Break-Ups

The Girlfriend and I just decided it would best if we give each other space and take a break.

I'm not currently sure how I'm handling it, but I wanted to get a thread started since I don't remember reading a break-up thread on here.

Tell your best. Your worst. Your happiest. Your saddest. Those you still regret. Those you wish you'd been smarter to deal with before you did.

Who breaks up with whom (in traditional boy/girl couplings)?

And does it ever truly stop hurting?

ETA: I have just created what I assume to be the 1500th "thread" on the site, since this is labeled as node 1500 in the URL.

Forums: 
TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

One friend of mine started dating a girl at the start of summer.
He was going to university in the Fall.
At the start of the summer, they decided, with university and all, that "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Comes August, and she asks what the deal is.
"I think I'm gonna cross that bridge solo."

As for me, I've dumped, been dumped, had things dissolve...

The hardest thing is being fond of someone, but knowing you can't keep dating.

NorthwoodsMan's picture

Embodiment

In HS I dated this girl that lived about two blocks away. She was two years a head of me in school and I thought it would be over when she went to college. It wasn't. She didn't even make it one semester. About a year later, she wasn't going anywhere and I was leaving for college.

About a year after she came home from college, November before I graduated, I broke up with her. She decided to follow me home and then stuck her head in the door as I was closing it. Yes, you read that correctly. Not her foot, her head. Of course the door was closed on her head. And then she started hollaring for my mom. Thought she was only slightly on the crazy side before that.

Couple days later she came back and acknowleged the break up but wanted to know if we could still be friends. I foolishly agreed. Thought, what the hell, I'm not seeing anyone, don't have anyone I'm looking to ask out. So we hung out ocassionally.

She didn't follow me to college in that she applied or moved to the same area. But she was constantly calling or having an excuse for being in the area.

Fast forward a couple years. I'm hanging out and having a couple with some old friends. She makes her way though the crowd and was start chatting, catching up, etc. Bar time and I'm heading out. About half way to my truck I discover that she's following me. Despite having just told her that I'm married and have two girls, she's trying to get me to go back to her place and jump in the sack. She asked straight out, wanna go have sex? Kept saying how she lives alone, is on the pill so we wouldn't have to use a rain coat, and on and on. Again, I decline. Offer to walk her to her car but now she's all dejected and telling me that she parked in the opposite direction.

Ya, so comming up on the fifteen year reunion, I haven't seen or talk to her since then, but I'm pretty sure she's still single.

Amy's picture

Supplicant

Didn't try and kill you on several different occasions like mine did.

Over a 20 period of time this HS boyfriend of mine has returned to my life just long enough to turn it on it's ear. It never mattered to him if I was with someone or not. As soon as an order of protection wore off & the judge refused to humour the "paranoid girl" & grant her a new one "just to make sure he stays away" or to give her power when he does return.

2 years ago he showed up with a gun held it to my head & only the fact that I had called 911 when I heard someone breaking into my house saved my life. He then got bail, tried to skip the country, waived a gun at border patrol & thankfully is now in prison. Still despite the No Contact Order he still finds ways of letting me know he's still "thinks of me with love."

Marri's picture

Supplicant

I'm so sorry! I'm glad he's safely away now, though. -hugs to protect against the crazy-

Amy's picture

Supplicant

Hugs are always good things. Mace & Flails are good for protection. :biglol:

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

I made the mistake of going back out with someone who'd already broken up with me, also knowing that he'd sorta dated a mutual friend in the meantime which he did NOT tell me about (found out from the mutual friend). Y'all probably already guessed that he broke up with me again.

The fun part is that break-up was early October, and by late November I was dating another young man (the one that became the husband). I had minimal communication with the gentleman that dumped me, but then he called me out of the blue between Christmas and New Years, and started making "the holidays are making me think about the past year; you're one I shouldn't have let get away" noises. I didn't feel at all bad about shutting that down right quick. }:)

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

But does it ever truly stop hurting? Yes. Maybe I am odd, or maybe I wasn't really in love, but it did for me. I am still interested in knowing what's going on with my exes, but I'm a long way away from crying over them or getting depressed or nostalgic. Recently one of them (and my only long-term relationship) was dumped by the girl he was planning on asking to marry him. We hadn't really spoken a whole lot over the last two years, but he was looking for someone to talk to and I was there. He mentioned maybe spending time together and apologized for how we broke up, and said that after having been with romantic but crazy people he had new respect for my down-to-earth, sedated approach to relationships, and started glossing over my own neurosis.

I wasn't interested in being a rebound, and more to the point, I wasn't interested in him anymore. This guy took me over a year to stop thinking about everyday and crying over once a month. So it does stop hurting eventually.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

I hear ya. I'm very much a bridge-burner, myself. Granted, I'm not good at/not interested in maintaining a whole lot of relationships anyway, so why would I waste what little extroverted energy and correspondence effort on an ex?

The Which's picture

Embodiment

I can only handle a few close friends at a time--why would I want one of those to be someone I broke up with/broke up with me?

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

The "friends with exes" thing really confused my mom and her sister.

My explanation of why it works for me is...perhaps a little odd, and predicated on a relatively non-serious relationship.

-there are reasons that you dated that person
-those reasons don't typically go away as a result of the breakup.

I am a raging extrovert, so I like having lots of friends, so obviously others MMV.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

Understandable. Just very YMMV indeed.

Kittae's picture

Postulant

MMV? YMMV?

I feel like I'm missing something very obvious. = P

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Your Mileage May Vary.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

I wasn't interested in him romantically. I couldn't tell you why not. He's got a steady job in the field he wants to work in, makes almost 40k a year and he's only 23. We have plenty in common and can have a good conversation about most anything. We have similar beliefs. One thing that hasn't changed about him is that he is very goal oriented, and work comes before everything else in his life. That didn't bother me, because I'm a loner, and I very much do not want to be the center of anyone's world. Just not interested in the relationship, even if it weren't a rebound thing.

I still like having him as a friend though.

blwinteler's picture

Supplicant

I was engaged in college. He accused me of cheating on him. The breakup was messy, long, and painful. Ultimately, he moved back to another state, where his parents had moved. Met a woman and got engaged quickly. Seriously, their wedding was in June and they met in February. The wedding was 2 days before my birthday, one month earlier than the date he and I had set. I was invited. David (now my husband, with whom I have an even longer history) and I went. I met the bride to be and her family and immediately knew something was really off. I attributed it to jealousy. Then I saw the wedding cake, topped with a little statuette of one mouse proposing to the other. The very same statuette he gave me when he proposed. The whole cake was decorated around it. I was so hurt. That hurt feeling didn't help my impression of his new wife.
Turns out she was a complete nut. Makes me look sane. He and I have been friends since (though we have only talked online and on the phone), while she is now mostly out of his life, but for their two kids. He is happily married to someone else now, and I am glad for it. I do still love him, and I still hurt sometimes, but I know we weren't meant to stay together as more than friends and I am with the man I'm supposed to be with.

Oh, out of spite, I made a dress to wear to the wedding. Black velvet, high collar with bare back and sheer from the neck to the top of the bust, slit up to mid-thigh, worn with 5" patent leather heels to a conservative Mormon wedding. I looked great Smile

Marri's picture

Supplicant

That sounds like a GORGEOUS dress. Even better because of the setting Biggrin

I was also engaged in college, to the boy I'd been dating since freshman year of high school. We broke up the summer after freshman year of college. I'm sure it CAN work. Somewhere. Maybe. It's just insanely hard.

blwinteler's picture

Supplicant

David, my husband, was my high school sweetheart. Long distance didn't work for us, and we were apart for three years, during which I had many boyfriends and flings and ended up engaged. He went into the Marines, got dehydrated, passed out, was sent to Navy docs who messed up a spinal tap and sent him home. He came to Colorado to find me, and we have been together since. Now married 10 years, been through hell and back. So, high school love can work out in the end.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

ditto. My husband was the grade behind me; we met my senior year/his junior year (yay horrible AP Physics class!) and we started being friends and "noticing" each other then, but end of other relationships sorta got in the way. We didn't actually start dating until I was a freshman in college, but he was still just 17 and a senior in high school. Four years of long distance throughout college (we both came back to the same hometown for breaks, though), then a year of getting jobs sorted out, and then we got to start our happily ever after.

It did help that while we were high school sweethearts, we weren't each other's first crushes ever. Waiting until we'd gotten a lot of growing up done in college to tie the knot was also really really good. I'd be more doubtful of a relationship that was first-and-only one that turned into marriage the month after HS graduation...

Marri's picture

Supplicant

He does not need ANY more encouragement. He needs to get over me Biggrin

Capriox wrote:
I'd be more doubtful of a relationship that was first-and-only one that turned into marriage the month after HS graduation...

I was too. Probably why I was the one to do the breaking up.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

I personally know a couple who were their one-and-onlies in high school. They married the week after graduation. They had kids, now grown with children of their own. They've been married 30+ years and are quite happy.

My experience in general: You pays your money and you takes your chances. You can get married after 3 days or 3 years and you have the same chances of making it work. I told Sir I loved him 3 days after we met, and he told me he loved me too. 17 years later, we're still in love.

Who knows. As Geoffrey Rush kept saying in Shakespeare in love, "It's a mys-try!"

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

I absolutely agree with ML. I've seen couples that knew they were meant for each other almost instantly (I was like that with my husband, well, within weeks we were talking marriage), high school sweethearts and similar, and they can do VERY well. I don't think there's any set magical time period.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

I don't disagree with you, or with what MeiLin said just above. My point was more that it's easier to turn love into a lasting, good relationship if those involved have a certain level of maturity, self-awareness, and self-respect. High school first loves are less likely to have that simply because the people involved have had so little time yet to develop those things. Also, the adolescent angst factor and high likelihood of long distance during college years are not helpful Wink

So very glad those days are behind me!

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

that's definitely true. Also, while there may be special cases, statistics show that people who get married when they're older are less likely to divorce.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... was: Well, duh. They have less time in which to get a divorce. }:)

Anonymouse's picture

Capriox wrote:
I'd be more doubtful of a relationship that was first-and-only one that turned into marriage the month after HS graduation...

This was me. First relationship, lasted all the way through college and beyond. Broke down just recently, though perhaps it lasted five years longer than it should have. I ended it, and it has surprised me just how little time it seems to have taken for my life to settle.

It still hurts me to see him hurt, though. I'd be willing to settle into a 'just friends' state, but I'm not sure that's right for him. I have to be really cold to him sometimes, and that hurts too.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

My sympathies =/

If you haven't tried it already, a set period of non-communication (one month, two?) might make friendly conversation in the future easier by giving you a break from each other now while things are still so tender.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

That's freakily obsessive. Sad

I am so disturbed by people who 'take out' their bitterness/regret with an ex on a new partner. It's not fair at all. Thank god everything worked out okay, from the sounds of it.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

blwinteler wrote:
Oh, out of spite, I made a dress to wear to the wedding. Black velvet, high collar with bare back and sheer from the neck to the top of the bust, slit up to mid-thigh, worn with 5" patent leather heels to a conservative Mormon wedding. I looked great :)

You don't happen to have any pics, do you? }:)

Oddfish's picture

Postulant

I don't really regret any of my break-ups. There was one guy who just sort of drifted away from me, and I wonder what he's up to, but not in any romantic sense. He was just nice, and he was having a pretty difficult time when we drifted (working three jobs, supporting younger siblings, no money for phone bills, etc), and I hope he's doing well now. Even him I rarely think about, though; usually only when I'm talking about past relationships.

