Ranting for a bit

Before I start ranting: Yes, I know I should be ignoring him outright. I'm just being selfish cause I don't want to. Kay? Kay. Tl;dr at the bottom.

So I broke up with my boyfriend finally the morning of Halloween. Except for hard-to-coordinate schedules, there wasn't actually all that much wrong, I was just feeling... stifled, I guess. I haven't been single much. I got into a relationship my freshman year of high school, and with the exception of some brief periods of open relationships (which I didn't get to take a huge amount of advantage of, cause in my experience boys are not nearly as okay with them as they claim they are) I haven't been single for more than a month or two since. I went straight from high school boy to just-broke-up-with boy. And I'm in COLLEGE. When I'm in a relationship I feel like I have to be Good and Behave and I get all Domestic and fussy. Which admittedly I rather enjoy, but it was starting to wear on me.

So I told him I needed some time to be single in college and have fun. I'm leaving for Beijing in the spring anyway, and we'd decided we didn't want to do long distance relationships anyway. It's not like he was expecting me to be around for the long haul or anything. (Or he certainly shouldn't have been; he's the one who hates long distance). But we agreed to keep hooking up. If nothing else, after a year and some, we know each other's preferences very very well.

Thus my comment at the top. I know a FWB thing after a year long relationship is going to be an emotional disaster for both of us. But I'm still so in love with him I can't convince myself to do anything else.

We didn't act any differently the first few days. We both found someone else to hook up with on Halloween, but otherwise we were still just doing same old same old. Then on that Wednesday I had some drinks at the fraternity I hang out with, and didn't feel comfortable driving to his place, so I texted him that I was staying there. And he didn't get the text message for whatever service failure reason, and started freaking out at 6am and called me to find out if I was hooking up with anyone. So we decided two days later that maybe a little emotional distance would be good, since he clearly couldn't handle "what we had before but with other people allowed."

So... now I'm swamped with homework and sick, and he's on a business trip out east for a week. This is where we are.

SO HOW CAN HE BE SULKING ABOUT MY NOT TALKING TO HIM ENOUGH?

If I really wanted to, I could probably come up with a whole long list of things he's done recently that pissed me off, but I really don't care about them that much. They piss me off briefly, then I remember exactly how much I've turned his life upside down, and it kills the anger dead just like that. But today we were IMing and he starts complaining about how he keeps trying to make time to talk to me and I keep rebuffing him.

Um? What.

Not that I haven't been "rebuffing" him. I've had homework and I've been sick and sleeping weird hours, which is not helped by the time difference. So he'll look for me online and I'll be doing homework, or napping, or eating dinner, or whatever. I also spend a lot of time at the bookstore reading, but that's my emotional crutch to keep me stable and admitting that to him is... not something I'd like to do at this point.

But where does that leave me? He's NOT my boyfriend any more. I'm under no particular obligation to keep in contact with him 24/7. I certainly enjoy talking to him when I have free time, but our schedules are almost literally opposite right now. I'm not going to blow off naps if I need them; I'm SICK. I'm not going to admit to the bookstore thing. I'm sure as hell not blowing off schoolwork.

He argues that I should've done more work this weekend. Okay, maybe. I was not very organized about my homework, this is true. But minor food poisoning Saturday morning aside, I had a GREAT weekend. I went to Special Dinner with my friend Sarah, and dressed as a witch in my awesomeawesomeawesome new corset, and got to play lots of games of 10 Fingers with some close friends and some new friends, and watched Die Hard, and did 8 loads of laundry FINALLY, and saw my friend Melearlin for a while, and partied with the fencing team, and found a cute boy for Saturday night, and generally had a blast. There's no reason I can see that I should've felt compelled to do more of my homework early (since I actually did a fair bit of it).

And again... R, you're not my boyfriend any more. I'm not SUPPOSED to talk to you as much. YOU asked ME to put more distance. I'm supposed to just be a FWB. Remember? When I told you I was sick and instead of telling me to get well soon, you told me I had two days to get better? Cause God forbid I can't sleep with you Thursday in the 24 hours between you getting back and me leaving for Thanksgiving. If you want me to make time to talk to you, you owe me at least a 'feel better' before you start whining about possibly missing sex.

Just ARGH. If he wants emotional distance, he wants emotional distance. If he wants me to talk to him more, try to have more time at the same times he does, I could probably work that out too. But for the love of GOD make up your MIND. You were so normal for the last two years! You don't get to turn into a four year old now. I know you've always treated me a lot better than I've treated you, and if you wanted to complain about my treatment of you there's probably a lot of justification there, but please at least TRY to keep your requests from being COMPLETELY CONTRADICTORY.

...grarrr.

Tl;dr: R and I broke up; we still hook up but he's asked for emotional distance. Yet he has been complaining that I don't talk to him enough.

Advice appreciated but not the purpose... I mostly just wanted to vent. I've got an over developed guilt complex so typing at a computer is one of the few ways I actually CAN vent without subconsciously getting talked into one viewpoint or another by someone's responses or even expressions.

Forums: 
Mith's picture

Supplicant

I had a terribly similar experiance. And I finally said something like "For God sake, stop being such an emo drama queen. If I wanted to date a 14 year old girl, I would."

Like you, I was busy (AP tests were coming up, and finals) I was trying to kick a smoking habit, and it was already long distance. In the end, it became one of those "relationships I regret", but I think all of the problems could have been over come if he wasn't such a self ritious pussy who, even though we (like you) had agreed an open relationship was okay- would bring up that he wasn't having sex with any one else, as a "moral superiority" thing. He was also bad in bed, and stupid.

