To unfriend or not?

I always hate unfriending people on my facebook. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Which is why I'm asking what y'all think in this situation.

The person in question isn't really a "friend", per se. She was/is a friend of another friend, who is no longer my friend for reasons including this person. Ok, that sounds convoluted. **TL;DR version at the end

Let's try this: I used to play WoW. Until 4 months ago, I had played for almost 3 years, and become friends with several of the people in my guild. One of those people, J, became engaged to a girl, HJ. I friended HJ on Facebook, figuring that if she was in my guild and engaged to marry a friend, well...why not? She played and was in my guild as well, and we got along pretty well. And then...all hit the fan. She and J ended up splitting, with me in the middle as a mediator (because I always end up in that role), and I lost J as a friend because of stuff he said to me.

HJ has some pretty serious medical issues, including ones with her heart valves. She has recently attempted (again) to stop smoking, although I don't know where she stands with that right now because she hasn't posted any updates. She is engaged...again. To a different person. The second one in the 2 years (maybe?) that I've known her. And now...she's pregnant.

I think this is a bad idea, and very irresponsible of her. Not because she's not married - I really don't care about your marital status, as long as you can take care of the child you are bringing into this world. And there's the crux of it - she's a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe, who has serious medical issues that can cause her to have a very shortened life span. I'm not sure I can be supportive of her while she goes on and on about the pregnancy (which? she's only 5 weeks and let's not get me started on telling the entire world that early) and how hard it will (inevitably) be when she did this intentionally. You can't tell me she didn't know how babies were made! And I wouldn't be vocally unsupportive either, because that's just RUDE. I am, however, considering unfriending her. But doesn't that make ME rude? "congrats on getting pregnant, I don't want to be your friend anymore!"

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

**For the TL;DR: commitement-phobe friend with medical issues is pregnant and I'm not sure I can deal. Am I rude to unfriend her?

Forums: 
Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... unfriend-her-now camp. She's not, by your own admission, much of a friend, and the same is true in the other direction. It doesn't sound like you're getting much, or anything except drama, out of your current relationship with her, whatever that relationship might be, and it doesn't look like there's much of a chance of improvement in the foreseeable future. Quite to the contrary, it looks like things are headed downhill. That you want to get out of this mess doesn't make you rude, it makes you sane.

So do it.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

Personally, I'd only defriend someone if I didn't remember who they were or if they had done something aggressive towards me (like sending me angry/threatening messages or telling me off in real life). In my experience, de-friending under any other circumstance is basically intended as a slap in the face.

I might just use facebook differently than you do, though. Most of my facebook friends are people that I don't really keep in touch with, and I don't necessarily care for the life choices many of them have made. Personally, I wouldn't consider defriending them, because I use facebook as a means of keeping track of all of my acquaintances in case I want to see what they're up to or get in touch with them for some unexpected reason. I also use facebook to keep in touch with friends, but I see that as a very separate functionality of facebook.

It sounds like you view facebook differently, and you'd only like to be friends with people that you're at least sort of friends with.

If that's the case but you want to avoid hurting J, you should change your profile settings so that she can't see things that you post or pictures of you. You can see less of HER by x-ing out any updates you get about her in your newsfeed. That way you can get more distance without offending anyone.

Besides, this way if you wonder how her future-child is doing, you'll at least be able to view J's profile page for a rough update.

So far, I've been assuming that you care what J thinks and that you might have some slight interest in what she's up to lately. Now, if you really have no interest at all in J or anyone associated with her, feel free to de-friend her. She'll probably just figure that you're one of those people who only stays "friends" with real friends.

I hope this helps -- let us know what you decide to do!

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

to share things with friends, keep in touch with them throughout the week, keep tabs on family (as I don't talk to many of them at all, mostly because I don't know them very well), see things friends are interested in that don't need a conversation (check out this cute photo/video/interesting article). I do have a few people in my list who I was friends with back in my childhood - people I've lost track of, that I probably wouldn't be friends with now, but they wanted to see what I was up to so whatever. Most of the people on my list, though, are RL friends and/or family.

If I hide someone from my feed, I wonder what the point of having them as a friend is. I mean, why be friends with someone and then not care to see what's going on with them? Feels kinda pointless to me, and I'm not likely to check in on them...as I would then see all the things I didn't want to see in the first place!

The de-friend is not intended as a slap in the face, but rather as a sanity saver for myself. I know how hard pregnancy can be, and my own was considered high-risk, but...I just have the feeling that there will be much drama associated with hers. That's assuming she actually manages to STAY pregnant. And that? Right there? Is part of the reason I worry about de-friending her. I CAN offer support if she loses it. I've been there, done that, and have lots of friends who've been there too. I know I'm not likely to stick my foot in my mouth and that I can offer resources to help cope. I'm not sure that's really a reason to stick around, though.

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

blocking her would still allow her to Angel see your updates, and (b) not know that you defriended her.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

Unfriend her. In a heartbeat. Would she even notice? (That would probably factor into whether it comes across mild slight vs. slap-in-the-face). Even if she would, still unfriend. What possible benefit are you getting from dealing with her stress and drama, when she's not really even a (real life definition of) 'friend'? It doesn't sound worth it at all.

Caveat: I am not an aggressive FB user, so I don't find the friending/unfriending thing to be a big deal in general. I might get worried if my husband unfriended me there, but that's about it.