The others, eh, we needed to be apart. A couple of them were tough, but I honestly have no regrets now. I don't even hate them now, it's just...eh. We were unhappy, at least toward the end, and as bad as I felt, I was certainly better off alone. I think that's my key to starting the moving-on process: I had been unhappy, and who the hell wants to continue being unhappy? That and I find being single to be pretty free and easy, so I don't mind it overmuch.

Also, part of it is that I'm happy in my current relationship. I look at where I am now and how I got here, and I'm certain it was worth dealing with all the lamers and making my stupid mistakes. I'm smarter now, and I've found someone who is not inexpressibly full of it. Peachy freakin' keen, I'd say.

thedisquietedpen's picture

Postulant

And I found it.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Mr Gaiman divorced a bit ago, which was sad; those things are hard. Even mine was hard, though he hated me and I was well rid of him.

Recently, however, Mr Gaiman acquired a new girlfriend. (Amanda Palmer, who is apparently everywhere these days and is cooler than Mr Gaiman if some people are to be believed, including Mr Gaiman. Ah, love.) For some reason, this really depressed me! I mean, not like "zomg where's the bridge, where's the bottle of sleeping pills, when's the next flight to wherever so I can stalk him," but kinda "Awwww! dang it! I don't wanna hear about stupid Amanda Palmer!" I was like the groupies in Dr Horrible: "We have a problem with her."

Because me and Mr Gaiman. Any day now. shyeah. :rolleyes:

Isn't that silly? But I'm over it, honest. Any day now. :biglol:

The Which's picture
Wren's picture
Amiable Hummingbird's picture
MeiLin's picture

Most High

I had so few guys I could actually call "boyfriends." Two, in fact, and come to think on it, I broke up with both of them.

One was my ex-husband. I gave him two weeks to finish the semester, pack up his stuff and go home (halfway across the country, yay!). Haven't seen him since, though I got regular drunken phone calls asking me to let him "come home" (I told him he WAS home). He proposed to someone else the week our divorce was final; he'd been courting her the entire time he was trying to get me back. I sometimes wonder what would have happened to that poor girl if I'd said, "Sure, I'm stupid, come back and treat me like crap some more!" Then she'd be here telling a bad breakup story, no doubt. No idea whether they're still together; mildly curious but not enough to try to find out.

The other guy, it had been six months and by then you know whether it's going to work longterm or not. It wasn't going to, big time; there wasn't anything terrible about him (that was husband #1), but that's not enough. I was busy, he was bugging me, and I said, I'll call you when I'm not so busy. Strangely, I'm still busy. (Bad Mei. Really. It was a shitty thing to do.) He came by the house after Sir and I had gotten together, and it was a polite but strained visit; I think he was hoping for a booty call. Sir was really bristly. It was kinda cute. Smile

The Which's picture

Embodiment

I broke up with an awesome, funny, intellegent, good-looking guy who was great in bed because he said he loved me.

I showed up at his apartment a week later, drunk, crying, I love you too... He was a gentleman, took me back, sobered me up, and generally handled it very well.

The next morning, as he was telling me how happy he was that I came by, I told him to forget it ever happened.

Oh my god, I was such a bitch. My 18-year-old self had some issues.

ETA: He was a little older--24 at the time--and we'd been dating a few months. At the time I was convinced he was "totally clingy," but I'm pretty sure he was just a good guy who liked me, for whatever crazy reason.

Kittae's picture

Postulant

There's a comedian routine out on this subject... I can't for the life of me think of her name, but she refers to these kinds of guys as "tissues"--we use them up and throw them away...Then we hit the bottom of the box and try and find one that's not all used up yet. "Where the one who was too nice? Where's the one who liked me too much?" = P

I feel ya.

Wren's picture

Petitioner

or at least am healing at a decent pace.

I have always hated on-again-off-again relationships and the people who have them. But Pete and I ended up being that couple.
For several reasons though.

I met him in second year on st. patricks day. He was a friend of one of my room-mates and I brought him back to my place and we went wild. Started off casual, I was even seeing someone else casually at the time and both knew about the other, but then it got more serious. We went out for nearly a year, but I broke up with him the DAY before our 1 year mark because I am somewhat of a commitmentaphobe.

We stayed friends, eventually developed the benefits even (bad me, bad!). I spent most of the summer at school in Ontario, but when I flew home for a friend's wedding home in BC, I hooked up with this other guy. It was loud and drunk, everyone at the wedding knew what happened, especially as the room was next to the grooms grandmother (blush to death). So it was a funny story, and it came out when I was talking to my roommate and Pete was there. Pete freaks out, tells me how much he loves me and wants me back, and that he can't be "just friends". I can't imagine being my life in Ontario without him (my school life and life back home were completely seperate in my mind) so we get back together. This was May.

We break up again in september when I start expressing my interest in polyamory and stuff (I did a 10 page paper supporting it and exploring it for a sociology/family forms class). He couldn't handle that I was even interested in it.
This time he calls me names both to my face, calling me at odd hours, directly on my facebook wall. He basically does everything he can to make my life hell and I had to block him from facebook, phone, e-mail, you name it. He was not a happy person at the time.

We don't talk for months, then one day in december he contacts me and tell me he has been through a real shit time and needs a friend. I say "ok, but nothing more, and I really can't trust you not to freak out on me." he promises to behave. we start hanging out every couple weeks, things are alright.
One drunken tequila night (bad idea I know), he come out and confesses how much he loves me (again) and claims that he doesn't care if I need to be with anyone else, but he wants to be with me! I cry lots, I know I shouldn't but after many a sob and hour(s) I agree. but I make him understand that he has to earn me back his trust, including quitting smoking so I can see he is serious about wanting to be with me long term.

things are FANTASTIC! I am not seeing other people, because I know that even though he has said so, he was not ready for anything like that. I finish school. I move back home. he helps me pack and everything and I fly off thinking I will see him again soon (am flying back to ontario for my convocation tomorrow and was going to stay with him for a whole week) and his promise that he would start really saving so that he would be able to move out with me to vancouver sometime in the fall.

Two weeks into my being home (that would be mid May 2009) I suddenly can't reach him on his phone. he is not calling me back, not picking up, not answering e-mails. I think he has done something stupid and gotten hurt. Finally he send me drunken texts talking about how he has been literally drunk for an entire week and he misses me so and thinks I have abandoned him. He still won't call me or answer when I call, but I manage to get him on facebook chat at least where he proceeds to tell me how he always wanted me to stay in Windsor (in ontario, across the bridge from detroit. shitty town aside from the Uni) and marry him and live there the rest of my life. He always knew I wanted to do theatre, there is no theatre or even film in Windsor! I would have no life of my own if I stayed there! I love Vancouver, where i grew up!
Then he starts asking how many people I have fucked since coming home (his words, not mine) and proceeds to calling me a whore because I am not monogamous (but I have NEVER cheated and never would! When I was with him, it was only him.) and then asked me to marry him.

Obviously I said no and we really haven't spoken since. I am still upset, obviously or this wouldn't be so long a post. but I do appreciate that one day telling people I was called a whore and proposed to in the same sentance is a bit funny. Deffinitely not how I imagined my first proposal.

So really, it is a sordid mess of stupid shit.
Had another BF in first year who was a bad breakup. Right before christmas break in first year. had to suffer through many an e-mail calling me all manner of names, and I was still trying to explain to him how I was sorry but I just wasn't right for him. He finally got anger management and then a month later told me that his therapist told him he should try kissing me and the see what kind of emotions he feels.... ya... no, not happening. he dropped out of school later that year (not entirely because of me. he was not a university kind of person and didn't go to class... ever really) and then last thing i knew was that 2 years ago he had an 18 year old gf and she was expecting. haven't heard a word since

I attract the 'fun' ones. :mad-oni:

Marri's picture

Supplicant

I've been through two boyfriends who swore they understood that I'm not monogamous and that I could do what I wanted, and weren't quite being honest about it. I'm sure boys exist who are comfortable with it... I just haven't found one yet.

Or maybe I did. But I'm happy enough with the current boy that it's not worth worrying about the other guy Smile

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

You hear these myths about how men are into promiscuity....but IME most men are more concerned with monogamy than I have ever been. I've wanted or broached the subject of open relationships with several men and only one bf and one 'friend with benefits' has ever been truly okay with the concept. Most men can't handle it in my experience - but, to be fair, I don't think most PEOPLE can handle jealousy well. I think most people struggle with the idea of 'sharing' someone, regardless of sex/gender.

I *usually* don't care - I can go open or closed in a relationship and be happy both ways, as long as my sexual needs are being met. At this point in my life, I won't date someone who doesn't REALLY satisfy me sexually. I refuse to settle.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

My boy and I started off as just friends with benefits, so I could do what (and who) I liked. After a few nights I'd spent over at my friend Sean's, it became quite apparent that he could *not* handle it, and I stopped going over.

It's not that my boy doesn't satisfy me, it's just that I like variety. So 99% of the time I'm blissfully happy, but every so often I want a change of pace. Which, when I'm being exclusive, I just satisfy with some nice online videos and alone time instead of with other boys. It's just more fun with a human Smile

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

that I personally don't need or crave variety, sexually. I'm boring like that! But I certainly can understand the desire in others.

raecchi's picture

Devotee

I tend to get along rather well with my ex-boyfriends. To the point that one of them has been living with me (and some family) for.... maybe a year or so since we broke up. I've lost track. It was really hard at first, but now we're more or less friends, and that was one of the most emotionally charged break-ups I've had.

TheBoy, I'm totally with you -- there has to be a reason you liked the person in the first place! This is why I'm friends with my live-in ex. I can appreciate all his good points, and not feel at all annoyed by his bad points, since he's not my boyfriend any longer.

Wren's picture

Petitioner

was a guy I slept with in first year.

We were strictly buddies with benefits, but then the next year when he invited to live with him in his house, we cut it out.
We lived together for three years! Two in the house with 3 other people and last year we got a place just the two of us.
He was the best roommate ever and one of my best friends in the world. I miss him terribly and don't know when I'll see him next because he lives across the country, but we talk all the time on intrawebs and phoooone and such Smile

MeiLin's picture

Most High

He's remained friends with almost all his exes.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

I've only ever been in traditional boy-girl relationships in which I'm the girl, and I've always been the one to initiate the break-up. I do know of one boy-girl relationship where the boy broke up with the girl, but in my group of friends it generally seems to happen the other way around or be more mutual.

Yes, it will stop hurting, and this is not just my experience. My current boy has been dumped twice, and it's really bad for a while -- sometimes for a long while, but after a couple of months to a year it gets easier. Just don't rebound on anyone. Keeping yourself busy helps, and try to spend time around friends you can be yourself with.

