Dear sir(or anyone else)...

So, since masturbation seems to be the topic of choice as of late, I have my own little question to ask. Like several other ladies here, I discovered masturbation very early on. I love sex (I know, I know, that REALLY sets me apart from the other readers Wink ).

However, I've never been able to get myself off. Ever. I have small-ish orgasms during sex. The issue is, as far as I can guess, that when I let the pressure build enough to become a blow out orgasm, I lose complete control over myself. If I'm working myself, I can't continue. If I'm with my husband (or any other past partner), I start to squirm, violently almost, and end up pushing him away, or myself away, as the case may be. As a result, I've settled for much smaller orgasms (though, typically, that amounts to multiple little ones, which I'm not terribly complaining about) with my husband, and I've basically given up on masturbation, except to get myself nice and ready for hubby. I know I'm missing out on something huge here, and I'd like to get past this block of mine. Any ideas?

MeiLin's picture

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He is at a loss and has left this one to me; "I don't have the right parts for this one, not even to speculate." He did, however, approve of the first thought that came to my mind:

Have you ever thought of having your husband tie you down?

I'm so totally serious. Not because you might like being restrained, though for all I know, you might. No. If you have a propensity to start thrashing to the point where you push him away, then make it so you can't push him away. If you try this, don't let him try to bring you quickly. Take it slowly and gently. Do a little research on safe restraint before you try it.

faile486's picture


Personally, I 100% agree with MeiLin. It is almost impossible for me to orgasm from oral sex because it starts to feel very intense, I start to squirm...but if I'm restrained, there's no where I can go. I just have to lay there and take it.

I would make another suggestion though, beside just reading about safety. Use soft restraints at first, I would try to stay away from metal and go more toward rope, nylon, or something like that. If you do happen to get free, or start thrashing too much, it'd be harder to injure your partner with something soft than with, say, a metal spreader bar Blum 3

Velvetackbar's picture

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Metal looks GREAT!

My "Uniform" for events is a Utilikilt with a Sam Brown belt holding it up. On the belt is a Leatherman Multitool, keyholder, and pouches for powdered lubricant, spray bottle for same, my celly and one for gloves/condoms. Lastly, there is my firearm holster, and the handcuffs.

In my 20+ years doing BDSM, I have yet to use the handcuffs for anything other than show. Oh, how they look HOT, but are about as useful to the S/M scene as a bag of wet newspaper. Perhaps less so. Ironic, given the iconic imagery surrounding them.

Get some nice, soft WIDE cord. Try using longish scarves. We are fond of the polartech fleece belt from my robe. Nice, soft, strong. Get yer hubby a pair of Emergency Sheers, and have them nearby.

Keep the handcuffs on yer belt for show!

Gudy's picture


And it's not just because I happen to find it extremely hot myself. It is, on the face of it, the most practical solution toyour problem.

Also, I second the No for the handcuffs. If you do use scarfs (and they are nice for impromptu bondage), I'd recommend that you stay away from silk: the knots can seize up the the point where cutting is the only way to free your lover, and they can tighten to the point were they restrain not just yourself but also your blood circulation. I'd recommend leather/Velcro cuffs and some lengths of nice, thick (at least 3/8 inch or more) cotton rope. Doing away with the cuffs/restraints and only using rope is a more economical choice, but requires some measure of knowing what the hell you're doing, Re: blood circulation etc. Also, absolutely do have a pair of Emergency Shears ready.

As for masturbation, that's a tricky one: unsupervised self-bondage is potentially rather dangerous. Still, some experimentation might be in order. Try tying, taping, or otherwise fixing a vibrator in place, as well as tying your legs and lower body just enough that your squirming doesn't dislodge the toy. Keep your arms free if at all possible, since you most emphatically don't want to end up in a position from which you can't extricate yourself without outside help.

firesprite's picture

I have indeed thought of this, but it has it's own issues. First, my very own Sir tends to have very impromptu sex, very rarely leaving time to tie me up. Though, I suppose that this could be solved once we have the gear (sadly, I have only a mattress and boxspring on the floor, making bondage to restrain myself a little less effective. I have tied other partners up and in the heat of things it's VERY easy to just take the mattress with you. lol) The Second issue with this is that the few times hubby has restrained me himself (or tried rather) just with his own body, aside from being unable to control myself, I also lose control of my vocals, which makes me sound (to me) like a cheesy porn star and then I get all self conscious (especially living in an 8-plex apartment). I know, I know, I'm impossible. Biggrin But, hey, thanks for the advice. Sadly, I no long have any toys. I threw them all away since they were relatively useless to me. I guess I will just have to save and save and save to get a nice pretty new one (money is very tight, or else money would have been flying at you Mei).

