Comments spot for new prologue
I posted the prologue for the finished book, though it is still subject to change right up until we go to print. I disabled the comments there because they all pertain to earlier versions of the prologue, not to this one. You can comment here on the new prologue.
And yes, this is today's story update.
Posted on 07/07/2009 - 1:47pm
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An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom and Scryer's Gulch by Lynn Siprelle writing as MeiLin Miranda are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions.
Comments
Holy...
... fuck, but you guys (meaning Netta and MeiLin) aren't doing this halfway, are you.
Talk about starting with a bang.
ooo....
The prophecy foretold!!! And yet a cliff hanger from our ebil, ebil, beloved author...
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Holy sh--
I mean wow! I know Harsin has to die for Temmin to take over, just because he doesn't seem the kind of man to abdicate. But to see it like this... See the title.
On a related note, if Teacher is going to give Temmin his history now, would he do so in the remnants of what was obviously a very heated battle? Though you are the professional, and I don't know how I would change it, anyway.
Well done, Most High. Well done. I can't wait to see how the rest of it changes.
This message is brought to you, in part, by a donation from Zandu Ink: Playing God in the lives of fictional characters since 1991.
Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. - Sean Connery, The Rock
=\
Well you have to figure it's a battle for the throne, so once Harsin dies it seems logical that the battle would come to a screeching halt, or at the very least teacher does some showy magic to stop it.
I don't figure that at all
Unless Temmin really turns against Harsin in a manner not strongly foreshadowed, it's much more likely that there is a battle between the monarchy (incl. Temmin and Harsin) and some outside force (rebel, Inchari, etc) and that Harsin falls in the course of battle. It might be a big battle but there could also be a clear winner and loser, and unless they have flares or night-vision goggles I believe the standard practice for state-on-state warfare was to call a halt while it was dark, too.
Wow! Sarcasm! That's original!
the blood
that Temmin tries so hard to wash off suggests that he killed Harsin himself and is feeling conflicted about it. I think Harsin and Temmin come to blows over Harsin's treatment of Ansella or some other woman issue that Teacher has been trying to pound into Temmin.
not necessarily the case
It's entirely plausible that Harsin is on Temmin's side, and Temmin attempted to care for him as he died. That, too, would cover his hands in blood.
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
concurance...
I'm speculating that they grow closer together and that he was doing so because he fought next to his father when he fell in battle.
Little squirt want's to
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
think Macbeth
It's not hard to wash blood off your hands physically, it's hard psychologically. And I think it's hardest when you've drawn the blood yourself. But we shall see...
This castle hath a pleasant seat...
It had been considered. But would Teacher have been as easily summoned if they were not on the same side?
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Yes.
He follows the crown whether he agrees with it or not. Dead by the Prince's hands or not, Temmin's the rightful heir once Harsin dies. I happen to think Harsin probably died in Temmin's arms, rather than by his sword, but it's a valid theory.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
I always thought that Teacher
I always thought that Teacher says it's the day his heart breaks again because each new king finds a way to justify keeping him as Teacher, instead of letting him go.
Also, I echo all of the whoa posts.
I have always
taken it to mean his heart breaks again because he has to recount the story of how he ended up the eternal servant to the kings of Tremont. It involves both him and Maeb and there's some kind of emotional link between the two of them.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Balls out or nothing, baby.
Balls out or nothing, baby. Dat's how we roll.
"Fiction is the truth inside the lie." ~ Stephen King
For stellar editing and web copy, visit www.wordwebbing.com
minor typo...
I saw a minor typo... but other than that... damn!
That's good, the first prologue piqued one's interest, the second was instant insight into the character, but this one I think wins the gold. It grabs your interest without telling you who he is, shows that there is grit and death in this story/world and no one is invincable, that charcters will die. And it makes harsin a bit more of an interesting character, knowing he's doomed will make some people more forgiving of his assishness (and make others root for his death with more zeal). This prologue has more teeth and grabs you by the short and curlies.
(edited to add typo-comment... d'oh)
“Inside you are still you, always have been, and always will be.”
I think there needs to be another 'you' or two in there, and maybe one less comma. It read a little funny to me.
"Inside you are still you, you always have been and you always will be."
I dunno about the commas, but
I dunno about the commas, but I think it's slightly more poetic without the extra yous. I suspect it's *technically* correct either, just my personal tastes.
Supreme Minister of All Livestock
"Use, do not abuse. Neither abstinence nor excess renders man happy." - Voltaire
I think adding a semicolon
I think adding a semicolon somewhere would fix it. "Inside you are still you; always have been, and always will be."