I have two noteworthy breakups:

The first was after a long, friendly but passionless relationship. We were both too insecure to totally leave each other. After several failed attempts at breaking up, I finally suggested that we become non-exclusive and non-physical (except for mostly-friend-hugs) for four months. ("You know that girl in your history class? You can ask her out now, and if she rejects you, you still have a sort-of-girlfriend..") If either of us wanted to get back together afterward, we could. He agreed to the terms. No one initiated a get-back-together, so the relationship ended peacefully. I don't think the guy was stable enough to handle anything more harsh than that sort of break up, so no regrets here.

The other noteworthy break up was much worse. This relationship was passionate and lustful and intellectually stimulating, but the guy was frighteningly unempathetic toward pretty much everyone besides me and a few other attractive girls. *insert red flag here* This made me feel alienated, and I developed feelings for other people, which is never a good sign in a monogamy-inclined person. I was convinced that he could change himself into a more empathetic person and that my feelings for other people were shallow and immoral, therefore I should ignore them and try to be an emotionally faithful girlfriend. It was a long, messy, horrible break-up, and that was completely my fault.

Lessons Learned from the Latter: People who mess with your mind and self-esteem are not good for you. The little feeling in your gut is your best friend. Anyone who tells you to ignore it is the enemy. And don't break up with someone you love until you're strong enough to do it in one swift blow.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

If all of your family and friends think he's an asshole, he probably is. Ask me how I know.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

How do you know? Unless that's rhetorical, in which case I'll take your word for it...

MeiLin's picture

Most High

He was universally disliked by my entire family and all my friends. I was so convinced my choice was marrying him or a life alone that I didn't listen. After a year, a life alone didn't sound so bad.

ETA: And I'm sure that if you listened to his side of the story, you'd come away convinced I'm a raving bitch who treated him hideously. But you guys are my friends, and true friends believe YOUR side of the story. Angel

Marri's picture

Supplicant

My great aunt (my family's generations are weird and my great aunt is only five years older than my mom) has been married twice. Her first husband everyone LOVED. But she said he made a terrible husband and they broke up. Now she has a new husband and is blissfully happy and has a daughter she loves to little bits. We just all happen to hate him and think the daughter is hopelessly spoiled and avoid them all. But her choice is her choice, and it's not like we dislike him for any reason that would cause her problems. We just are bored mindless by him Biggrin

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

They liked the third, and he wasn't really any better than the other two. Just more charming and better at hiding it.

The Which's picture

Embodiment

My friend's family & hometown friends think her husband is a pretty horrible person--they've even gone so far as to say he's emotionally abusive--but I doubt they've spent a lot of time with him. He can be a bit of an asshole, but not in a malicious way. He's just one of those guys who thinks he's always right. All her local friends like him and realize you just have to roll your eyes and ignore him every once in a while, as she does.

In most other cases, I would agree.

blwinteler's picture

Supplicant

parents and sister hate her husband. The rest of the family, as far as I've spoken to (meaning my mom and sisters) don't much care for him (though my mom admits she didn't really spend much time with him and that he was a bit aloof, after being shunned by the in-laws). I think he is fantastic. He truly cares about her and their baby. She is happy with him. He is a great person, from what I've seen. In fact, I had barely met him last summer when we stayed with them for a few days. It was my birthday, but he didn't know that until dinner that night. He had no reason to have known (hadn't seen my cousin in years, I had forgotten her birthday too, and David never knew it, nor would remember), but he honestly felt bad for not having a cake or something. I think it is adorable.
Anyway, I guess it matters which parts of your family like them and which don't.
Also, my step-dad's family hates my mom. Went to far as to stop acknowledging him as part of the family for about 10 years. But they are very happy together.
My mom loved my ex-fiancee, until I got dumped. Then she decided he was, and always had been, horrible. She finally accepts that we are friends. She is like that though. Same thing happened with my sister's ex. She loved him until the break-up, and then "I always knew he was horrible."

Moo's picture

I've only had one boyfriend, and thus only one breakup. I was also his first girlfriend, and thus his first breakup.

It was nasty beyond belief. The whole situation cost me not only the boy, but a close friend as well. The way the story goes, we met during our first month in college. It seemed a fortuitous meeting, as we were from different backgrounds but with eerily similar world and moral views. I fell hard and fast, but didn't say a word until he came to grips with the idea of having a future with a girl of a different background. Once he came around on his own, we stuck together for three and a half years.

Each year, he would go to Northern California for the duration of the summer break, and I would stay in Southern California. We never once saw each other on break. We discussed it, but my parents hated the idea, and it led to major stress factors in my life. I nixed the idea of convincing my parents once I had a bad stress-related health scare. This development only caused my boy to dislike my parents the more, for putting that stress on me, and as my father grew more concerned, he grew less likely to let me visit my boy.

Then, last summer, out of nowhere, about three months before our fourth anniversary, my boy tells me that he's leaving me, to save me the pain of seeing him less as he finishes his MBA and begins to work. I called bullshit, and refused to believe it. It was a major heartbreak for me, one that I don't think I could personally take again. I have a very small social circle, when it comes down to it, and I actually did lose a close friend over the debacle, as I said that if my boy begged my forgiveness, I would give him a second chance. After all, I said, 3.5 years isn't erased in one evening.

The summer passed, fall arrived and he migrated back towards my end of the state. We became friends, then shifted back and began dating again around the time of our fourth anniversary.

He has now admitted to his slightly racist family having a lot to do with the breakup, as they told him that I would suffer (and keep in mind my stress health issues) if he stayed with me. That I wasn't strong enough to break it off. That it would be for MY good. And so this year, as he went away for the summer again, he's told me that he can't imagine life without me, that it'll work out between us, and promised to make solid plans for "us" once he finds a job.

But he's also noticed that I don't seem to trust him completely, and it hurts to know that he can't understand why. He's expected me to have gotten over that breakup by now, but I find that old nervousness working its way back up from time to time, and it's happened once already, right? It kind of left a crack in that trust that he worked so damn hard to build.

Kittae's picture

Postulant

That's a tough situation, and I'm sorry you're still going through that. Do your families play a big role in your lives? It might be good to sit everyone down and have a big talk about it, if they're willing. (I don't know your situation and I don't want to pry.) I hope it comes out for the best, though.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

This advice may not apply to you and your man, but hopefully it'll help.

I've been in the position of someone who's trying to get back someone else's trust, and it's really hard, especially when things used to be so free and easy before. If this is anything like my experience was, then it's probably easy for your boy to slip back into the old way of interacting, and it's always kind of a cold slap in the face when he realizes that you doesn't feel the same way (in some certain moment) because you can't quite trust him yet, and he doesn't always know what to do about it.

Have you tried talking to him about how you want to trust him, but you need his help? If you approach it as something that both of you are going to figure out together, you'll feel more listened to and he'll have clearer cues about what you need from him, which I'm guessing is a lot of patience, warmth, and a listening ear. Sometimes it really helps to talk about what you feel when, in some certain moment or situation, you can't quite trust him. Let him know that he can just listen to you without having to "fix it," because when I was in his shoes I had trouble remembering that sometimes listening to someone is the best thing you can do to fix things.

ETA: Um.. sorry about the poor wording. It is late and I am sleepy. Let me know if I need to clarify/reword?

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

Moo wrote:
He has now admitted to his slightly racist family having a lot to do with the breakup, as they told him that I would suffer (and keep in mind my stress health issues) if he stayed with me. That I wasn't strong enough to break it off. That it would be for MY good. And so this year, as he went away for the summer again, he's told me that he can't imagine life without me, that it'll work out between us, and promised to make solid plans for "us" once he finds a job.

Okay, I'm going to be blunt: that paragraph I quoted from you makes me think that your relationship with this guy isn't going to work out in the long run (and that doesn't include the trust issue). The bit above where he and your father were putting you in the middle and using you as a tug-rope also makes me leery. And of course, the fact that this is the first serious relationship for the both of you probably isn't helping... nor is the long distance aspect (of course, you already knew *that* bit!).

Obviously, I only have your one post to go by (for one thing, I couldn't tell if you meant that his family is racist towards *your* ethnicity, or if you just mentioned it as a slight flaw of theirs), but it doesn't sound promising to me.

I'm sorry for being not optimistic, but I honestly can't say "oh, don't worry, it'll be okay if you just work on it!" to the way I read this.

Kittae's picture

Postulant

Wow, fertile subject much? Blum 3

I had a boyfriend who was one of those late-high school "We'll be together forever!" types. Which was also very fun because his mother worked at the school as one of those administrators that never has anything to do during the day--so her hobby was to make sure we didn't do anything affectionate ever at all. But that wasn't the problem. When we started dating, I was his first anything, and he had sneaking suspicions that he liked boys.

Well, after our year anniversary (which was lovely--he was the perfect romantic) I kinda felt things were going downhill. When I confronted him about it, he said that his suspicion was becoming more of a need. He was pretty positive he liked boys at that point, and I told him to go ahead and "get it out of [his] system" because I was a bad Kittae and thought it would just go away. That's when he sprung the talk about not having really loved me for the last half of the relationship and that he was just with me because he thought he was supposed to be and stuff like that.

Long story short, we finally broke up so he could go be gay on the other side of the state. I was very hurt because he immediately went from this uptight little thing who was nervous with affection to being a total man-slut when he got to college. Also still reeling from the idea that he broke up with me even though I hadn't done anything wrong. That was fun, tearing everything apart to look for the flaws. = P

But now we've had plenty of time away from each other, and he settled down into his old normal self and found himself an adorable boyfriend, and I think we have a great friendship now. He's moved away recently to Boston, to be closer to his boyfriend more consistently and to begin transitioning into Canada, where his b/f is a citizen.

Also, there's a flash-movie that's feature-length on the web called "Sita Sings the Blues". It's a glorious movie that goes over the story "the Ramayana", an Indian myth about the worst breakup ever, while the author tells about her own personal breakup.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Been there. First boyfriend, in high school. We were friends for a year first, relationship only lasted about a month, and I wasn't upset that he was gay, I was upset that he gave me three different reasons for why he broke up with me, and didn't come out of the closet for about 6 months after. The tearing self apart to find out what's wrong is so much fun, you're right. Blum 3

Even after all that he still wasn't sure if he was gay or not. He was really confused, and I wish we could have been closer friends, because I know he needed one. He was the class clown, and because of it no one really liked him, and he was in a foster home after coming out of a single mother home. She was a drug addict and it was left to him to take care of his siblings. They were all placed in separate homes, and the foster parent he had at the time was kind of strange.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

on several more, for a total nearing TEN men. I have defective gaydar, or something! To be fair, I find gay men really awesome, and often hot, but why must I go for the ones in the closet? Ughhh.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

I dated a guy who is now a woman! ha! beat that! For her sake, I don't have much contact, though I see her around regularly. Let's just say I was in a manic phase when we were dating, or whatever it was, and leave it at that.

Kittae's picture

Postulant

Depending on her choice of nether-bits afterwards. = P I mean, that's like several repressed fantasies in one, right?

