Consider the bandwagon likewise jumped on

It seems the hiatus has brought both new readers and new writers out of the woodwork. I have to wonder how structurally sound the woodwork still is, at this point. Well, not to be outdone, I'm adding my own bit of fiction here. It's based on EverQuest 2, but that would make itself known further into the story, though I do try to explain things for non-gamers.

Anyway, critique is welcome and there is more of this available if I capture anyone's interest.

Just one more wing. Then I can be done with this accursed task.

Onash Shadowkin pressed the dagger against the base of the fairy's wing, recalling his Assassin's training. With a simple flick of the wrist, he deftly seperated the wing from the body.

It split cleanly down the center.

He growled wordlessly and dropped the dagger, rubbing the back of his hand across his eyes. The tiny body turned to dust in his lap and he sighed heavily. Focus, Gods take you! Yet he knew he could not. Each time he tried to concentrate his mind drifted back to the more pressing problem. One of his own making. She is a strong woman. She will understand.

V's picture

Embodiment

I've never played EQ2 but this feels unusual enough to grab me. Now that I know that I assume Assassin is a guild or class...consider playing that up slightly less by rephrasing the second paragraph "With the skill of an Assassin,". You also start consecutive sentences with "with".

Frog Princess--this is a good example of what I was trying to say. ZI has cut well to the core of his idea and is using almost every word and sentence to good effect.

Andyl's picture

Embodiment

The last sentence of your second paragraph is a fragment. It would read better meshed into the previous sentence: "With a simple flick of the wrist, he deftly seperated the wing from the body and split it cleanly down the center."

I agree with V that the sentence before that doesn't read quite right. "With the skill of an Assassin" or "With the skill becoming a professional Assassin" (insert adjective of choice) are smoother.

Also, "Focus, Gods take you" is in plain text, while his other two thoughts are in italics.

Zandu Ink's picture

Embodiment

Fixed the italics and sentence fragment, reworded the"Assassin" and double "with", and swapped one hand for a lap...

ETA: Fixed Capriox's "problem" problem.

Thanks for all the feedback. It is helping. Does no one want to read the rest of it?

V's picture

Embodiment

I figured the request was inherent when I said it grabbed me. Blum 3

Zandu Ink's picture

Embodiment

As I mentioned to Capriox below, if you click on the "Zandu Ink" in my sig, it redirects you to my newest livejournal, coincidently of the same name. The full version of this part of the story, complete with new opening, is ready to be critiqued. Others will be following as I retrace my steps through the archives and gather the pieces from other places.

Unless Mei says it's ok to post the whole thing here. But that's what Intimate Subtext is for. If only I could figure out the base UI...

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

There is no UI button to turn something in an LJ cut, you have to do it manually with the tags yourself. Same with formatting with italics and such. You use HTML tags for those.

Zandu Ink's picture

Embodiment

If I try to use the HTML tags, it just displays it as text instead of working as intended. I know on the rich text ui it does have a button for lj cut, but it is difficult to use. I think I'm getting the hang of it, though. I'll have to fiddle with it when I get home from work.

Also, it should be lj-cut text="words here" between the carats, right?

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

And you need a closing tag.

Zandu Ink's picture

Embodiment

Even if the entire rest of the text is behind the cut?

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

speaking to a web designer. Allow me to smack you with a ruler. You ALWAYS close the tag.

Zandu Ink's picture

Embodiment

I used my laptop which convenienctly had a copy of semagic still on it. It has been posted and seems to be working correctly, though I wasn't able to tag it with my name. I think you may have to add one before I can.

I will remember to close the tag from now on.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Not sure if I can edit tags. I assume I can, but maybe not?

Also, anyone wanting to read the story who has not been invited to the community, let me know. I can do that too.

Edit: You have been added as a tag.

NorthwoodsMan's picture

Embodiment

Raigne wrote:
Allow me to smack you with a ruler.

Ooo. Foreplay....

Pedes's picture

Postulant

Raigne wrote:
Allow me to smack you with a ruler.

Mhmmmm, what size is your ruler? I sometimes forgot to close tags... Wink
Raigne's picture

Embodiment

The one I use for matting comps is a two foot long steel ruler with a skid-proof bottom. I also have t-squares and a right-angle ruler, also made of steel, a quilter's ruler made of heavy plastic, and a very long brick-layer's ruler made of wood. There's a very heavy 12" ruler made of solid, 1/8" thick brass around somewhere...