Maybe for you
Semicolon is for joining independent clauses, and the second part would be constructed of not one, but two fragments. ETA: I suppose "You" is implied in both, but that would make the sentence consist of three independent clauses, not one clause and two fragments, so still not a good semicolon candidate.
I honestly don't think it needs any correction and here's why: it's in a quote. It is part of someone's speech. When speech is grammatically incorrect it's called dialect.
*baps you all with a ruler*
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
OTOH
On the other hand, can you see Teacher speaking with anything less than perfect grammar? =P
Supreme Minister of All Livestock
"Use, do not abuse. Neither abstinence nor excess renders man happy." - Voltaire
In which case
It should be three separate sentences, or two sentences with a conjunction joining the two clauses of the second sentence and the first "You" written out instead of implied.
I posit that if that's the way Teacher said it in MeiLin's head, then that's how he'd say it, and so it's still fine the way it is.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
It's true.
Sometimes when I talk, I use semicolons in my head. That's not to say my grammar is perfect or anything, but I do enjoy semicolons.
I enjoy whole colons, if I
I enjoy whole colons, if I can reach.
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
WHOA. Like... whoa. I'm
WHOA. Like... whoa. I'm hooked, split, & fried!
Supreme Minister of All Livestock
"Use, do not abuse. Neither abstinence nor excess renders man happy." - Voltaire
Whoa.
Um... I don't know what to say. Wow.
Clare K. R. Miller, author of Chatoyant College
http://clarekrmiller.digitalnovelists.com
whoooa. Just whoooa. Even
whoooa. Just whoooa. Even though I hate Harsin, it still made me feel a little shocked and slightly saddened.
On the other hand, I'm now thinking that quite possibly Jenks dies. Which would be the equivalent of
.
Picking away at the moments that make up a dull day - Pink Floyd.
say it ain't so....
NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Actually...
I'm starting to think it may be Ellika. If Harsin dies in battle, and we know she leads some kind of charge, maybe she has to die as the rebel leader.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
way the fuck out there...
especially if she marries Bern in secret...
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
It occurs to me...
That this whole thread contains spoilers and I can't put a tag on my post now, thanks to TB.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
ironically, Raigne, you've
ironically, Raigne, you've cut me off from covering up my spoiler.
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
lucked out...
Well then it's a good thing for you two that the thread to comment on the new prologue is not on the same thread as the new prologue..
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
nonetheless, when folks who
nonetheless, when folks who get invited in to proof the new prologue come over to comment, they may discover some shit...that may change profoundly anyway in rewrites...
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
Good call.
I still feel guilty though.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Hmmm
Every other time we've seen this scene, it has always been at Temmin's coronation. I get the feeling hat we now see it on a bloody battle field is significant in someway we'll never think of. Intriguing start, much improved.
Sex, gays, and violence--Dead Boyfriend by yours truly. Volume One finished!
Wow.
Bad-ass.
100%.
Fuckin' Sweet.
All of these...it doesn't give too much away, but it seriously grabs you.
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
Wowzers!
That's all I have to say, or not say.... I think I like it.
"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." - Mark Twain
Very nice
This is . . . intense. I'm even more anxious for the story to reach that point now.
I can't wait to see the finished product!
Go, Mei, GO! 
Jeez...
way to slap me in the face! i don't know what i was expecting, but it wasn't that. GOOD JOB MEI! just one small thing, and this is just me. does teacher have to say, "this is the day my heart breaks?" it doesn't seem to fit, imo. i think it raises a lot of questions.
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined efforts of everybody I've ever known. -Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
angelsdescendants.wordpress.com/
emotionalcutter.wordpress.com/
I think
A prologue is supposed to raise questions. This is meant to be a hook.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
I can understand that..
and i just didn't have another way to put it. it's not that it raises questions, that one line just doesn't sit well with me. it hasn't since the original prologue.
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined efforts of everybody I've ever known. -Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
angelsdescendants.wordpress.com/
emotionalcutter.wordpress.com/
I love that line
Mostly because of the questions it raises. Wait, what? This guy is the trusted advisor, fine. The old king died--yup, people die. Now he's in front of the new king. Wait, *NOW* his heart is going to break again? It didn't break when the old king died? Hmm, this intrigues me...what is about to happen? I must know!
Wow! Sarcasm! That's original!
I have this feeling....
...that Meilin is ebil-laughing at all of us. = P
I won't settle that Harsin's dead until we can figure out the location of the battle, and whether or not it's still a part of Tremont.
