The Bandwagon is getting crowded...

For I, after being away for awhile because of the hiatus, have decided that for once I should suck it up and show my work! I will be showing poetry, but I wish I could show prose; the problem is I have many word documents (titled, saved etc) ready to have the words written in them, but I've not found my muse to help, and so this work of poetry I'll be showing is from school.

Actually I'll be showing two pieces of poetry, enjoy. Smile

Note: The second one is a Shakespearian Sonnet, just so you know. Smile

1) A Wild Tune

As the gentle breeze glides on through the month of June,
it takes with it yesterday’s light and brings forth a chill
while the golden eye gazes upon the white moon.

However, others come together and begin to commune,
their voices echo through the night, causing a stand-still
as the gentle breeze glides on through the month of June.

But the heat in the middle of the night causes the tune
carried forth from their lungs to suddenly trill,
while the golden eye gazes upon the white moon.

Still, to hear such a wonderful sound so soon,
causes the body to shake with such a thrill
as the gentle breeze glides on through the month of June

If one were to listen closely, they could hear the branches swoon
as the haunting music is played with definite skill,
while the golden eye gazes upon the white moon.

Although, the delicate sound is nothing more than a boon
to celebrate the quantity that is given from the kill;
as the gentle breeze glides on through the month of June,
while the golden eye gazes upon the white moon.

2) Enduring Scars

The ground is dark and coarse with hopelessness.
The grand sky weeps gently in pure silence
As its hollow dark tears fall answerless,
With hope to rid the Earth its impotence.

Yet a dull seed still lies deep within her.
With the help of those dark broad hollow tears,
Coupled with Apollo’s rays in a blur
Will wee seed grow, casting aside her fears?

With hope and prayer it does, twisting, bending
It grows; exceeding citation’s with pride.
Then an idea, thorns sprout for those not minding
To serve them in understanding, a guide:

To touch this wonder, a beauty coloured blood,
Is to welcome the final, the absolute flood.

Well I hope you guys like it!

Enid's picture

Devotee

i'll be honest, i didn't get much out of the first one. it's well written and all, i just wasn't feeling it i guess. i likes the second one though. it really grabbed my imagination, very nice

Amy's picture

Supplicant

I like them both quite a lot. & I get them both too. :bigsmile:

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

1) That's a villanelle, yes? I love villanelles! It's such a fun form to work with - I once wrote one about pork. Yum. My one major complaint with this poem is the "However," at the beginning of the second stanza. It does not work at ALL for me, the way it's used screams "college essay!" Even a minor tweak like replacing it with "And then" or something else would keep it more lyrical. Again, it could just be me, but it was really jarring. The "definite" in the fifth stanze is also not my favorite choice of words, but it's nowhere near as distracting as the "However,".

2) If you're going for a traditional Shakespearean sonnet, you need to work on your iambic pentameter. It's rather hit or miss. You generally have the ten syllables per line, but lines 11, 13, and 15 have eleven syllables, and line 16 has twelve. Also, the iambic rhythm doesn't work a lot of the time because you don't always have the natural stresses in a word lined up with the beat. Examples include within, Apollo, and idea. I'd say their natural stress patterns are within, Apollo, and idea (accent italicized), but that's not where the iambic beat falls on them in the lines above. The iambic pentameter does work really well in line 10, and it's almost as good in line 12 (I don't think the "-ing" ending ever gets a natural stress, as opposed to the Shakespearean "-ed" or "-'d" which often does end up carrying the beat as a result).
Also, the theme seems kinda vague here. The most focused and enjoyable to read part is the third stanza; you really have a nice volta effect, it just needs something more definite to "turn" against. I don't know where the blood/red color in the couplet comes from at all. I'd bet your theme was clearer in your initial draft, but became obscured while you were trying to get the right words to fit the metrics. Time to un-obscure it!

Erm, sorry for the wordy critique. Trying to fit within a set form is harder because you do have to fit the rules (at least most of the time), but I think it's worth it. Plus, I still really like that first one.

V's picture

Embodiment

but my general ambivalence for poetry is showing again. Don't use me as a benchmark, tho!

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

said the man whose sig is a quote from a poet...

V's picture

Embodiment

I'm not much on poetry readings, either, but a good session of slam poetry has a different vibe. Blum 3

ETA: that reminds me, I've been meaning to change it. Just looking for a good replacement.

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