Willow's picture

Devotee

I almost married mine though! We were engaged for about a year and I didn't know how to break it off so I just annoyed him until he mentioned it. We were supposed to be friends but after a couple weeks he stopped returning my calls. He eventually sent me a note saying it was better we were apart.

My ex admitted to having feelings for guys but only reluctantly after we were engaged, and only after I "confessed" my own bisexuality that I had just realized. I suspected he wasn't into girls much because of his problems performing sexually that he blamed on me. That's the part that hurt most about the breakup, the extent to which I bought into his bullshit. Otherwise it did ache for a while and I felt the hole in my life but it was also a relief because I knew I didn't want to marry him.

I did get over it, so don't despair! Smile I am now very happily married to someone much better for me.

I didn't know what happened to him for many years but eventually he did come out of the closet according to a mutual friend.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

Boyfriend told me he thought he was bisexual... three and a half years after we started dating, so about six months after we got engaged. Also a year after he suspected / starting talking to a bisexual ex girlfriend for help and advice. Ah well.

Do not buy the bullshit! Being confused about sexuality can screw up a sex life in soooo many fun and exciting ways.

Willow's picture

Devotee

That's almost the same timeline as my relationship except he suspected he liked guys at age 13, which was a few years before I met him. :O

Kittae's picture

Postulant

I got lucky in the bullshit department. This ex tried to make himself look like a hateful person for a little while, ostensibly to make the breakup easier for me because I wouldn't want to be with him. But he didn't blame me for anything. = P

GN's picture

if break-ups stop hurting or not, suppose it depends on the person.

Mine still hurts, but in a strange way.

I had more than one, always being me the one who decided to end the relationship, but I don't really think those were "real" relationships. More like "yeah, he's my bf, so he comes with his motorbike so I don't have to go walking" relationships, so I don't count them as break-ups, either.

So, I just broke up once. And man, it hurt.

I was also young when I started dating him (around 16) and he was quite older (24/25). I was madly in love with him, and I know he was in love with me too (then it didn't matter at all, to me, I just wanted to be with him... I didn't mind his reasons). All was love and happiness for two years and a half.
I had left my home town to go to University, and he'd stayed home. I sort of knew he was not "clingy" at all: he did not call, but answered eagerly to my calls, he came to visit me nearly once every month... but somehow I missed attention. I tried to tell him, and he just didn't seem to notice.

And then, I met that boy. He was cute, nice... he was a true friend. And he was also living farther away than my bf, but he was closer somehow. I got depressed (that was a shitty year), and nobody seemed to see it but him (and my grandma...). I didn't even realize what was going on with me until it was over. My bf was still "far away" emotionally, and did not notice anything (he seemed just to be really bling, I know he didn't it on purpose). So I found myself leaning on my friend as if he was my life-jacket.
Once I told my bf we had to talk, that I needed more attention, I was feeling really down... and he promised he'd be more attentive. He was, for a week or so. Then we talked again, and the same thing happened. He did just not see.

And when I had made up my mind about breaking up (it couldn't really be worse, really), I called him so we'd met soon to talk, face to face. After some hours of crying, clinging at the telephone, we said goodbye. And some minutes later he sent me an SMS and broke up with me.

The funny thing is that I felt really... abandoned, you may say. HE left ME. It didn't matter that it was what I was going to do in a few days. HE left ME. I had a hard time believing it. It seems fairly stupid right now.

It's been more than three years of that, and we haven't talked again. I've been with the guy who was my friend (it still is, but anyway... you know what I mean) for nearly all this time and I'm incredibly happy, but it still hurts.

Now it's mostly pity, because I know he's still really hurt (we had lots of common friends, and still do, so I see him now and then), but it still hurts.

Shinjinarenai's picture

Postulant

So, um... I was just broken up with Sunday night. This is my first time online since then and... yeah. Eerie how appropriate this thread is. I guess this is my excuse to vent.

I knew him since we were children. I was friends with his sister, and saw him around. I had a crush on him in high school that never went anywhere. I lost contact with their family though, since they were a ways away and I didn't drive and then I went on exchange and all. When I got to school, a friend was introducing us, and he said he knew me, and then I remembered him! I hadn't even recognized him before, he was so changed. He was just getting back to school after time in Russia and a really, truly bad relationship that had left him unable to function normally. Within a day, we were best friends. In two, we were dating. Dating him was difficult. He was so broken from before. He couldn't deal with being intimate until six months in, which was very hard for me, but we managed it.

We were dating for almost two years. It's so hard to write this in the past tense already. It was the best kind of breakup, when you know that they still truly care about you, but they just don't love you in a romantic way anymore and don't want to be unfair by staying in the relationship. But still... I don't keep too many close friends, and I am having family problems, and worst of all- my housing still isn't available for probably another two weeks. The two of us had been crashing with our mutual friend, but after the breakup, I of course needed to get out of there. That night I called a random theatre friend because almost everyone else I knew had left the city during the summer, and he took me in. Just a bunch of guys drinking and me, cheering me up by not talking about it and just being really nice. But things happened there and I wasn't really comfortable. Fortunately, I visited my sole in town girlfriend and it turns out that she had an extra room that I could stay in until my house is available, and even better, my new house is right around the corner from where she lives. We will be neighbors! She's only in the U.S. for two more months but I have a feeling that, once I'm healed, we're going to have an awesome time.

But that's the thing, isn't it? I don't yet really want to heal. I want to pine. Even though I'm doing my best to be healthy about this- not calling him, not seeing him for a month at the minimum, not visiting areas that it's probable that he will be in, or going places we used to go together, not looking at pictures of him or stalking him online- and even though I started smoking again, I actually got rid of the other half of the pack and will not purchase more, and no more heavy drinking like the first night, and no one night stands either- I just don't want to go through with it and get better yet. I love him so, and I don't have the willpower gathered to give up on it yet. I barely have enough not to call and beg for him to take me back.

I'm am extraordinarily lucky that I have a history of staying friends with exes. He was truly my best friend, and even though it will probably take a long time to get over him, once that happens I am sure that he and I and our mutual best friend will be closer than ever. I just need to remind myself constantly not to rush. I need to be 100% done before I can be with them again. Right now, although I will miss the amazing sex and the romantic, perfect heart-fluttering kisses, I really just want my best friend back, and to not feel so alone in the world. Oh, and he was really attractive, in a Westley from The Princess Bride kind of way. But you know, our mutual best friend looks like Leonardo Dicaprio anyhow, and I've still never been attracted to him. It's going to suck a little when I walk down the street with them and girls give me a look like 'What the hell is someone like you doing with guys like THAT???' and I usued to be all like 'Well, actually, this is my boyfriend and that is our best friend, so there!' but I'll only be able to be like, 'Yeah, these are my two best friends.'

Okay, you know what, actually, that may not be so bad.

And I have my own room now with a window and a bed and no one to molest me in the night, with my Japanese/spanish friend and an enormous gaggle of European exchange students who have taken me in and promised to teach me how to cook Italian and French cuisine. Everything happens for a reason, right? But I still don't want to heal... yet. I guess that will come with time and that slow, unwanted healing that creeps around until you realize you don't miss someone that much anymore.

Thanks all for listening to this. I actually haven't been that talkative to anyone, but man, the new people I'm meeting are nice, and that may change soon. Still, you forumites are my friends, so thanks again.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Look, I know that the younger you are, the more time expands, and that you're pretty young (at my age, you can sit down at the laptop, look up, and a week's gone by). But expecting yourself to be over a breakup that happened on Sunday by Tuesday? srsly?

Honey! You've got a wound. Favor it for a while. Don't try to "run it off." I'm not saying wallow--move on, make new friends, get on with your life. But don't think yourself weak or foolish for hurting, or for wanting to pine. You ARE pining, and that's to be expected.

OK? Don't make me come up there. Smile

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

:::HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGSS:::

I'd say you probably don't need to worry about not wanting to "stop pining" yet. You had a great thing going - of course you need time to mourn it! It sounds like you're handling it very well, for how much it hurts. Learning to cook new cuisine sounds like a great idea. Anything novel and interesting will help distract you from your heart's bruises, plus, it's delicious! Ask the cooks if you can share some of the good recipes here, too Wink

Best of wishes, luck, and blessings for you.

Shinjinarenai's picture

Postulant

It did kind of come out that I want this process to go quickly, didn't it? Plus I kind of tend to over-think everything. *hugs again* Thank you both, Mei and Capriox! Trust me, I'm quite sure this will take longer than a few days. But I'm also hoping that it will take less than a year. I want my friend back soon!

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

I'm really sorry.
I am glad things are starting to work out.
Give it time.

Shade's picture

Supplicant

Hey, we're all here for you and like you a lot Smile Pine away. Good luck getting through this, and let us know if we can help . . . (hey Davik, send over a clone ;))

Marri's picture

Supplicant

Take some time to wallow. Or do something therapeutic. I recommend kneading bread. Breakups suck. If you'd said you WERE over him already, I would have politely disbelieved you and bundled you back onto a couch for girly movies and popcorn. You sound like you're doing all the right things, though, so just enjoy the love and hugs being showered down upon you via all us crazy online people Smile

On which subject... -showers love and hugs- I am sorry. I hope you feel better soon!

Kittae's picture

Postulant

Chocolate Oreos dipped in chocolate frosting.

Whenever I'm in a down mood--like a REALLY down mood, not the normal kind--that's what I go for. I bet the strawberry Oreos would go even better.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Is a giant bowl of macaroni and cheese. I never understood reaching for sweet stuff. :x

NorthwoodsMan's picture

Embodiment

Ooo. I hear you there. Maybe some cheese dogs cut up in there too...

Then again, I like going for the ice cream too.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Is in the middle of winter. Summer is for popsicles, but ice cream is a winter food for me.

The Which's picture

Embodiment

Is the best comfort food ever. It's like the base to a creamy soup, only then you don't add anything else!

It's just roux-thickened hot milk & salt, although some people add noodles. Mmmm.... just a big bowl of comfort. The mother of a friend of mine always made it when someone had a bad day.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Knowing me, if I added noodles, I'd have to add cheese. And then it becomes soupy macaroni and cheese and we're back at my favorite comfort food. Or my favorite food in general. I'm an addict.

Shinjinarenai's picture

Postulant

Milk soup sounds kind of like my mom's cream of cauliflower soup without the cauliflower. And that is one of the most comforting soups out there. Good idea! In general, my comfort food is either not eating, or popcorn, or chocolate, or just anything I really, really like.

I am having a bad morning. I dreamed about him last night, and we were still together then. *hug* I can't express how much you reading you guys helps. Thank you so much!

Kittae's picture

Postulant

*summore hugs*

You do sound like you're taking this as well as it can be taken. I admire you for that!

Definitely share the recipes. Blum 3

Amy's picture

Supplicant

Honey you just broke up you de need time to heal it's that simple.

3 years ago my second husband left me because I Can't give him kids of his own. Not for lack of trying on my part. Invitro SUX rocks BTW. almost as much as 6 consecutive miscarriages in 11 years do. Yet despite harming my health trying to have another child, he turned 40 realized he wasn't getting younger & still wasn't a daddy so he fell in love with a happily married woman who had a young child & was preggers with a second child, named her "His Dream Woman" (no shittin) & left me to find a woman like her.