I agree with the above,
but since everyone else has pretty much covered the praise section, I'm going to be a little bit critical. I think this is maybe taking things a little too far. I'm all for cliffhangers, and I know that ebil Mei is ebil, but it irritates the crap out of me when I buy the first book in the series and I have to read ten books to find out what happens in the opening scene. Half the time something happens that makes the author stop writing before you get to the planned tenth book. I'm not saying that's what's going to happen here, but if I have to read ten books to find out what happens next, well, that's kind of annoying.
I do think this is a great opening, and I do think it really grabs you. We're already on the third book, however, and we're obviously building up to these events, but it's written as though you're going to turn the page and the story is going to continue. What makes this a great cliffhanger is that it brings up a lot of questions that the reader wants answered. Not one of those questions will be answered in the following book. It's like those movie trailers that make a movie seem positive and uplifting, and then the actual movie donkey-punches you and steals your kidneys: it's almost kind of misleading.
Maybe that's a complaint about the series as a whole. If the focus of the story were mostly on the story-in-story tales that Temmin reads in The Book, it would feel more like these are actually separate books. The real focus of the story, however, has been on Temmin the whole time with the stories serving partially as interesting interludes, but mostly as a means to his education. Despite this, almost nothing wraps up a book as a whole in the main plot (except for this most recent book), and the end-of-book division is murky. I'm tempted to say the prologue should focus on hooking the reader on what is going to happen in A Tale of Two Kingdoms, and leave future books alone. This prologue does do a great job of piquing the reader's interest in the characters and making them wonder what happens to them from the start. I just think it's a little too much to lead the reader on like that. The only way this makes sense is if you make this whole series into one book that's divided into "books", but published in the same tome (like in the Once and Future King, for example). I have no idea how practical that is, given the length of the book(
, and I'm guessing it doesn't fit with your plans to sell the books as individual novels, etc., since at this rate it's going to take you three or four more years to finish ten books, but I think that's the only way it's not cruel and unusual punishment to start off with something like this.
Another minor point is that you're going to hook readers who want fierce battles and massive bloodshed and other Braveheart-like qualities in a book, and are going to be bored by a Victorian romance novel with feminist undertones and a little bit of magic, no matter how good it is. On the other hand, you may lose people who want exactly that: a Victorian romance novel with feminist undertones and magic. Please don't think I'm down playing your work, because I absolutely love it. For the latter group of people, your work is going to be the best thing they've ever read. It's just a little different from what is advertised in that prologue.
A few folks may like both of
A few folks may like both of those book-types.
I am one.
Nonetheless, I acknowledge the general value of this comment.
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
response
Whoa, pardner! I never said it was going to be ten books. (edit: did I? yoiks. no. it may take a lot less.) I honestly have no idea how many books it's going to take to tell this story. The way the editing is going, it may be fewer than you think, or even I thought.
The only thing that's going to stop me is my death. And I have already left instructions to tell you guys what ultimately happens if I die before I'm done. Seriously. I don't think you guys realize how committed I am to this.
eheheheheh.
yeah.
maybe.
You said it, sister! That's why I'm rewriting this sucker!
The resulting books will feel MUCH more like distinct books, and whatever you think you know about the books as they stand, you're going to be very surprised with the changes in store. I am not just tinkering with the words in the books as they stand, one by one by one. I am tearing them apart and remaking them. Some parts of one book may end up in another. Stories may not end up in the same order they are now. One thing I'm going to strive mightily to do is feed back into that opening scene throughout the series.
Yeah. I'm working on that. I think I can have both peanut butter AND chocolate. Because I love peanut butter cups. anyway...
Thank you as always for your awesome critiques. I totally mean that.
Hate to be morbid...
...but thank you so much for thinking about us like that! Especially with the number of high-profile deaths lately, it just destroys me when people leave behind work unfinished. Especially authors who were in the middle of books or serieses. I want to send you a great be e-hug and lots of thanks.
Part of my meta-reality relies on infinite possibility--that anything could happen and has likely happened already in some way, somewhere. So when stories go unfinished, it feels like a whole universe literally blipping out of existence to me.
Oh, thanks Gods
Part of my meta-reality relies on infinite possibility--that anything could happen and has likely happened already in some way, somewhere.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks so.
She already died once. Next
She already died once. Next time she'll have a little more prepared for the ones she leaves behind.
I don't know about ten...
