My parents hate my boyfriend. We'll call him "B." Just to give you an idea where I stand on the issue: he and I have been together for several years now (since I was about 19), and I'm really happy with our relationship. He's easy to talk to, interesting, thoughtful, smart, attractive, can make me laugh about anything, and he values the same things in life that I do. His degree will be in an engineering field that will make it easy enough for him to find work. I have no desire to "get out there" and date other people even though this is only my third relationship. We've lived together in the past, and we're moving in together again in a few months. Until then, though, I'm living with my parents in a different city. (I've considered moving in with him now, but I do actually like my parents, and my dad has a chronic illness that could significantly shorten his lifespan, so I want to spend this time with them before I move away for medical school. Also, my job is here, and it's easier for me to save up money for a few things when I'm living with them.)
My dad's position: he thinks I only like B because I'm so used to being with him that it's "comfortable." Basically, he doesn't know B very well and thinks I deserve better. He's willing to keep that to himself unless asked.
My mom, however, is like a fountain of hatred. I don't think she even knows why she hates him so much. Occasionally she'll say something like, "You know, if he had a job while he was finishing his degree, I don't think I'd have a problem with him," or, "you know, my only problem is that he doesn't talk very much," or "I think I was just taking out my anger at ____ on B." But then, if we keep talking, and if I explain anything about why I like him or how he's already got plans to start working soon, she eventually blows up and starts saying things like, "This is a nightmare! I can't believe you're still with him after this long! He's the worst thing that's ever happened to you! Oh, he's got you fooled all right; he's USING you, his PARENTS are using you! I hate him! Asshole!" (He borrowed a spare mattress from me and hasn't gotten it back to me yet. That's the "using" part.) And occasionally, when I offer his perspective (which I generally agree with) on some issue, she says things like, "Oh, of COURSE he's right because he has the penis. He's a penis-brain, and he's going to ride you like a B**CH!" These are not logical arguments. They have NO foundation that I can think of; she's spent MAYBE ten hours around B, and the most they ever engage in is small-talk.
For the record, my dad is very non-sexist. He cooks, does laundry, treats everyone with respect... so I don't think she's taking out sexism-anger on B.
Normally (unless my mom gets really bad with the insults) I tell her that I'm glad she's concerned for my well-being, but I can look out for myself, and if I ever find myself unhappy with my relationships, I can get myself out of them just fine. After that, once we cool down, I usually spend some time in the evenings with my family to show that I love them and that no one's "coming between us," but tonight I just couldn't do it. I warmly thanked them for dinner, and told them that I felt like eating in my room tonight.
I still want to spend these last few months with my parents -- medical school and residency will keep me really busy for at least 7 years, and I don't even know if my dad will live longer than that -- but the tension is really bad. I can deal with the fact that my parents probably won't come to my hypothetical-future-wedding. I can deal with the fact that, 10 years from now, B probably won't be invited to the family Christmas dinner. I can deal with the current issues when things are peaceful between arguments. But it's hard living in this poisonous atmosphere, and I'm actually getting worried that my mom has some sort of medical issue causing all of this rage. (She gets mad at everyone when she drinks even a little bit, but she seems to get mad at B even when she's completely sober.)
Anyone have any advice? I'm mostly just looking for comfort/normal perspectives to help tide me over for the next few months.