (or some combination of the three) if he knew how much it meant to you. Depending on his limitations, I suppose it may not be possible, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Even if I don't get anything back, or I'm not particularly in the mood, it's still interesting and fulfilling to spend time with my man in that way, and it makes me feel closer. Maybe you could convince him to give it a try?

Good luck! I really hope things work out for you.

Nye's picture


I'm mildly bi. Women are fun to play with, but I wouldn't want a relationship with one. Women tend to be more soft and gentle, and what I tend to crave is a lot more hard, rough, and demanding. I don't mind coming out of the bedroom having given or received a good share of bruises, bites, scratches, etc. I don't need it, but I like it. There was a time that was a requirement. While my husband wouldn't mind watching, at least for a little while, I doubt he'd be interested in participating. He's an exhibitionist, not a voyeur.

He hates doctors. I've forced him to go more than a few times, dragged him into the emergency room when necessary, but there are things much more dire that need to be addressed before his libido. He needs surgery, major long-term physical therapy, and probably a fair amount of other things. Unfortunately any medication he's likely to get for the other issues is more than likely to make his libido worse rather than better.

He occasionally likes receiving oral sex, if I can find him in the right mood every few months. He's never liked giving, and I can't convince him otherwise. He doesn't particularly like being touched in an intimate way, and he's less than interested in touching me. That's not to say we don't cuddle plenty. We are affectionate, just not intimate. Kisses are short and sweet, if frequent, and I can't interest him in more than that.

Nye's picture


I am 30, and the lovers I've found are either a few years younger or at least 10 years older. I think the last time I had sex with a person in their 30's, I was around 21. That was well before all this.

I have friend who swings, but that's not really my cup of tea. While I've shared partners with her before, her current boyfriend is *cough* not remotely my type

Redsherinik's picture

when I reaallly want to cry 'you poor babies' or something equally non-helpful. I wonder if the medical issues alluded to would prevent hubby from helping with some form of massage? Even a good foot massage can be sensual/sexy enough, especially if you help yourself with that little extra something. Come to think of it, how about a whole body slide together session all oiled up and rubbing against his leg? Yeah, how about it - anybody? Wait, we're looking to help you, not me. So - make it sensual and non-demanding for him, but you can still take care of you.

But that won't keep you comfortable - it'll only take the edge off. So my next suggestion is - have you tried any tantric practices on yourself? They don't have to be done as part of a couple, it works just fine doing it to yourself! Although because it is largely non-penetrative, that might be something hubby can get into at least part-way as well. That kind of energy work might also be very beneficial to his overall situation, and to your 'coupleness' as well.

Nye's picture


The medical issues make life painful for him, and most anything sexual even more painful than that. It's hard to be aroused when you're in pain all the time. I know, I was disabled for a time, myself. His pain is related to joints bones, nervous system, and circulatory system. he also has major teeth problems that make kissing more than lightly painful. When he's taking pain medication because it's gotten bad enough that he'll go to a doctor, it's injectable morphine, just to give you an idea of the pain level involved. His being on his knees or supporting any of his weight over me hurts him. My being on him hurts him. And it's the kind of pain that will cripple him for a day or more. I'm just not willing to do that to him for my sake.

Psychologically, he's gotten to the point now that he associates anything intimate with pain. His brain just won't go there and won't allow his body to, either. I don't entirely understand what blocks him from giving. He doesn't, either, and it frustrates him as much as me. He just has no interest and gets no enjoyment. His parts function. He can get aroused. He can enjoy oral sex to a point. Ejaculation hurts him. Because attempts generally lead to more frustration and resentment than they're worth, I try don't push it anymore.

If you haven't been there before you may not understand just how unsexy it can make a woman feel to have someone touch you because they feel like they have to. It's like lying next to a robot and just as unsatisfying. It's worse than not being touched at all.

So, overall, no... there really isn't any hope of intimacy with him until something in his body or his brain recovers.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Sir and I can relate, except it was (and sometimes still is) me, not him. But my problems were temporary and/or transitory, coming and going.

Have you tried

Nye's picture


No, I haven't.... will go look. Thank you!

Nye's picture


Tantra might be a possibility. I will look into that.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

I *highly* recommend younger men. (Sir is younger than me.)