... precisely, but IIRC, the number of possible titles you threw around at one point (Magic Arror, War of Brothers etc.) brought it up to at least seven or so, and quite possibly ten or more.
yeah.
maybe.
Ebil MeiLin is ebil. Ebilebilebil.
uh-huh....
Yes, she certainly is. But we already knew that.
Maybe because we've been telling her so much of late what a wonderful writer she is and not so much reminding her of the ebilness that she felt the need to accentuate the point..
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Ouch.
My anticipation bone just broke. I'm tripping balls right now.
*gigglesnortin'*
*gigglesnortin'*
"Fiction is the truth inside the lie." ~ Stephen King
For stellar editing and web copy, visit www.wordwebbing.com
hmmm...
I think it's an interesting hook, but I'm wondering if people who haven't read the rest will be able to follow this intro. I was confused at points and had to go back and sort it out. If it's too much work and there are too many unanswered questions, new readers may give up. Have you tried it on anyone brand new?
I'm sure you're planning to work the Temmin/Alvo/Mattie thing back in, somewhere. Right? Cause I like that stuff.
I feel like I have whiplash
but, yano, in a good way
I wonder if the confusion doesn't come more with having read the story to this point and trying to fit the new prologue into your ideas of the characters. A person coming in with no previous knowledge of Temmin and Teacher would probably not have much of a problem reading through this.
Whether or not it raises too many unanswered questions...I dunno. Personally, I don't think so. But I'm a fan of expended epics, so I have no problem waiting 5-10 books to come back to the events in the original prologue. Obviously, not everyone is going to feel like this. To me, it seems perfectly natural that after the prologue we would go back ten years and read the story of how Temmin got to this point. *shrug*
And, second to living forever, I think death in battle would be Harsin's ideal. But now I'm just worried about who/why they were fighting. A battle for succession doesn't seem as likely with Teacher's words about mourning Harsin and wishing he could save him. Of course, they don't rule it out, either...
oh, yes
This is meant as just a quick lightning strike prologue. I'm re-writing the Temmin/Alvo/Mattie scene right now. It's a little different.
HOLY KOLKERS ! ! !
I read this out loud to give myself the full dramatic effect, & my mother who has always turned her nose up at the whole reading an e-novel thing, popped her head out of the kitchen & declared that when I'm done she gets it next.
Had to tell her I don't have the book yet that this is the trailer & was reading. She's now pouting into her spaghetti sauce.
I like the changes, much more powerful. Temmin's whole Tell Me Now instead of waiting for his coronation makes sense to me. After losing two people to death in rapid succession I would not want to wait for answers any longer either.
On a side note: Yes knowing what you intended after you pass would be nice, but I prefer if you stay healthy & keep writing. So ... LONG LIVE MEILIN!!
Anything that kills your inner-song is always going to be bad for you. - Personal Wisdom
hear, hear
Huzzah!
No more dying allowed, MeiLin =P At least, not until you've finished the History and gotten some of your other stories out there as well. That should take several decades or so, right?
Supreme Minister of All Livestock
"Use, do not abuse. Neither abstinence nor excess renders man happy." - Voltaire
The writing of the prologue
The writing of the prologue feels very... pure, like you found the right words at the right place. I like it a lot.
That being said, I think you should ask people who never read the History about it (if you still have some of those...). I liked it a lot because I already know the story; I honestly wonder how it would seem to a "newbie".
With this new version, you start with a very grown-up and mature Temmin (more than in the previous coronation scene I think), whereas with the Temmin/Alvo bit you started with an obviously flawed teen. The perspective for a new reader will be totally different. Maybe it is nice to have the hero not seem like a jerk in the first lines
For new readers
I re-read this again today, and I wonder if the references to Brothers, Sisters, Mother, Lovers, etc. would confuse new readers who don't have any inkling of the temple and religious infrastructure of Tremont and would think that people's actual families and significant others came out to tend the wounded in battle. We sort of accept it having seen a good amount of the clergy running around, but especially since this is the prologue it's likely to confuse new readers.
I don't know about that
Often times, as a new reader I get hooked by unusual capitalization when the context implies that they have a whole different meaning. But I can only speak for myself on this. On the subject of new readers, I think it would be key to get a lot of new reader's opinions on this prologue. After all, to us veteran folks, this prologue is gold, partially because it reveals a whole new thing to us. A new reader, on the other hand, may not understand how exciting it is. *goes to find friends*
that's kinda what I was going for
Capitalization implies title rather than simple word, I hoped.
