sooo

inspired by chu, who is brave enough to post up here for community advice, i've decided to debut a poem i've been working on for like...god, 3 years. it's pretty awful, so please, be brutal!

The fire in your eyes
Threatens to consume us both

Here we lay,
Passion's puppets.

Arms and legs,
Our bodies entwined,
Sweat and blood,
Carnality enshrined.

I can't breathe,
And you can't speak.

Burning, twisting,
Whimpers echo off darkened walls.

This flame shall continue
Eternal

Pikachu42's picture

Embodiment

a. i really like this. i pictured it in my head and saw the story played out. b. woo hoo! i'm an inspiration! Jumpeveryone

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

"Arms and legs,
Our bodies entwined,
Sweat and blood,
Carnality enshrined."

I think the last line of that quartet scans funny. I'd try to cut a syllable? "carnal lust enshrined" might flow better, but I'm not sure if that's exactly what you want either. Something seems just a little off-kilter there.

Amy's picture

Supplicant

My only suggestion to make the whole thing flow a lot better is to simply switch these two lines with each other. From...

The fire in your eyes
Threatens to consume us both

Here we lay,
Passion's puppets.

To...

Here we lay,
Passion's puppets.

The fire in your eyes
Threatens to consume us both

Arms and legs,
Our bodies entwined,
Sweat and blood,
Carnality enshrined.

I can't breathe,
And you can't speak.

Burning, twisting,
Whimpers echo off darkened walls.

This flame shall continue
Eternal

Enid's picture

Devotee

taking out the line about the eyes. i can't decide.

Amy's picture

Supplicant

It's a good line. It just needs to not be the opening line. The rest of the poem doesn't support it enough to be the opening words.

If you open with it then you are making this poem about your partner being the total aggressor, making you a happy victim of someone else's lust. Which is good in poetry but the rest of the poem implies very heavily that you are rather enjoying yourself too. By switching the bit about the eyes to the second line you are making it a result of mutual heat & need.

Andyl's picture

Embodiment

I have a grammatical objection - "lay" takes a direct object, so it should be "Here we lie", not "Here we lay".

Enid's picture

Devotee

but i was going for witty double entendre there!

actually i was doing no such thing. thanks Smile

V's picture

Embodiment

Like I told Slagar--I'm not for poetry, but this sounds pretty good. It makes me curious to see where it would go--seems to be the intro to a longer piece about how they got there, etc. If this stands by itself it feels...short, empty?

Enid's picture

Devotee

i wrote. they were all of a similar theme and sort of mean to be presented together, sort of an epic story of lust and obsession. alas, i bit off more than i could chew and the project never got off the ground. the other pieces turned out well enough to stand on their own, but this one here has always bugged me in ways i can never pinpoint. i'm not normally one to edit my poetry, being what my friend calls an 'auto-writer' i get that shit out of my head and onto paper or whatever, and it's done.

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