He ended up ruining her life & is now getting ready to marry a woman he met online while searching for a "dream woman runner up" a term that pisses me off on behalf of all women everywhere.

I moved in with my mom to help us both out financially & allowed myself 12 months to heal before I started dating again.

The fellow I'm dating now says lets keep it casual & I'm all for that. He knows he's not a rebound guy because I took the time to heal before I started dating again.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

It sounds like you handled everything extraordinarily well, all things considered.

Also, your exhusband is a jackass.

Amy's picture

Supplicant

That's sweet of you. Yes he was/is an ass.

I took the hight ground & made sure that when he moved out that I was the very first woman in his life who did not take him to the cleaners. I made sure he had everything he needed to establish a decent bachelor pad. Because I was moving in with my mom & space here is limited I kept only the things that matter most to me & let him have everything else for his place. When he bad mouths me these days all of his & our friends remind him that he would have been using crates & barrels for furniture & lived off from eggs & raminn noodles that first month if not for me.

The only thing he wanted that I would not let him have was our queen size bed. I'm not that good natured. He had to make due with the *very* broken down full size bed from the guest room. Not a comfy place to play on. }:) :whistle: :rolleyes:

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

So I can kill him slowly and brutally. What a fucking asshole! You are SO better off without him. *hugs*

Amy's picture

Supplicant

He got married today. - For me honestly, no biggie that.

That he got married at the botanical gardens where we used to spend vast amounts of time. - A bit annoying I admit

That he suggested the exact same colour scheme that I had - A bit more annoying I admit.

that he talked my son into standing up with him - I have mixed emotions about. On the one hand, I'm glad that he hasn't totally abandoned the relationship they built together, on the other hand, How Dare he place my son in a place where he might have had to choose between me & him?

That He chose to hold the reception in a restaurant that he only knows about because it was always *my* favourite - OK that's not only starting to tick me off, but that's creepy as hell too.

NorthwoodsMan's picture

Embodiment

Almost sounds like he's trying to recreate something.

I've always wondered about people that do that. It' didn't end well the first time, why start the second attempt off the same way?

Maybe he just has no imagination...

Andyl's picture

Embodiment

Warning: Very much a tl;dr! My relationships have not been isolated events, but all occurred very much in sequence (and sometimes in parallel. Nyah ), so this is really a rather long narrative.

I've been in a bunch of relationships, but which of us did the breakup is fairly evenly split.

I'd known my first boyfriend when we were kids, but we didn't get along then. Reconnected in 8th grade and hit it off. The relationship lasted for 2 years, but the second half of it was pretty poisonous, in retrospect. We went to different schools and couldn't see each other during the week, and I was going to be going to boarding school for high school which he did NOT like. I was so naively convinced that we were going to spend our lives together that I let him convince me I should instead be going to his parochial high school (which my parents did not allow. THANK GOD). We couldn't spend a day together without him guilt tripping me about school and me ending up in tears. Added to that, we'd started having sex around my 15th birthday, but I wasn't comfortable with it and after I got back from summer camp I didn't want to keep doing it. He spun that as me not loving him anymore and what was wrong with him and guilted me back into having sex.

Yeah. Poisonous.

He broke up with me a month into my 10th grade year, and started dating another girl at his school about a week later. I was really upset, and tried really hard to get him back. Ironically, she and I became friends during this, and while it took a couple months to stop pining for him, I did get over it.

During that last month we were together, I also had a crush on a guy in my class. He and I started "seeing" each other about two weeks after my first relationship ended. I say "seeing" because the guy was a real asshole - he was perfectly sweet during the week when we were sneaking around and kissing in empty hallways or rooms, but when I asked him one evening if we were dating or not, he said yes and then immediately started trying to drive me away. I was so used to being treated like crap from my first relationship that I didn't even realize he was too much of a coward to break up with me himself and was trying to get me to do it. This lasted about a month, with him not talking to me at all the last week, before I confronted him and he ended it.

About a month after that, I started dating another guy, who was a grade beneath me. Or, started being interested, really, we didn't start officially dating until the end of January. That was a nice relationship, while it lasted, but over the summer I got to see him once and he was reluctant even for that to happen. Then he went away for several weeks, and I went away for a couple, so we didn't really have contact, and I started talking to this guy online and fell for him and un-fell for the boyfriend, so I ended the relationship when we got back to school when I realized that the feelings really weren't there anymore.

I started "seeing" the guy from online, though we didn't meet in person for several months, and it was... well, rocky, but exhilarating at the same time. I can't really remember details too well, and I'm sketchy on timelines, but he seemed very angry with his current situation in life. He believed he was in love with one of his friends at school (Hi, Marri!), who wasn't interested in him, and he dropped out of high school that fall. He didn't tell me when this happened, just disappeared for something like a week. Of course, because his response to getting mad at me was to just sign off of the computer and not come back for a while, I thought I'd done something terrible.

Our first breakup happened when, due to events that took place in the online game we both played, and in which we were on opposing sides of, I got very angry and told him I never wanted to speak to him again. So, he dumped me and refused to speak to me for a couple weeks, and I was completely miserable. I'm not sure how we ended up getting back together, exactly, but it involved a weird sort of discussion with a mutual friend moderating, and I guess we both realized we'd been idiots. This was around Thanksgiving, if I recall correctly.

He came up to see me for the first time during my winter exam week, though we only got to spend a little bit of time together. He was applying to the school I was in, in hopes we could be together more.

Then in February or March, he went on a three month trip into the wilderness somewhere out west, and had almost no contact with the outside world. I sent him a letter weekly, but didn't get anything back. He happened to be at base camp (or whatever it was called) on my birthday, so he called and we got to talk for a bit. He said he'd sent me a letter, but if he did it still hasn't arrived (3 years later). Then he was gone for another month or two, but I stopped writing to him.

Before he'd left, we'd agreed to have an open relationship (because he wanted the option to hook up with girls there, I think). I ended up getting a bit of a crush on a guy at my school, and we had a couple makeout sessions. I figured he'd be okay with that, since he'd just gotten out of a toxic relationship (one he ended up yo-yoing in and out of for quite some time)... but he wasn't. He thought it was more serious, I explained that I was seeing someone but it was open, he accused me of cheating on my boyfriend, and stopped talking to me for a while. Awkward.

Anyway, boyfriend's Wilderness Exploration ended and he spent a week with a friend of his, whom he tried to hook up with but who wasn't really interested. Their stories aren't exactly straight - she says she wasn't interested, he says she totally was. I believe her). He had cell service, but didn't call me and wouldn't pick up the phone. Then he got back home, and was online again, but was ignoring me. When we finally did talk, first he said he loved me and had missed me, but a couple hours later said he'd been lying and wasn't interested and didn't love me anymore, so could I please leave him alone?

I was once again devastated. I somehow managed to keep it from my parents and function at work, but the rest of the time I lay in my room and cried. I was still completely head over heels about him, and thus wanted to try to be friends in the hope of winning him back, but he was really a hurtful friend - he would say things like "I really liked the old you better, the one before I left. You're too opinionated now." Of course, I was more self-sufficient because I hadn't had him around for several months, so I'd actually developed hobbies and friends... But anyway, I couldn't stop wanting him.

I ended up going to visit him that summer, telling myself that it was the last thing I could do. If he still didn't want to get back together after we'd spent time together in person, there was nothing more I could do and I would need to get over him. The visit was, of course, "as friends". It wasn't like that de facto, of course, and we ended up having quite a lot of sex. And it was pretty damn good. But he still wasn't interested in dating me, because he would be starting college that fall and didn't want a girlfriend "holding him back".

So I started to heal, and when I started school, I decided I wanted to date a friend of mine, who had been interested in me since the previous winter (after dealing with the awkward remains of the situation with the guy I'd hooked up with in the spring. That went okay, actually. He got back with his ex, and we were friendly again). Because we'd agreed to be friends, I told the ex that there was a guy I was interested in. He told me to go for it, but then sulked for a while about how bad his life was, and how he wasn't making any friends, etc. I felt bad for him, of course, but I was finally starting to move on.

Well, I started dating my friend, and told the ex about a week into it... and he flipped. It seems he'd wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and was NOT HAPPY with me moving on. He professed his love, said he'd made a terrible mistake, and he wanted me back. I said I didn't know, and needed time to think. He couldn't leave it be for even 24 hours - every day, it would be "Have you made a decision yet?" "I said I need time to think..." "Oh, I'm so awful, I'm pressuring you, I'm a terrible person". ON AND ON. And he threatened to do something stupid if I didn't pick him.

After about a week of this, I said fine, I'd break up with the new guy and get back with him. And I really, really meant to. But every time I was going to, he would do something cute and sweet and just make me melt inside, so I was hoping that the ex would figure I'd done it and then go back to his cake-duality and not ask. But no, a week after that he asked if I'd broken up with the boyfriend yet and I (stupidly) said yes... and then had no choice but to agree to be his girlfriend.

So for the next nine months or so, I had two boyfriends. One was smart and funny and sweet and kind and treated me the way you *should* treat loved ones, the way I'd never really been treated by a guy before... and the other was jealous and controlling and petty and insecure and emotionally abusive. My parents knew just enough details to keep them quiet. The distance one visited me over thanksgiving break, and that was really the last good sex we had. It was this relationship and my first relationship that taught me that when I lose interest in sex with somebody, it is because there are really deep problems with the relationship, and generally a good bit of resentment as well.

We fought a LOT. It was intense and it was angry and happened at least once a day. If I had a good day, I was rubbing it in his face that his was bad, and if I had a bad day, his was worse. I couldn't see my friends because I was prioritizing them above him, I needed permission to do my homework or go to the damn bathroom. I started lying about stupid little things, like saying I was going to the bathroom when I was actually getting a drink of water. In later examination, it was probably to have some small semblance of control over my own life.

Through all this, my other boyfriend was sweet and supportive and didn't pry, though I know it must have eaten away at him knowing something was going on (which he did). He didn't ask when I needed to hide in an empty room to take a phone call, or demand answers when I couldn't see him in the evening because I was "sick". He was just there for me.

That spring, online guy's parents found some compromising photos of myself that I had sent to him, and as they hadn't known we were even involved, they threatened to tell my parents *and* send them the pictures unless I told them first. I told my dad, but not my mom, but all of a sudden the idea of spending the rest of my life with this guy gave me a sick-to-the-stomach feeling. How could I ever face his parents again without wanting to die of shame?

When I graduated high school, which was on a Friday, I spent the weekend at the house of a friend who lived nearby, with other boyfriend and a couple mutual friends. The cell service there was terrible, which I explained to online guy, and I was busy doing things with friends and thus wasn't online, which I did not mention (needed permission to see friends, if you recall). After a day or two, he called me furious, demanding that I go home NOW and how could I DO THIS to him, what did HE ever do to ME to deserve such TREATMENT. Well, my friend's parents decided we all needed to go home anyway, so go we did.