Meaningful caps hook me too
but repetition bores me, as does a whole list of things that are clearly supposed to mean *something* when that explanation is delayed for too long. I like the idea, but if you don't have to list half or all the religions in one shot, don't. Caps are good but Chekov's Gun applies and the fuse is somewhat shorter.
ETA: Pet peeve! "changed from battle dress and once again in the severe black suit and robes Teacher always wore." If it's *always* why'd he have to change? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Wow! Sarcasm! That's original!
Because his battle dress
Because his battle dress covered it...frilly skirts, corset, and all. (I still support the Oxford comma.)
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
because battle dress is extra special?
And thus exempt from "always?"
Nearly always, almost always, practically always,
basically always, "that were almost synonymous with"...
I concede that they might have been worn *under* the battle dress but it doesn't seem to read that way.
Wow! Sarcasm! That's original!
his (customary or familiar)
his (customary or familiar) attire...&c.&c.
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
familiar
That's better anyway. My brain is so full of mush these days that I have to consult a thesaurus not to find a better word but to find the word I wanted in the first place...
Concerning New readers
As I said my mother only know that I read an online novel that is still in the draft phase. That's it nothing else does she know or care to know. But when I read Out Loud the new Prologue, she wanted to be able to read the book ASAP, & was disappointed that I did not have an actual dead tree in my hands.
My mom is hooked & just waiting for the killing of the tree. She doesn't get the references & just thinks that the Brothers, Sisters, Mothers & Lovers are just that brothers sisters lovers & mothers, who are in a society where the needed strength to aid someone in finding the final peace is the norm. Like Japan's Sepiku ritual second who beheads the one disemboweling himself. that other family members then bury the remains. She's in for a few treats when she slowly learns the truth IMO.
Anything that kills your inner-song is always going to be bad for you. - Personal Wisdom
If you read it outloud
then it lost the capitalization. Would she have picked up additional significance if she'd read it herself, I wonder.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
not a fan..
I asked a friend of mine to read the new prologue. The capitalization didn't make sence to her and she said it was a turn off...
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
the CAPITALIZATION was a turn off?
Wow, that's a new one! OK, I'll think on that.
noob reviews...
I wasn't going to post it because someone else had. But it was because she didn't know/realize that they were titles. To her it was random capitalizations.
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
wow
People randomly capitalize Things? wow. Who Knew!
I'll see if I can Figure out Something Else if need Be.
that'S thE spiriT...
i knEw yoU wouLdn't lEt it get tOo You.
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
tHats iNsAne
Whenever I see a capitalized word I assume it means Something More. (Unless it's in German XD).
Because why not?! #Oh, look, a webcomic!#
thoughts...
i had read this yesterday morning during a quick perusal of my nets, and then gone to bed. as sometimes happens, i had a dream related to what was most recently on my mind before sleep, and dreamt of the Intimate History. in my dream, the History had been completed to some mid-point where Harsin sacrificed himself for Temmin's sake, and so my dream self was wondering how Harsin could die in some future battle when he was already dead. no, i have no explanation for my dreams, i'm just there for the ride.
anyway, i'm with the camp that believes Harsin and Temmin are fighting together against some mystery aggressor, my money lying on Najin. i'm thinking Harsin becomes mortally wounded, and dies in Temmin's arms. Teacher's presence would seem to indicate Tremont is invaded, unless i'm wrong in thinking it was established Teacher can only travel within the sovereign borders of Tremont.
i want to express my agreement with kawaiikune as to the potentially misleading nature of the prologue as it stands. reading this newest prologue, one could easily believe the book(s ) would involve epic battles, or even a full-blown war, when, through the three books related thus far, there has been but two battles and a sword skirmish, all of which were reviewed as history and thus have no continuity with the battle depicted in the prologue. there is nothing to indicate the growth and/or education of Temmin, which appears to be the over-arching story being told, nor is there anything preparing the reader for the, err, "sex happens" nature of many of Temmin's lessons.
of course, what we've seen of the story thus far is a rough draft, and the rewrite is underway, so my concern may well become moot in the final version.
Some people bring joy wherever they go, others, whenever they go.
Some people would call me astute, others, ass toot.
Harsin Dies in the First Scene
Hmm. Now that we know that Harsin dies when Temmin becomes king, I wonder if future readers will have trouble getting attached to Harsin.
Before I played FF7 I found out Aerith died. I didn't want to grieve some stupid pink girl. I hated her and set Cloud up with Tifa at every opportunity when I played the game.