Nye's picture


My husband is a couple years younger than me as well. When I was young, all my lovers were significantly older. Now that I'm a little older, they've mostly been younger. It's interesting. I understand it, though. Their eagerness is so cute.

The Vixen's picture

I concure!

Velvetackbar's picture

Most High

Initially, I had some very stern recommendations, but that wasn't your question, and you didn't ask for judgements to be made on you.

I am glad I reread your original letter.

I very very much know where you are coming from:

meilin was very very sick for almost 5 years. Like your husband she wasn't able to perform sexually. Also like you, I was free to roam, and took several lovers and had hundreds of encounters. With men, actually, since they tend to be a little more in the mood for the one-night stands I was craving.

However, there appear to be some differences in our situations:

During all the time she was ill (and she was very very ill,) she only occasionally turned down the opportunity to help me out, so to speak. She was GGG, even to the point of helping me top of one of my lovers at a party. She couldn't be beaten with anything other than a wet noodle, but she helped me cane my lovely and amazingly masochistic submissive to a blue-striped pulp Wink And she did it with an eager and loving smile.

You have needs. Those needs are needs that must be met in order for you to remain a sane and productive partner to your husband as well as a sane and productive member of society.

If your husband cannot assist, and you are happy seeking elsewhere, then please, seek elsewhere. I would suggest craiglist, AFF/Alt, or perhaps just your local swingers magazine.

In the Northwest, you could consider attending "Center for Sex and Culture" events (The WetSpot,) The Darklady Parties, various SM/Swinger groups. I am not sure what is available in San Francisco*. Be explicit. "Booty call...hubby relationship wanted....must get turned on by safer sex."

I would look for the younger men. Get 'em young, dumb, and full of cum. Just make sure your check their ID and send 'em on their way until they hit that magical age of 18.

Be Blunt: "Thank you very very much. Same time next week? I'll bring the beers and condoms if you will pay for the motel room." Don't give him a chance to declare his undying affection for you.

Men *can* treat their partners as a piece of fuck-meat, and some sometimes that is to be desired over big long, hairy relationships. Thank heaven for those male sluts, out to irrigate the universe with their seed. Just make sure YOU take responsibility for your health, and you drive the relationship into the correct, satisfying avenue for YOU.

I have had excellent results with Alt as well as Craigslist -- although the last top I met wasn't very good, but she was also not a top---just a transexual bottom pushed into the role of top to fill a billet slot. I would strongly recommend being forward in you wording and meet folks for a cuppa joe Smile

Good Luck!

*San Francisco is one of those places I am not allowed to visit--It is feared that I would find a cute leatherboy and never return.

Nye's picture


I went to college in Tacoma, WA, so I actually remember some of those places fondly. And yes, there are many cute leatherboys down here. Sometimes I wish I were still in the right headspace to Domme. I'm not, though, and I know better. Damn me for being responsible.

I listed on when MeiLin suggested it. I hadn't known of it. I've been out of the community some years now. It can't be worse than the other dating sites I've tried, and a kink-friendly site will probably prove more useful for what I'm looking for.

Thank you for the advice. It seems I need to decide whether I want to wait to find a regular lover / boyfriend or if I just want sex when I want it. I didn't have to choose before. My marriage seems to have done interesting things to the potential sexual partner pool. "Wanna go out?" doesn't work anymore, so maybe I do need to shift over to "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"

If I might ask, why was your initial reaction stern?

Velvetackbar's picture

Most High

was flat out wrong.

And my choice of terms "stern," specifically overly sensational.

I apologize for misreading your initial post.

Nye's picture


No apology needed. I asked the question, after all.

Lurker's picture

Wow, it kind of helps to know that these kinds of issues still happen to Grown Ups (tm) with their Increased Social Awareness and Experience and everything.

I'm in a long-distance relationship, for close to a year now, with a wonderful prettyboy who I love very much, even though I've always kind of known I was more interested in girls. (Lesbians are allowed to have boyfriends, right?) What's unfolded slowly and frustratingly whenever we've seen each other this year is that he doesn't have any experience with inexperienced girls, his self-esteem issues are eroding his sexual attention span and creativity, my self-esteem issues and stresses are ramping my desire for things upwards, and it's starting to really bother me that I can't get so much as an affectionate hug here to save my life. Oh, and I'm 17 and figuring out everything I'm doing for the first time. (And yes, we've worked out a brand of open relationship, and he's found a cute local girl he can fuck and I haven't. Life is so very unfair. And I think I would spaz the fuck out if I started advertising for a booty call.)