A week or two later, I went away to Mississippi/Louisiana for a week as part of a school trip to volunteer and do some rebuilding from the mess that Katrina had left. Before I left, I'd decided I needed to break up with him after I got back (thank you, Marri!). I had no internet access, just cell service sometimes. Well, we hardly fought at all that week, and we were able to talk and connect like we hadn't for almost a year. If I hadn't had Marri to talk to, I probably would have changed my mind.

I delayed for another week or two after I got back, but finally told myself that waiting until "we can be together" to be happy is total bullshit and I deserve to be happy now, and have a guy I'm happy with now. I told him I couldn't do it anymore, and he informed me that I needed to know what it was really like to not have him around to support me and blocked me. I cried, because it was hard.

Come that weekend, I came down with a nasty bug and took a bunch of meds and was very loopy while on IRC. He was worried, unblocked me, and was rather sweet for the duration of my illness. But then he slipped easily back into mistreating me, and when whatever I had caused me to develop red welts all over my lower body, he was a complete jackass about it (along the lines of "Ha ha, you have herpes!" since for a while we were worried it might be shingles. It wasn't). I snapped at him and told him to stop doing that, and shortly after that he reblocked me (I don't remember if it was because of that, or because he decided I wasn't going to miss him if he stuck around). He told me to call him when I changed my mind.

Oh man. That was heaven. All of a sudden, nobody was demanding that I ALWAYS be online, or was keeping me from seeing my friends or from spending time with my family. Nobody was treating me like crap. I LOVED it.

He contacted me a month later for sorta unrelated reasons (the game we both played), and wanted to know why I hadn't called, if I missed him yet, how I could be spending all day online playing pet sims but not begging him to forgive me. He said he'd been planning on buying me (insert list of expensive things), and had a ring picked out that he was going to propose to me with. I wasn't going to change my mind, but it took a few hours for me to extricate myself from the phone call.

He got somebody who had been a friend of mine, who was then a mutual friend, who was then his friend (HE STOLE MY DAMN FRIENDS!!) to call me and tell me I was making a huge mistake and how could I have treated him like that, didn't I know he did everything for me and couldn't I have done just a little to make it work, and why did I lie to him about loving him and so on. This may have been during the month interval... like I said, sketchy on timeline.

Anyway, after his last phone call I haven't talked to him since, and it's been 2 years this summer. He did call me on Skype a couple Sundays ago, but I don't know if he meant to and I wasn't at the computer when he did. It was a little frightening, though, and I'm not sure if I want to talk to him or not. It was an abusive relationship, but I do still have some feelings for him (no, not enough to ever ever consider going back to him) and I wonder how he's doing.

I stayed with my other boyfriend through all that, and it remained sweet and kind and loving. I ended up telling him about what had happened spring of last year (my freshman year), and he forgave me. But we were both working last summer and didn't get to see much of each other so the romantic feelings on my part fizzled out (or, relocated to one of my coworkers). I broke up with him in kind of a dick move, saying we should take a break because I wasn't sure about what I wanted and because he was starting college and should date other people, etc. In retrospect, I should have been honest and said it wasn't working for me... but I was a coward, and avoided giving an answer for several months, by which point he had figured out I'd lost interest. We're still friends, though, because he is just that nice of a person.

Anyway, a week after he and I broke up, I started seeing the guy I work with, and for the moment, that's going pretty well. He's 10 years older, so I don't really know how, or if, it'll work out long term (in terms of what he wants, what I want, etc), but it's quite fun right now. And the sex is faaaaaantastic.

It's funny, kinda... the guy who treated me the worst is the one I had the strongest feelings for, the only one who has really gotten me fired up that way. In comparison, everything else is comfortable and fun and not really that much work... but nowhere near as passionate. But, I in no way regret the breakup.

It's the other two I ended that I get nostalgic about - both of them were good guys (the latter one more so), and I worry sometimes I didn't give the relationship a fair chance, and moved to someone else too quickly. However, I also know that I have gotten over crushes before, when I'm into the relationship, so having gone with the crush means the relationship wasn't what I wanted. My other problem, of course, is that I tend to date guys I'm good friends with, so dating and then breaking up means losing a friend most of the time. Even if we do agree to be friends, it's just awkward and we drift apart.

Honestly, I don't know which, if any, of my relationships were rebounds. Most of them happened in a pretty rapid succession, but for most of them, I've had somebody else I was interested in before the relationship officially ended, rather than latching on to somebody just to not be alone. Too, my relationships have usually lasted longer than they really should have, after both parties kinda lost interest.

..So that really was tl;dr, and probably a TMI at places too. Anybody who actually got through it deserves a cookie.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Shocked Maybe I should be glad I didn't date after all...then again, mine was in the '70s...

Marri's picture

Supplicant

In case you didn't see my name a gazillion times Biggrin

Yes, it was all in high school. The online boy Andyl's talking about was and still is one of my then-boyfriend's closest friends (which needless to say made the "I'm in love with you" conversation from him very awkward, since that made my response something like "I'm not interested. Which should be obvious since I'm dating your best friend!") so I was one of the few people who got to hear both sides of the story, almost the whole way through.

I'm still friends with that guy, though we don't speak much anymore. We'll have dinner every six months or so when he comes out west to visit another of his online friends, who he's been sleeping with for a year or so now. He seems to have his life more under control now; he's not 100% where he'd like to be, I think, but he's a lot closer to it than when he was at the time Andyl's talking about and so he's a lot happier. He was really unhappy when he thought his ADHD had screwed up his life, but his life is working better now. (I will not pass judgment on whether or not that's what actually happened, but the ADHD is what HE thought the problem was and the idea made him miserable).

Also, that girl that Andyl thought wasn't interested and he thought was? SO VERY NOT INTERESTED. She and he and I all went to high school together, and I spent a few years helping her through various rough spots in her life (catching her mom making out with a married co worker, for example) so I was the recipient of the "WHAT THE HELL. WHY WOULD HE TRY ANYTHING. NOT OK" phone call and resulting rant.

There was one night that might have confused him; I think there was some weirdness where he kept trying things but there were people in the room and she couldn't shut him down forcefully enough to get the message across without causing problems with the people in the room (for herself, not for him) and so that might have given him ideas... but she then shut him down that night AND later that week over IM, so I don't know why he didn't get the message eventually. Ah well.

Also: honey, I missed you! <3<3<3<3<3

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

My mother was told by a teacher when I was in elementary school that she though I had it. My mother was unconvinced and never pursued diagnosis or anything. After all, I was polite and quiet instead of hyper and bouncing off the walls.

Years later, after finishing my first associate's degree and struggling to focus during tests while working on the second one, I did some research. I expressed my concerns to my mother and found out about a teacher suspecting it when I was little. My mother found an article in a magazine about a month later, talking about how the symptoms present differently in girls than in boys. Girls are much more likely to be inattentive, rather than hyperactive.

In high school, I was always so confused over why it was easy for everyone else to just sit down and do their homework. They disliked it as much as I did, but I just couldn't do it. As a result, I became completely disillusioned with the idea of going to college for English, which I really wanted to do. I didn't think I could handle the workload. I completed one research paper in high school, and we were assigned at least four a year.

When I finally spoke to my doctor about it, she said we could try out a medication and see if it helped. It was like a fog in my mind clearing.

So if he really does have ADHD, it's entirely possible that not being treated for it, or taught how to manage it screwed things up for him. I know it caused all sorts of depression and guilt in me, and toward the end of high school I bought in to the idea that I was just a slacker by nature and nothing could be done about it. I sabotaged myself and almost didn't graduate, and I missed out on going to a really good college studying what I really wanted to be studying.

ETA: I still have a hard time believing that I'm not really this lazy and that it's not my fault.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

No arguments that it's a legitimate disease, it could be the reasons for all his problems, etc etc.

My only issue: I don't think he's switched treatments in any way, and he's doing much better now. Which implies at least SOME of it was him just needing a change of some kind. Of course, I could be lying, but at least to my knowledge he's in the same medical situation he was when I first met him.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

Wow, your description sounds exactly like me. Like, when you're doing schoolwork or something, some part of you just disengages, and then you realize that you're not doing work anymore so you have to start again, and for some reason you hit a glass ceiling RIGHT there. And that's IF you've gotten your books out and prepared yourself to study in the first place. With medication, though, the glass ceiling is gone and the work itself is actually somewhat engaging.

I still have the same issue with wondering whether it's all my fault and because I'm lazy, etc... It doesn't help having a boyfriend who constantly tells me that it IS because I'm lazy and that I just need to develop some willpower. I'd feel better if stimulants were available to everyone who wanted them for constructive purposes, but that would cause the population of ritalin-dust-snorters to skyrocket. Alas.

Btw, you guys had a really dramatic high school life. Have you considered writing TV show story lines? Most of my social group's high school drama was caused by uber-controlling parents. (Parody: "My mom kicked me out of the house last night because my eye twitched when she yelled at me." "O ya? My mom broke my cell phone because I only practiced oboe for 2 hours.") Not exciting Blum 3

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

Andrea wrote:
I still have the same issue with wondering whether it's all my fault and because I'm lazy, etc... It doesn't help having a boyfriend who constantly tells me that it IS because I'm lazy and that I just need to develop some willpower.

Get a better boyfriend?

Sorry if that's harsh. Boyfriends (and girlfriends) who undermine or outright belittle their SOs are a instant-ire button for me. Perhaps he's very supportive of you in other ways that I obviously don't know because I'm a stranger chatting over the interwebs, so I'll hush now.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

But that one's definitely caused the most damage to my self esteem and wasted the most time.

There are other issues I have like constantly losing really important things, leaving perishable groceries out because I got distracted in the middle of putting them away, leaving the front door wide open with the keys in the lock all night because I had my hands full coming in the door and didn't close it right away, leaving the car keys on the hood of the car in the driveway for a few days, etc.

I also have a handful of the hyperactive symptoms, but definitely the inattentive side is the problem causer.

And people like your boyfriend, who think I'm just lazy or who think ADHD doesn't actually exist piss me off and need to die in a fire. Obviously your boyfriend must have redeeming qualities or you wouldn't be with him, but I can't stand that attitude. The guilt I feel on my own is enough for me to deal with. :x

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

he's saying that I'm capable of changing the things that I label as "ADD symptoms", which, in his mind, should empower me. "It's under your control" = "It's your fault."

I'm considering getting a better boyfriend, so don't fret. We've decided that I'm going to do my thing when it comes to ADD treatment, and we wait and see if our relationship gets poisoned by it. That's the actual plan. Yay trial and error. The other options are 1) No medication, or 2) We break up now and always wonder whether we could have made it work, possibly leading to a messy on-again off-again type deal, which would be worse.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Blum 3

You sound like my mother and my best friend. Concerned about a lack of passion when they aren't with a guy who treats them poorly. Part of the reason why I don't trust that feeling when it happens. I'd rather have the easy, comfortable feeling without fireworks than be in a situation I can't control. I've sort of lost interest in dating altogether though.