At this point in time
I can think of only one reader who has an attachment to Harsin. That would be fairnymph. The rest of us are, I think, ambivalent at best and loath him at worst, but I could be wrong and there's probably a few other people.
Also, even if Harsin wasn't going to die in battle, Generally the heir becomes king upon the death of his father. The death is just usually due to old age.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
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It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Exactly
We've known since prologue 1.0 that Harsin dies 10 years after the beginning of the book proper. We just assumed it would be of old age, or more natural causes than have been shown to us now. Now we see the truth of it, but we still don't know by whose hand and why.
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Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. - Sean Connery, The Rock
Just a minute
Was Temmin's age mentioned in the first prologue? We also don't know for sure Harsin's dead at that point do we? He could have abdicated.
Incidentally, the part where Temmin gets the book could help to show that this world has magic, since people above were concerned about the lack of that. Also, indicating Teacher stepping through a mirror (since I assume that's where he came from) would help. Like if it was still swirling or him speaking as he emerges or something.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
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It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
The old prologue...
... didn't mention Temmin's age, but mentioned that Temmin had been Teacher's pupil for ten years together with the calendar year (1000 KY). The first chapter again had the year (990 KY) as well as Temmin's age (16) only a couple of pages in.
Wrong
I didn't find many things to respect in some of the characters, say, Hildin, but I can find a lot of things to respect about Harsin. There's also plenty of things I dislike about him, but strong positives and strong negatives do not cancel out to zero in a situation like this.
I didn't expect Harsin to die of old age in a decade (we knew the time frame) and I didn't expect him to abdicate, so in the back of my head I figured he'd die. It just wasn't a welcome thought to have pulled into the forefront.
Wow! Sarcasm! That's original!
To me
the negatives are currently a lot stronger than the positives. But like I said, there are probably others.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
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It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
I respect the hell out of
I respect the hell out of him.
Like? I go back and forth--more like than not.
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
Hard for me to even respect him.
I know most people find some redeeming qualities about him, but I haven't seen a whole lot of comments that are overwhelmingly positive.
I am incredibly biased against people with his personality after having been raised by one. Of course, my step-father also likes to drink and he's a mean drunk, and Harsin hasn't displayed that particular characteristic, so there's one positive way he differs.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
------
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Bam!
This is far and away my favorite incarnation on the prologue. I think it does a great job of projecting the drama and scope of the setting, and the hints of the prophecies and culture just add to the depth of it.
There's just enough of everything to be intriguing, and I think that is the real job of this sort of prologue. I like the Alvo/Mattie backstory as it applies to Temmin's character building but something about it seemed off when put in the position of the prologue. It just didn't feel as representative of the overall story as this scene did.
Even if this isn't the final version, I definitely enjoyed this very much.
I like it MUCH more than any
I like it MUCH more than any previous revisions & find it perfectly acceptable, but I still like the very first prologue best.
"It's FAIR NYMPH, fuckwads, only ONE y."
http://fairnymph.livejournal.com/
valet...
Knowing that Jenks is Tem's Valet and body guard, wouldn't he also be his batman? Is it far enough along that Jenks has retired or with his experiance and rank (COL) is he more of an advisor and aide de camp? Or because of his position is he still back at the keep? Or something else?
PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals
A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Man...
I read that as "Wouldn't Temmin be Jenk's Batman?" before realizing it wasn't capitalized and meant the military term.
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
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It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
If Jenks is Temmin's batman,
If Jenks is Temmin's batman, is Temmin Jenks' robin?
It's supposed to be a challenge, that's why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.
--Road Trip
"Funny. Terrible, but funny." (that's typically my aim)
-NorthwoodsMan
No no no.
Temmin is Batman, Jenks is Alfred.
ETA: Fen is Robin? O.o;
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -Arthur Conan Doyle
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It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Someone may have stated this
Someone may have stated this (I am to lazy to read every comment), but I think combining this with the old prologue would be excellent. Harsin dies and all of this prologue happens, except Teacher tells his story back at the castle with the book like we saw in the old one.
(And where are you going to put Temmin's little "event" with his half-sister that you had up for a while?)
Keeper of The Sword that was defeated by The Pen
"And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." — Judges 1:19 (They most likely had Teacher as well)
chapter one of the new book
working on it now--well, chapter one is done, now on to chapter two. Chapters are looking to be longer and containing more action; things are being slimmed down a great deal as well.
Trimming
Trimming the fat are we?
Just don't take away to much of the good stuff we all love.
Keeper of The Sword that was defeated by The Pen
"And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." — Judges 1:19 (They most likely had Teacher as well)
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