Gudy's picture


Would this set of under the bed restraints work for you? If impromptu sex is a frequent occurrence, I definitely recommend leather or Velcro cuffs over the rope-only approach for tying speed.

For the audio problem, how's about a ball gag and ear plugs? }:)

ETA: As for budget constraints, how handy are you guys in the DIY department? Would The Better Built Bondage Book help?

The Vixen's picture

I know what I want for my birthday now!!! Squee!!

Han-pan's picture


I wouldn't worry about it too much. So long as your partner doesn't mind it, Gudy's suggestions for ear plugs is a good one if you get self conscious about hearing yourself.

It seems to me that you're just trying too hard to control yourself. Controlling yourself like that does not lend itself well to relaxation OR good orgasms. It focuses your brain on whatever it is you're DOING rather than FEELING and staves off any possibility of a decent orgasm.

manoki's picture


earplugs don't block out the noises you make yourself. Try using just your fingers. You hear your own voice inside your head, not just through your ears.

Gudy's picture


it's a) distorted and b) basically the only thing you hear, and being in your own distorted "sound bubble" might be enough for her to not fret about the whole thing that much.

firesprite's picture

Hehe, I know Han-pan. I just need to give in and break that mental wall of mine. I know where the block stems from, and it's not even remotely a sexual source. Wonderful how average mundane things effect all aspects of your life, isn't it?

Gudy, Thanks for the advice. Smile Much help, and I really like that book. I'll have to look in to ordering it... when the funds become available!

The Vixen's picture

I know this may sound silly, but try practicing the noises sometime. It's an old theater trick, if you practice looking like a fool, you won't feel self-conscious about looking like a fool. Maybe if you practice with your man, he could give you a massage, and you could moan when you like it, or something. It may be really goofy at first, and you may spend more time giggling than anything else, but eventually you won't even realize it.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

I had a long thing written and IT GOT EATEN BY FIREFOX! fuckity!

The gist of it: Girl you gotta let go. Don't think about the neighbors. Secretly, they may be grooving on it. Bite into a pillow if you have to. I do.

firesprite's picture

Biggrin MeiLin, I will try my hardest. I had suspected everything that all of you have told me, I was just looking for confirmation, or maybe other ideas. It's not going to be easy, at all. But, then again, if husband can start talking dirty to me during sex, at my request, then the least I can do is return the favor. Thank you all

bedazzled101's picture

Hi Everyone Smile ,
I'm a pretty new reader...but this new format of the "newest first" page finally cued me into the existence of a forum LOL. Anyway, I just had to respond, Firesprite you really just need to relax and forget about controlling your sounds(if you are worried bout neighbors listening in, turn on some music) and make your goal to try and not move your body when you start to squirm. I know exactly what you are feeling, I myself used to be so squirmy my husband had to hold my legs for dear life. The trick to getting more control when you are squirmy is practice dealing with the larger ones. Also, you should have at least one real good medical grade silicone vibrator. I am an avid shopper of Fun Factory brand toys; after going through dozens of other brands, their toys are the only ones that do it for me. And you must "practice" with it daily, this helps you get used to the squirmy feelings so you can learn to not squirm as much. My trick is to imagine my lower half of my body is glued into place or I imagine being tied to restraints(I love imagining them, but real restraints make me terribly uncomfortable). The more practice you have with larger orgasms the more you will be able to focus on not squirming. Also the more practice you get in with a vibrator the bigger and longer orgasms you will have during sex. That is my experience, anyway. My best orgasms are when I don't think about anything but the feeling I'm experiencing.
PS Also when "practicing" with your toy and have orgasmed once,don't stop whatever you do...keep going. Soon you will be able to have strong multiples.

Hope this can be of some assistance! XOXOX

The Vixen's picture

I also discovered masturbation really early, (actually as long as I can remember, but it was probably somewhere around 8 years old), and when I was little, after masturbating I would feel uncomfortable for hours, often causing me to be unable to fall asleep after.

It wasn't until I was in my teen years that this started to wear down, but then it didn't completely go away until a few years ago.

On top of that, I almost never have a full blown vaginal orgasm (although I tend to actually have one if I get bit really hard on my neck and shoulders right at the time of orgasm), despite the ease I have clitoral orgasms.

Basically, I think that it might change over time. I have a feeling that in a few years, I'll have vaginal orgasms I couldn't even imagine. Also, there's the suggestion of trying new things, like the biting thing.

firesprite's picture

Heh, Vixen, Biting and I are very good friends. Believe me.

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