Andyl's picture

Embodiment

I was more musing than anything else, with that part. It's almost necessary that you'd feel more strongly about the people who treat you the worst - otherwise, you'd leave so much sooner. It's the people who can command affection and loyalty in their good moments that are the chronic abusers, because people stay long enough to get stuck.

No, I like my relationship being easy and comfortable. There's definitely passion, but it's a warm fireplace instead of a destructive house fire. And while a house fire will certainly get your adrenaline flowing and your heart pounding, it's not something you voluntarily subject yourself to once you know what you'd be in for. Blum 3

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

At least you seem to have the self esteem necessary to recognize the situation and even enough will to subvert it. My mother, not so much, and it took my best friend three years to finally move on, and she still wonders what would have happened if she'd stayed with him.

I'm a little worried for her right now though, because he's back in her life, and he's in therapy, and been through rehab, so the fact that he's getting his shit straightened out might make him appealing to her again. She keeps having nightmares about cheating on her current boyfriend with him.

Shade's picture

Supplicant

I've only been in two relationships and I'm still in the second :P. But the first ending was pretty bad.

I'd been friends with the guy all through junior high/high school. I was a senior and he was a junior, and he asked me out. I figured 'oh, nice Christian guy, he won't pester me about sex or touching'. He didn't, which was nice. Three months in, he told me that he felt like I was pulling him away from God and that we needed to break up. I told him I understood because well, it was important to him and we just had a high school relationship :P. I also told him that I couldn't be friends with him until I was actually over him and he got really angry at that.

Few months later, when I figured we could be friends again, he refused to answer calls or online messages. I went to see some mutual friends and he happened to be there - I tried talking to him and he looked right through me and walked away, completely ignoring me. That frankly hurt worse than the break up. Come to find out from said mutual friends that he had told everyone I was clingy (eh, I don't like being touched), called too much (coming from the guy who would call me at 3 am crying twice weekly), and freaked out when he was with other girls (I encouraged it). He also told them that I'd 'pretended to find Jesus' so he'd keep dating me, which was utter bullshit.

That broke me. Why would my friend say and do those things? Why would my other friends believe him? Luckily I went off to university and got away from the whole thing, but I kept getting updates. Apparently he went on to have a pregnancy scare with a 16 year old and not graduate high school because he just stopped going to class. The vindictive bitch in me finds that delightfully amusing. /shaaaaame >_

It took months to get over the hurt from that - from what my friend had done, not breaking up . . . so I suppose this isn't as applicable as I thought :P.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... depressing thread I'm glad that while I've had a bunch of unrequited crushes, which were bad enough, I haven't had an actual breakup yet. *knocks on wood*

But seeing as I'm only on my third relationship, that may not be so surprising. Number one, which was kind of a protracted case of puppy love, ended amicably when she moved away. Number two was a deep friendship of intellectual soul mates that drifted into romanticism due to peer pressure and because we didn't know any better, then drifted out of it, then petered out when I met the woman who is now my wife. I kinda suspect that right before that second relationship ended, the girl had begun to develop something more than friendship again, and that I therefore actually may have broken up with her, but I wasn't aware of that at the time. If my suspicions are right, hurting her that way is my biggest regret in all of that.

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

Time to start a new happiness thread somewhere, eh? Maybe a marriage-themed one for us "old folks" Wink

My husband did something similar before we started dating - a couple unrequited crushes, one mild version of friends-with-benefits (it was only making out type stuff - he was still a virgin when he got to me }:) ), and one casual relationship that was more about going through the motions of high school expectations than a major emotional involvement on either side.

ETA: hey, look! The "misery dick" game is now official - there's an article about it in the WallStreet Journal (only they call it misery poker). Link: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124511445043317379.html

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... my dear. Who are you calling "Old folks" anyway?! *raspberry* Blum 3

I may have ten years on you, but I'm not old. Let alone grown up. Just ask my wife. Biggrin

Raigne's picture
Vandole's picture

Postulant

I've only been in two relationships myself. One, in September of eighth grade, I asked a friend out, she said yes because she thought I'd hate her if she didn't. One awkward-but-fun date in which I didn't take the hint and a bunch of hanging out with friends where nothing happened and about a year later, she hit me over the head with a clue-by-four that read "I just want to be friends" but was also loaded with such things as "I thought you'd get bored and go chase after other girls" and "I did it because I didn't want to hurt you". I took it poorly, and I regret being a jerk to her afterward and ruining a possibly salvageable friendship.

The second was in the first term of first year university, which is just last fall. In high school I had been oblivious to girls who (supposedly) liked me, pretty much shunned one because she smoked weed and drank underage and I was straightedge, made a lot of awkward confessions and struck out a couple times. As well I took a philosophy course and was basically bombarded with claims and evidence that love as I believed it was merely lust and infatuation. So going into university I took up a policy not to allow myself romantic fantasies and not to get my hopes up about dating. Basically I decided I would have no relationships unless they came to me.

Well, one came to me in the form of a girl who needed help with physics. Helping her with physics turned into assuring her she could pass, and those assurances turned into cuddling when she got scared around midterms, and then we ended up cuddling in her bed together (chastely, not even a kiss) one night. I told her about my feelings and she told me she felt the same way, but she needed some time so it wasn't a rebound. Then by the end of the week she brought me to her room and explained that she had wanted to give me a chance, but she still loved her ex-boyfriend.

I was angry. I didn't express it to her, but I felt betrayed. This girl had pushed past my defenses and I trusted her, then I got left behind as second best. She and my room mate were friends, so even though I was kind of avoiding her she was still in my life. We gradually started talking again and got back to being friends, and being pretty good friends. As her relationship was getting steadily worse she relied on my support more and more until she and her boyfriend had a mutual breakup and I became her best friend. Then the morning I was leaving school after second term exams, she asked me if I still had romantic feelings for her. I said yes, she kissed me saying she had wanted to do it ever since we got cuddly back in the fall, I put my foot in my mouth and asked her if she was still drunk from the night before. I went home trying to figure out whether the kiss meant "Hold on, I'll be a while" or a thanks for being a friend or she was just curious what it would feel like to kiss me. So I went home with plans to pull some suave move on her the next time we saw each other.

And when we saw each other (We live in the same city), I didn't do it. She told me her ex had been pleading with her to go back, I told her she shouldn't, but she shouldn't ignore him completely. Then I felt bad about trying it, so I never did. A week or so later, she told me she had seen the ex, but she didn't want to go back and he thought they were back together. This slowly advanced until they were really back together and all of her friends including me were once again telling her to stand up to him. Which brings us to the events of Monday night. She stood up to him and demanded that he let her be friends with who she wanted. (specifically males, he hated the thought of her interacting with any males he didn't know personally and refused to meet her friends) He said they were through, guilt-tripped her some and left. Immediately she started crying and I had to simultaneously comfort her and convince her she can't go back to him unless he's willing to compromise. I finally ended up holding our little fling over her as blackmail to keep her from going back to him.

And now we're at the present time, where I'm blackmailing my best friend/object of my affection to keep her away from a boyfriend I consider abusive. So it's been eventful so far and I guess I'll see how it turns out. I still have feelings for her but there's no way in hell I'm complicating this any more by involving my feelings any more than they already are.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

SO much I want to tell you. First off, you remind me of Lord Fennows, who, after Sedra is through unintentionally breaking his heart, will probably be as cynical as you (say you) are. Smile You are idealistic and struggling with your more human nature. Philosophy is a dangerous thing upon which to pattern your life and expectations. I think perhaps you're learning this.

Secondly, stay away from this girl. She is Drama with a capital D and is using you between breakups with her boy. Remember the "nice guy" thread? I know you do. Run do not walk. I'm sure she's very nice, but.

Hugs.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

I arrived at the same conclusions about love, without philosophy classes. It's nice if you're compatible with someone AND there's passion and lust, but I see relationships fall apart or go on much longer than they should an turn ugly because they had the last two but not the first all the damn time. As such, not matter how much "chemistry" I think there is, I look for deal breakers long before I consider a relationship. Perhaps this is merely a way of keeping relationships at arms length, and possibly I have a very jaded outlook on them, but I know how much I'm willing to compromise and at what point even compromise will not keep me from being miserable.

And I'm not talking about trivial stuff. I will compromise on just about everything, but a person's got to be willing to meet me half way. The parts where I won't are Big Things. Like, religion. I have tried to make it work with people more religious than I am, or who are religious in a different way, and it Does Not Work. That is what I mean when I say deal breaker.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

I've spent my life bouncing between the two. All my relationships have had one or the other satisfactorily, never both - though my late husband came closest (the sex was great, it was just TOO INFREQUENT). I've either had great sex but the person annoyed and/or bored me, or got along great but the sex was lacking. I have NEVER found both in the same person - not ever.

I'm too much of an optimist to give up hope entirely, but I'm getting rather jaded. Nonetheless, I refuse to settle. I will not settle for one or the other ever again, and that's largely why I've been single for over a year, and mostly celibate. I'd rather that than compromise, having had fanfuckingtastic sex and amazing compatibility, albeit separately. I know what can be, and I know what I want.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

I'm celibate, and starting to think I may be asexual. I have never had that fireworks feeling for anyone without having to convince myself. There've been a couple of guys who I've wanted to jump in the sack with in a no-strings-attached fashion, but they'd never make a good boyfriend for me, so I had no interest in them beyond that.

And, you're approaching it from the viewpoint of sex being separate from compatibility. Sex is part of it. If someone is drastically different from you in their sexual preferences, it will put some strain on the relationship. If it's not a relatively high priority, it may work, but if it is, it's one of those deal breakers I mentioned. If your sexual needs are tied to that fireworks/infatuation feeling, then maybe that is part of what you need to be compatible with a mate. For me, It's not.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

On the one hand, I'm inclined to say you just haven't had luck finding men who 'do it' for you, so to speak - when you say you've NEVER had fireworks, are you including those men whom you wouldn't date? Because if so, your experience is not so different from mine - chemistry and dateability don't seem to coincide for me, either.

I think you're right in a way about sex being part of compatibility - except that the two are split so clearly in my experiences with men that I can't help but separate them. It's not that my sexual needs are tied to that infatuation/fireworks feeling, either. I'd be perfectly happy with good sex on a daily basis, I don't even need it to be fantastic sex! Just GOOD and DAILY. Perhaps I'm not explaining it well?

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

Men and women, both whom I would date and whom I wouldn't. I may find them attractive, I may find some of their qualities attractive, but I have no desire for a relationship, and more rarely, any desire for sex. Desire for both from the same person has occurred once in my life and not at the same time. It still was nothing like a head over heels feeling that most people describe.

And you're explaining it well enough. It was more a general observation than lack of understanding. Some people need it. And to be quite honest, even if I felt it, I doubt I'd trust it. Extreme emotion of any kind, good or bad, tends to set off alarm bells in my head. Part of growing up with a bipolar mother. Extreme anything = oncoming manic episode. It makes me extremely nervous.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

I apologise for that! As you explain it more, it does sound like you are maybe just not that sexual? Or if that is not the case, are you just not very sexual towards other people?