So that's my uh... rant response? And my suggestion, take like a week off of dealing with him- say your interenet is out and block him, or something if you can't tell him to just back off for a few days, and see, at the end of that time, if you really do like him, or if you just like the stability of a relationship.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

He was never a drama queen before, so this is relatively new. Nor is he particularly self righteous. We've talked about the fact that he hooked up with Laurel and I didn't care, but he gets bothered by me and other boys. And he acknowledges that he is being wildly hypocritical, but there really isn't much either of us can do about it. I'm not going to start caring just cause he does, and he's got a whole host of parental-divorce issues contributing to his issues with this. So I kind of ignore the hypocrisy part. He knows he's doing it, even if he can't fix it, and that's good enough.

If he was bad in bed, this wouldn't be an issue Wink I'm not easy in bed to begin with, and he's very well adjusted to me. Dunwanna Biggrin

We are, in fact, doing that. He's on a business trip till Thursday and then I'm home for Thanksgiving for a week. So he gets me tomorrow night, I get my fix of fantastic sex, and then I can ignore him for a week. I'll make it clear that my parents will be running me ragged (true enough) and if he whines more over break, I'll lecture him when I get back.

Sure, I like the stability of a relationship. I also love him. He's got his share of flaws, but I've never denied that he treats me like a princess, and usually far better than I treat him. If he'd been an emo drama queen the whole time, I wouldn't have stayed with him for a year. I had plenty of that in my last relationship, thanks Biggrin

Mith's picture

Supplicant

Then it sounds like you have some luck Smile

Is there anything else going in his life that is making him more clingy now? It could be a symptom of something else- maybe. Maybe not.

I like to be optimistic in things like this and say that it'll probably all work out, especially if you two still have affection for each other- and it sounds like you definitely do.

Although, it's probably true, as others are saying, that the transition to FWP is hard for him, although I might hazard to say that it's hard for many, because instead of "progressing" in a relationship (to more physical and/or emotional intimacy) it can seem like "regressing". This isn't always true, but it seems to be a popular opinion.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

His life's kind of upside down right now. New job, just got an apartment, just broke up... it's a bit crazy on him. One of the reasons I'm venting at you guys instead of him Blum 3

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

As with pretty much everything that gets posted here, I've read it. I don't have much in the way of response that'd be original atawl.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

The venting was mostly for my sake. Cheers for reading it though :beer: Smile

MeiLin's picture

Most High

He's not in an FWB frame of mind; he's still in boyfriend-girlfriend mode.

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

this.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... exactly. This FWB thing does not work for him, clearly. And since the original relationship didn't work for you, it's probably time to end it. Completely. If you feel like it, tell him you'll agree to meet him and see whether you're still compatible after you're back from Beijing, but do cease all contact for now.

Also, *hugs*

Marri's picture

Supplicant

He works for my school, his best friend lives across the street, and we share a mutual very good friend who we both visit frequently. I'd rather do this friendly-but-not-avoiding if possible, just for sake of non brain explody.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... a bit by agreeing with you some more: restrict your contact to the social level only. No FWB, however good the B are. (Believe me, I know exactly how much having to go without sex, or at least good sex, for extended periods sucks. It's still my best advice.) Both of you guys need some distance, and if you keep having sex with each other you won't get there.

And again, because there are never enough hugs in the world: *hugs*

Marri's picture

Supplicant

Technically speaking I did that already! But yes, I know. I'm hoping me going MIA for Thanksgiving will help. If not, we rediscuss when I get back.

V's picture

Embodiment

Even considering that things aren't peachy for him right now, unless you change your mind and want to be together forever this is the best advice I can think of. You both need some distance to recalibrate.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

I agree with what MeiLin says in her post, but I have no idea what the acronym in the post title stands for. Someone wanna enlighten me?

almonster's picture

I literally just read your comment and went back up, to try and figure it out because I didn't know either, and then I was like Duh! Friends With Benefits! :bigsmile:

Marri's picture

Supplicant

Though I think she was talking about the other acronym

almonster's picture

The one in meilin's subject line? That could make sense. lol :bigsmile:

Marri's picture

Supplicant

"Dump The Mother F***er Already"

Urban Dictionary will tell you most acronyms, if you Google them. In this case, I technically already HAVE DTMFA, he just hasn't really noticed yet Blum 3

V's picture
Marri's picture

Supplicant

a version of JFGI for JFUDI?

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

UD isn't a verb, though.
There's the catch.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Kaisar Ryu's picture

Petitioner

Ah, but is your mind strong enough to hold out the consensus of normality that the majority of people hold up as 'Reality?' Or will you be pulled back in with all those other chumps? (Ha, chumps can't see that there is no 'Normal.' They're the ones in denial.)

[sorry, my inner malcavian had to speak up]

Marri's picture

Supplicant

But then, normal is boring.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Every time we say that around here we put on the Adam Savage maniacal perky voice.

Amiable Hummingbird's picture

Devotee

with how much I use that. Getting a shirt that says it too might put them over the edge!

NorthwoodsMan's picture

Embodiment

Roll to disbelieve!!

V's picture

Embodiment

Remember that dictionaries are always playing catchup. If "google" as a verb could enter our vocabulary so swiftly, surely a net-savvy bunch of folks like this forum would understand "urban dictionary" as a verb. Google was nothing but a typo for 1E100 (googol) before some nerds came along.

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

says common usage. While it would be understood here, it's not used as a verb nearly as frequently as "google" is. That was my initial point, if inartfully put.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

can be verbed.

JeVoudraisCake's picture

Supplicant

I want this on a T-shirt.

Mith's picture

Supplicant

It's like the opposite of a gerund.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... verbing weirds language. Blum 3

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