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

If she'd notice or not. She doesn't really comment on my posts, or pics that I put up. Hell, for all I know she has me hidden!

I always have a hard time when someone is upset with me, or I with them. Unfriending someone is usually the very last thing I do, and I try to do it quietly so they won't notice and there won't be any drama involved. Smile

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Not because you disapprove of her life choices, but because she's not the sort of person you need to have in your life. She's already tanked one friendship and you have your own kid to worry about, without adding hers too.

Is it unfortunate? Yep. Does it suck? Yep. The only way you can avoid drama like this is to not get involved. Contrary to popular belief, sometimes it is OK to turn the compassion off and be a little bitchy.

Amy's picture

Supplicant

for you...

Does she seem to demand more support then she gives? Y / N

Does she create more drama than you want in your life from a CASUAL acquaintance? Y / N

Is she someone you would have befriended in person for the simple joy of knowing her in your everyday life? Y / N

If you answer "No" to the last two of these questions; and or "yes" to the first then go ahead and unfriend her. She is not a healthy addition to your life.

and BTW it does not make you a bad person to want healthy additions to your life, and to choose to not invite into your life those who help create toxic feelings in you.

Anyone who has been engaged twice in as many years is not a very emotionally stable person. And choosing to get pregnant when it could be dangerous for her is not a very emotionally stable decision either. She sounds rather toxic to me.

Are you really gonna allow yourself to feel bad for doing what is right for yourself? Dropping her will not be a case of throwing her to the wolves; or out into a howling snowstorm; it will be a case of simply wishing her well while you go about the life that is best for you.

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

She doesn't reply to anything I post, pics or otherwise, so I guess I'd say 'yes' to the first.

She caused more drama than I'd want in my life even from my best friend, let alone someone I only know through the net.

I don't know if she's someone I would have befriended IRL, as I doubt we would ever have met if it weren't for her friendship with a guildmate and friend. If I did, it would most likely have been a very casual friendship, simply because of the amount of drama that she seems to be in quite frequently. I get tired of dealing with it at some point. Smile

She is not terribly stable - I did mention she was a commitment-phobe, right? I don't know if she really really understands what changes your life goes through once you have a child. I thought I did, but I most certainly did not. I didn't know the amount of time and attention he would need!

And yes, I will feel bad, simply because I've got a very active guilt reflex. I mean, she hasn't directly done anything to ME or my husband...I just don't agree with the choices she's making and I can't support them. And there will be drama with this pregnancy of hers in one form or another. The thought of having to read it, even if I don't offer support or respond in any fashion, makes me feel exhausted. I COULD hide her, but then what's the point of having her as a friend??

Amy's picture

Supplicant

a nasty double edged sword. While it is only right, natural, and proper to feel guilty when we are in the wrong and it has caused harm; Feeling guilty for taking simple acts to protect ourselves, or in some way make our lives better, using methods that are Not designed to purposely cause harm to others... is not only NOT healthy, it is in many ways a way of saying that "I don't believe I have the right to protect myself, or enrich my life."

Not a healthy habit to teach your darling child. Or a great way for you to keep living. Empower yourself!! then you can help properly empower your child.

And Not wanting to be involved with someone's constant drama is a great way to help keep your life and your family happy and healthy. In oh so many ways.

((((( HUGS ))))

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

I have taken the overwhelming vote to heart and un-friended her. Now, to see if there is backlash...

Thank you, everyone, for listening and giving me your thoughts. They are much appreciated!

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

*hugs* I do understand the wish to avoid the additional drama/guilt of cutting out someone (if she even notices), but sometimes you just have to cut your losses. Good for you Smile

AVR's picture

I don't have an opinion about the unfriending, but I do wonder how you know she got pregnant intentionally. It sounds like you're just assuming she did, and I think that's really unfair to assume if you don't in fact know she did.

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

accidental, but people STILL know how NOT to get pregnant. If you're not taking precautions not to get pregnant, then getting pregnant IS intentional in the "omission" sort of way. Since this is going to be extremely high-risk for her, and something she most likely shouldn't do at this point, then it's extremely irresponsible of her not to take precautions.

And if you're thinking of jumping on me because I think getting pregnant is easy for everyone, let me stop you in your tracks. I know it's not. It took me six years to get pregnant with my son, who is now 4-months-old. We, however, WANTED to get pregnant and thus were not doing anything to prevent it. Husband just got fixed so we can't do this again (because we don't want to!) and while we were waiting to get the all clear, we used protection...even though we have

So, to do something that is going to be harmful for you and possibly harmful for your child, such as getting pregnant when you shouldn't, taking meds that aren't safe during pregnancy because you can't function without them, is completely irresponsible behavior.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

If we're going to split hairs, you can't know she wasn't taking precautions either. As I recall, we've got a few people on the forums who have gotten pregnant while on the pill AND using condoms. Nothing's 100%, just very unlikely.

Whether she was or not really had nothing to do with why you wished to remove yourself from the situation, though, did it? Blum 3

Tigger's picture

Supplicant

It's true enough that I can't know she wasn't taking precautions and was just extremely fertile, with a determined body and baby!

But no, it really doesn't have any bearing on why I wanted to have nothing to do with the situation. A year ago it might have, but that was a lifetime ago, with different triggers and issues. Smile

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