I don't trust chemistry, FWIW, and I always end up going for compatibility over sex in my serious relationships. I do like extremes, but I realise they're dangerous. And I'm sorry you had to grow up with a bipolar mom - that's rough (my first bf, and his mom actually, had severe bipolar). Although I do wonder if maybe you repress strong infatuation as a result?

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

I'm not sorry. My mother is why I am who I am, for good or bad, and in spite of being angry at her for some of the things I had to go through, we still have a very good relationship.

From my understanding, asexual typically refers to someone who's not terribly interested in other people. They'll occasionally have sex and masturbate. Which describes me pretty well. I'm hesitant to assign the label to myself just because I'm introverted and it's possible I haven't met the right people yet. I was isolated at school as a kid, and by the time I wasn't (high school) the school was tiny, and the people I was friends with were not like me. We had drastically different interests and ideals, but there really wasn't anyone else to be friends with because of how small the school was. (we're talking 230 students total here. My graduating class was 31, and it was the largest in the school's history. it was urban, public, but alternative, and small class sizes were absolutely necessary for what they were trying to do.)

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

For thing to change if you're exposed to the right opportunities. And I agree it's pointless to bemoan one's past. I would imagine the pros of your high school greatly outweighed the cons.

Raigne's picture

Embodiment

But that's a whole other discussion and I can rail on about the evils of standardized testing and the quality of the curriculum it produces, and how it puts the demographics it's supposed to be helping at an even greater disadvantage, but it's too exhausting to get into right now xD

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

MeiLin wrote:
Secondly, stay away from this girl. She is Drama with a capital D and is using you between breakups with her boy. Remember the "nice guy" thread? I know you do. Run do not walk.

... of getting the fuck out of Dodge here. Sure, her boyfriend is emotionally abusive. So what? She's emotionally abusing you, too. There is nothing you can do for her, except continuing to be her tissue when things turn ugly between those two again and again and again. And again, thus further enabling this abusive relationship. If that's what you want, and it's all that you want, then fine. If not, then the best you can do, for yourself and also possibly for her, is to tell her that you're still her friend, but that this situation is untenable for you, that you're therefore removing yourself from it, and maybe that you would like her to get back in touch with you if and when she has finally, terminally, gotten rid of her abusive boyfriend.

And then stick to your guns. No exceptions.

Either she wises up and gets rid of her boyfriend (good for her), or they'll stay together (good for everyone else, because that way they'll only ruin each other's lives instead of their respective partners', too).

Marri's picture

Supplicant

I went through some "not really relationships" that ended sort of amusingly.

First boyfriend: My first boyfriend was at camp the summer after 8th grade. It was more because I didn't want to go to high school never having had a boyfriend, though he was adorable. It was a three week camp, and I pretty much just left without discussing anything with him. Went to high school, had a couple more boyfriends, got back to camp the next year and he asked me if I wanted to keep dating. I was very surprised Biggrin I explained my confusion and we parted amicably, though.

Second boyfriend: I met a boy at school who seemed to have the same interests as me. Crushed on him for a while, finally kissed him, and then realized almost immediately that it was a bad idea. Spent a week trying to break up with him, but he kept avoiding me. Finally, he IMed me and asked if I'd been trying to break up with him. I didn't want to answer, because then I'd be breaking up with him on IM for Christ's sake, but I couldn't think of something to say that wasn't a lie, and he figured it out anyway. D'oh. Breakup via IM = fail. Even if forced. We were both sulky for a week or two, but we had only been "dating" for about nine days, so we got over it. We tried benefits briefly junior year, gave up, and are still very good friends. He's dating some older girl on his Ultimate Frisbee team now, I think, which amuses us all.

Third boyfriend: Sucky breakup. We were together from freshman year of high school, and convinced for a while it would last. We even got "engaged" (promised is probably closer, since I said definitively nothing could happen until at least after college) senior year of high school. But when we were at college, the long distance was difficult. Plus his emotional turmoil about realizing he was attracted to men took its toil; he was Catholic, and Asian, and frequently went on rants about how he couldn't be a Real Man in his own eyes if he was attracted to men (sigh). Not to mention he'd been suicidal in high school and continued to lean on me for emotional support, particularly the "I MISS YOU AND CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU" kind.

I'd pressured him into allowing at least a kind of open relationship, enough to let me participate in school events such as Full Moon on the Quad where you just kiss a bunch of people.
I just wanted kissing privileges, but around spring break he said I could go past that if I wanted. And I was thrilled that he was being better about the fact that I'm not really monogamous so I went through a couple boys, when he told me he HADN'T been okay with me doing what I wanted, and he just "was giving up stopping me rather than being okay with it." And that was not okay. Nor was having to be his emotional support all the time, when more and more I felt that he needed far more professional help than I could give him. Nor was the idea that he'd talk to an ex girlfriend about his sexuality for a year without bothering to mention it to me (not talking about it for years after he suspected I would have been fine with, since he was struggling, but he talked to someone *else* which stung). He spent the summer visiting me, I realized that it wasn't the long distance but we really weren't working, and ended things at the end of the summer.

We tried to stay friends, and managed to chat for a few months, but I had a new boy in my bed and even though I didn't really talk about it for his sake he gave up around October and said he'd prefer if we didn't talk till he got over me. Then didn't speak to me until February, when he called me crying at 4am because some guy tried to mug him on his way back from a party and he, by virtue of his black belt, beat the wanna-be mugger into the concrete. He checked for a pulse, called the police and then called me. And I thought okay, maybe we can talk now. Then the next time he calls me, a week later, he says he's still in love with me. At which point I have to tell him that I'm in love with the new boy, we're living together, we're happy, yada yada (in a condensed and nicer form). The guy Andyl was talking about, the one friends with both of us, texted me a few days later to say that my ex couldn't handle talking to me again and would let me know if he was okay to begin speaking again, and meanwhile I could reach him through the mutual friend.

Shortened: I mostly do the ending, or it's mutual, and we usually stay friends, with one emotionally unstable exception. (Basing this off above relationships and a number of friends with benefits whose tales I spared you :D) And for all that I was always miserable after a breakup, it really does get better with time. How much time... depends on you. But it'll happen Smile

thedisquietedpen's picture

Postulant

this thread and then just disappeared.

I took a hiatus to my mother's house and stayed away from the Internet for the most part.

I am not over this relationship ending, but I have come to terms with it.

I wish I could say that I was the better one in this relationship, but to be honest, it was my flaws and faults that ended up driving us apart.

I am very controlling. I am very obsessive and possessive. I am very clingy and needy.

I'm so extroverted and so self-absorbed that I "need" attention. I am very much (as most of my friends have pointed out) an attention whore.

In short, I got too close, too quickly for her tastes. She's an introvert and needs lots of time to think by herself. This is something I don't understand at all, but I am willing to respect.

I think that given our positions in life (just out of high school), this break is a very good move for me, for her, and for us. Whether we get back together or don't, I think this is a positive thing.

For clarification, until Monday night, I was "Her Boyfriend". That was the chief definition in my life. Now, I'm having to rebuild Who I Am.

It hurts.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

I was in a relationship very similar to yours, but I was in the place of the girl. So at least from my perspective: I'm sure you both contributed to drifting apart. Don't worry about it too much. Focus on rebuilding your life; like you said, redefining Who You Are will be painful and probably not terribly speedy, but it will be really good for you. I've done it twice now, though not for relationship reasons; it took a rather rocky year or so each time, but it was absolutely worth it.

jtok202's picture

I have been broken up with, and broken up with probably 20 people in about 6 years A lot of that was related to drugs, sex, and well generally being a addict and crap, I have had a lot of stories from crappy crazy relationships that happened (read cheating polyamorus stupid drama laden cops choose any combo) , I actually found that after a whole I stopped even remembering them all it always is going to hurt less with time but I really feel like to get your head on straight first in order for the healing to work. Ohh ya when you have some scars it's a lot easier to go ehh.
Present
So let's see, well I'm seeing just one person atm she has a girlfriend too so we are never exlusive this month I was broken up with by a women who is probably breaking up with her boyfriend of four years to come live in the states and is with the girlfriend of the first, I'll probably have another lover or g/f in a week or so. Either way casual relationships are just that casual.
Past
I spent 3 years with one girlfriend, that was a fun crazy abusive relationship on both our parts, we ended up mutually cheating on each other at about same point and were involved for sophomore highschool to freshman or sophomore college, we slept together for fricken years inbetween our other relationships and we ended up parting ways poorly, we still talk and connect now.
The people who have the current situations
I think would be well served in long run by having these kind of interesting relaionships as they will either be irreparably harmed by it or they will learn important lessons such as don't argue with weapons( that was a important one to learn) I think the one thing I've never regretted is the experience, with a bit of caution and a good attitude you can have a great time.

I am posting this from my phone before I go perform srry for any mispellings or poor half completedd thoughts.
Jacob

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

Fling #1 - dude broke up with me, I flailed about melodramatically, but recovered quickly. I was 18, and it was my first ANYTHING, and the loss of my virginity.

BF #1 - mutual, and it hurt like hell, but I recovered within a month, and it was definitely for the best. Turned out he was gay, anyway.

Pseudo-BF - he broke up with me, and it took me YEARS to heal. We never dated really seriously (it was an odd, mostly long-distance situation), but I fell for him in a major way. Only after many years can I look back and realise his flaws and that we were not meant to be together. I still feel a pang when I think about him, though. I consider this my one major heartbreak.

BF #2 - I broke it off, but then I never wanted anything beyond sex to begin with. This was messy as hell and I handled it poorly.

Various flings, with alternating me or the guy breaking it off. Then I got married, and my husband died, which sucked, but to be completely honest - was not nearly as heartbreaking as the pseudo-BF. Maybe I was already hardened?

BF #4 - basically mutual, and neither of us seemed to care much. It wasn't very serious, and I think we both were in it for the sex. I still dream about fucking him. A lot.

BF #5 - I broke it off, but he didn't seem to mind TOO much - I think we both wanted it to work, but realised it wasn't meant to be. We're still friends.

Currently single, yay! Seriously - I'm fine with it. If something is meant for me, it will happen when it's meant to. I'm in no hurry until then.

Wren's picture

Petitioner

for being single and liking it!

Drama happens, life goes on. all we can do is be relatively open and receptive to the people we come in contact with and when/if we run into "the one" or "the right now" we can ride the drama train(hopefully the good kind, not the messy kind) all over again.

I hate the messy drama, but I do like having stories and can see the humor in most of it (even when it sucks balls). I have a couple friends in particular who are always eager to hear "The Latest Drama". yes, all in caps!

I tell my engaged/married/longtermrelationship friends that when they are 32 (ten years from now. we are crazy young for big commitment i think!) they will have their kiddies and same-old-same-old and I will be the eccentric aunt who regales them with tales of my sexy adventures and dating shenanigans after the kids have gone to bed Smile

Amy's picture

Supplicant

I just found out that my ex has not only remarried, but that his new wife is my friend & student's ex wife. We are taking bets on how soon this whole things gets to volatile & toxic for words. They both have major control issues. Thankfully my friend's kids are all grown & out of the house & the line of fire.

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