Although, were I to choose a ruler I don't own for smacking purposes, I'd have to go with an architect's or engineer's scale.

Take your pick Blum 3

Pedes's picture

Postulant

*faints from overexcitement*
Do you have one of these: http://pl.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Plik:Krzywik.jpg&filetimestamp... ?
(What do you do for living?)

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

I don't even know what that is...

And I don't do anything for a living. I am currently making a third attempt at higher education. I do have a degree in graphic design, and made money off it for about eight months before I ran screaming into the night, which is why I have various paraphernalia (including rulers) for creating mock-ups, mechanicals, and matting.

Pedes's picture

Postulant

You don't need french curves, you just bent it the way you want Biggrin

Oh, is graphic design that bad? I'm trying to go for illustration, but we're yet to see if I can get anywhere with it...

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

If you're good. You'll have better odds if you can get a job somewhere that keeps illustrators in house, like a publisher, or a game developer, or if you don't mind doing the illustration grunt work, like textures. If you're going freelance, it will be more of an uphill battle.

Illustration requires more talent than graphic design does. Graphic design's more about having a good sense of proportion, good spacial awareness, and an eye for aesthetics, and less about artistic ability.

As for why I'm not doing it, I don't enjoy it. I like futzing with the type and the layout, not dealing with the client and the printer. I'll be using it at school, since the newspaper needs a layout editor more than a copy editor, but I'm planning to do both. They have no layout editor, currently. They have one copy editor, but I'm not impressed with her work. They need both, they just don't know how much they need a new copy editor yet. I will show them. :x

Pedes's picture

Postulant

Well, I'm aiming for both illustration/concept art and comics (and writing *cough*) since learning is king of feeding off each other anyway, and I hope to break in somewhere. I think I'll have to start with freelance anyway, but it'd be cool to be on contract somewhere Smile

Graphic design is something I kind of feel but find it... Boring is not exactly the word, I think "tedious" is what I mean. This comes from a person that can spend 5 hours painting detailed lips, but I know it simply is not my thing.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

I heard that a lot when I was doing mechanicals and comps. Having to trim everything and mount it is tedious to everyone but me. I loved doing that stuff. That might indicate that I should be working with my hands, not in front of a computer, but I handle the tedium of layout and photo manipulation pretty well too. The copy editing only gets tedious the third of fourth read through. When it's fresh, errors stand out to me as if they had fluorescent signs pointing to them.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

I think mounting something that's well-trimmed is usually pretty enjoyable. But maybe you're right...working with your hands is definitely a pleasant alternative. }:)

V's picture

Embodiment

kk ftw! }:)

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Went over my head the first time.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

The revisions definitely help. The "problem at hand" at the end is still a bit confusing, in part because it's still one-too-many hand references, and also because from our perspective, the assassin's immediate problem *is* the fairy wing quest. Almost any other way to refer to the distracting mental problem relating to the woman would be better than "the problem at hand": his bigger problem, the real problem, the larger problem, the overwhelming problem, the greater problem, etc.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

Even better now, because we got another detail at the same time! Post a link to where the rest of the story is online (you mentioned a lj before?) so we can read it. I doubt MeiLin wants us posting whole novels here in the forums ShockedWink

Zandu Ink's picture

Embodiment

For the first time in nearly a year, something is on my LJ (linked in my sig). It's part one of this story, complete with updated first bit. Since it's technically fanfic, I've got it unlocked, so feel free to comment and critique. There's more where that came from, too, but now it's time for a hair cut and a shower.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

did we bother making an LJ community for, if no one's going to use it? xD

Zandu Ink's picture

Embodiment

I had almost forgotten about that... To Livejournal!

ETA: I'm going to have to re-download semagic, since I can't seem to get the base ui to work. It keeps trying to post the whole story on the main page, with no cut or disclaimer. I'll try again in the morning.

Pedes's picture

Postulant

The LJ community was made for this kind of experiments; I'd use the "Other people's stories" for showing off finished or ongoing stories, not ones that are in beta stage...

MeiLin's picture

Most High

...was primarily meant for linkage and light discussion, too; I don't want full-length works posted here, please, though excerpts and small beta is fine.

Pedes's picture

Postulant

That's why I proposed the community; we need more people and one can post a longer pieces there Smile

Who knows, I might be using this part of the forum for the same reason (small beta) sometime later too ;P

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