So I know it sounds really crass, but I sympathize with your needing here, and you're handling it a hell of a lot better than I can imagine doing. Or at least, you sound like you are.

NoodletwigMeow's picture


And I thought I was the youngest one around here.
Maaan I remember what it was like to be 17. All five hundred and sixty three days ago. **EDIT: I totally meant 365. There are 365 days in a year. O.o This is what comes of writing posts at 1am when one has been up until 4am the past two nights** Blum 3
Good luck with that situation, it sounds utterly deathly. *sympathy*

MeiLin's picture

Most High

You're not supposed to be here, you 17-year-old, you! *shaking finger* Go away! (I have to say this--and please don't get an account. If you insist on reading under age, please lurk.)

Now that that's out of the way, I wouldn't be 17 again for the woooooorld! Even though I'm writing another serial (mostly in my head) about just that! Listen, kid, first thing you need to know is that grown-ups are just 17-year-olds in broken-down bodies. Biggrin We don't get a special manual or pixie dust when we turn 21 (I almost literally believed this when I was 17--I was desperate for it to be true).

Personally I *should* have advertised for a booty call when I was 17, but there was no way to do it then. I was *so* frustrated--not even kissed--and I couldn't get arrested. If any of the guys at my high school had really known just how ready I was, I would have been the most popular girl in school--and this was back in the day when you absolutely were NOT supposed to "do it" with your boyfriend. The one of us who had slept with her boyfriend, it was a big deep dark secret, they were together for a year before she gave in, and I was like one of maybe four people who knew, two of them being my friend and her boyfriend. yeah, be glad you're a millennial, kiddo.

Also? Lesbians can do whatever the hell they want. The big deep dark dirty secret of the lesbigay world is that they have sex with the opposite gender. Not all of them, and not all the time, but it happens far, far more than any hardliner would like to admit. Sexual preference is fluid. We are hardwired for predispositions, but there is movement along the Kinsey scale for almost everyone. And if someone tries to revoke your lesbian license, or confiscate your copy of the Gay Agenda, or repossess your (metaphorical or actual) combat boots and flannel shirts, tell 'em to fuck off. Wink

NoodletwigMeow's picture


Nooo you've gone and ruined my illusion of adulthood!! I was all waitin' for that pixie dust when i turned 18, and it didn't come and I thought, maybe it'll be at 21. You know, like the tooth fairy. Except she takes away most of the idiocy and gives you wisdom and charisma instead.


MeiLin's picture
Melindrhawhocan'trememberherpw's picture

My husband and I are in a very similar boat, except it's me with the back and hip problems that send me into post-coitus (note that it's not post-release) Percocet land... when I normally shun even asprin.

I've had to deal with my lack of desire, the shock of our friends who know, the frustration of wanting to want again, and the guilt that if the wind changes direction, Himself's ready to go but I'm still not. It's emotionally draining, which doesn't help our situation any.

We've tried finding a girlfriend for him. Didn't go so well, but that's my insecurities speaking. We've tried things to spark my libido. Not so much success there. I'm willing to give him attention whenever he wants it, but I feel bad that what I can do isn't what he really wants.

I can't give you any options you haven't already come up with. Mostly wanted you to know you're not alone in your situation, and to give you another perspective.

Nye's picture


Good luck with your journey as well.

It's not as cut and dried as many would make it. He wants to want me/sex/intimacy. Sometimes he even does, but those moments are so brief, and half the time when we're out with friends hours from home. They wouldn't last long enough to get to the car, let alone a place with a bed. Then we'd still have the aftermath of his agony.

It's hard, but we hope it won't be forever.

Matt's picture

I never knew something like that could happen.

I don't mean to sound rude but it's a shocker. I stumbled across this site awhile ago and been reading. Now seeing this well I can just say this, you are ceritanly taking things well. I'm a 19 going on 20 year old man who hasn't had any sex yet at all, mostly because of my social life. It's very frustrating right now for me, I see a lot of beautiful women everyday, but after reading your predicamant I must say you have what it takes.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

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