How long is not long enough?

I'll start this off with saying I love my boyfriend and I love having sex with him, and obviously sex isn't the pivotal turning point in out relationship. However, I do like having sex regularly and passionately... but on a good day it lasts for a few minutes, and on a bad day... well it's not as good. I am the type of girl who can last forever in bed. The boyfriend, not as much. So, dear Sir, what can I do to help my man last longer?

Forums: 
LaurenF's picture

Petitioner

Also, oh my god why is this on the front page.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

show up on the newest first page. It was a little intimidating to me the first time I saw it, too, but if it weren't that way, no one would ever see it and come answer your questions. If you want specific people only (like Mei or Sir) to see it, you should use the "Messages" button on the far right, but I think you're going to get a lot of good answers to this question, and that those answers might help other people with the same problem, as well.

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

for a ruler measurement...

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

...although there might be a simple workaround: guys last longer the second time around. So one idea would be to give him a hand job or blow job with a happy end as part of your foreplay, then use his refractory period to work yourselves back up again and have some - hopefully longer lasting - PIV.

Another thing to note is that a penis is not the only thing that fits into a woman's vagina. So do fingers and dildos, and a strapon dildo harness isn't an item for exclusively female use.

If neither of those propositions appeal to or work for you, there is also the possibility of trying to get him to last longer. I would NOT recommend using topical numbing agents like Lidocaine/Novocaine spray for that. For one thing they may or may not work, but they may also affect you, and they don't really solve the problem, either.

What you need to do first is to get the pressure off his dick (see also recommendation #2). The problem is almost certain to be partly psychological in nature, after all. Then, and only then, can you two try to improve his control of his orgasmic response. For that, he needs to learn to recognize when he's getting there before the point of no return, back off, then start back up once he's cooled down a little. Squeezing the head of his penis or putting pressure on his "taint" (the area between the root of his penis and his anus) are said to help getting him back off the edge, too.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

all of the above advice. That is great advice.

Only one thing to add (and you're probably already doing it anyway, but it seemed worth mentioning): Use a condom! If either of you have a latex allergy, you can get non-latex condoms. I've found that condoms often double or triple the amount of time it takes a boy to finish.

Another thing to note is that a penis is not the only thing that fits into a woman's vagina. That is an excellent point. One thing to add about that as well. If you get to the point that you're really, really close before you start having sex, you may be able to line up your climax with a point at which you're having sex, instead of using an alternative afterwards. (I don't know if that matters to you or not, and this is definitely secondary advice to use once you've followed all of Gudy's advice and he's lasting at least a little longer.) Have him eat you out first, while using a vibrator or other implement inside you, until you're really close. I might also recommend, if you would like to be a little quicker, using a vibrator on your clit during sex.

Also, maybe you want to be aware of the things that set him off. I know for me, if I made too much noise, it does my boy in sooner.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

I suggest stopping-and-starting. I've had two serious lovers with short fuses, and I trained both of them with regular sex to last.

1. Have the guy cum first, either by himself previously in the day, or via your hand/mouth.
2. The guy needs to learn to be hyperaware of his arousal level. Start intercourse, and have him tell you when he's starting to get close. Stop altogether, slow down, and/or switch to a less stimulating position for him. Repeat as many times necessary until YOU'RE ready for him to go. This will be frustrating at first, but the intervals between stopping will grow, and eventually cease altogether (unless he has a serious medical problem which is unlikely).
3. Have a lot of sex. At least once a day, more often it possible. Practicing #2 will perfect it and lots of sex will become equivalent to #1. I've found that frequent sex tends to delay orgasm in men, and advance it in women, so it's win/win.

Anyway, with perseverance, you can certainly train him. Biggrin

Capriox's picture

Embodiment

I would add to all of the helpful advice here: first make sure your fella is *willing* to be trained. It isn't clear to me from your inital post, but if this is something that you want him to do and he has no clue that it's a problem, then you've got other things to worry about first. Communication!

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

You definitely don't want your guy to feel pressured or insecure, so being as sensitive and open in the way you approach the topic is key.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... that I probably should have raised first thing. The whole process, as fairnymph notes, will be frustrating for him, at least initially until he sees some improvement. So he must be willing, and more, he really has to want to work on that, or this little project will never get off the ground.

And yes, if your sex drive is up for it, I definitely agree with fairnymph's recommendation of having sex as often as possible - the less sexually desperate your guy is, the better his chances of lasting longer and being able to concentrate on what's going on instead of going all "Yeah Orgasm!" on you.

raecchi's picture

Devotee

This reminded me of a post by a blogger I like a great deal:

http://gretachristina.typepad.com/greta_christinas_weblog/2008/04/lesbia...

The full title is "Lesbian sex with men" -- I'm not suggesting you switch genders! While it lacks tips for increasing your guy's stamina, it might help you find a mindset that's more conducive to a happy sex life.

As for actual suggestions, have you tried using a cock ring? I've heard some favorable reports from friends, though I've not tried it with my own partners. Best of luck!

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

It's a good point Smile I'm going to have to remember that.

V's picture

Embodiment

That's a very nice article. It states clearly some things I've already learned, and some I think I knew but couldn't state

LaurenF's picture

Petitioner

I definitely am already of the "why should we stop" mindset, but le bf is more of the "well I'm done so I guess now it's time for bed" mindset. Which is annoying, and I am trying to break him out of it.

LaurenF's picture

Petitioner

Thanks for the advice so far guys and gals, I appreciate it. To address some comments people made-
I would definitely willingly have sex every day, 3 times a day if I could...but we just don't have time for that. We both are in college and we both have jobs, so we see each other a few times a week. Also, we always use a condom, always. My momma didn't raise no fool.
As far as the fingering, eating out suggestions, I'm kind of weird. I don't really like to be eaten out (self conscious, and it's just boring for me), and fingering is all well and good, but... well, a dick is bigger and feels better. I'm completely ok if I don't orgasm- I never have from sex and I've come to terms with it, because it still feels amazing when we are having sex. And yes, this is probably due to me being self conscious about certain things about myself sexually.
My boyfriend definitely is aware of the problem, and it frustrates him probably more than it frustrates me... I try not to put any pressure on him because I know that doesn't help the situation. Unfortunately, he is the type of manly man who finishes, rolls over and goes to sleep. His recovery period could definitely use some work, but knowing his schedule... I don't know if he'd honestly have time to do advance preparations.
I will definitely try to get him to communicate with me more when we're having sex so that we can try to postpone the finish. I think this is probably the most realistic solution for us at the moment. We're both very determined people, so I think with a little concentration and practice we can make it work.
Thanks again Smile

TheBoy's picture

Embodiment

It's not terribly difficult to get yourself off once (or twice) the morning before you'll see your girlfriend...if he's not ready to handle that much? wow.

It's like 2 minutes in the shower. maybe 5. (if you go for two)

LaurenF's picture

Petitioner

Honestly, I think he should be able to do that for me, but I don't know how I would ever go about asking him. Also, a lot of times we don't know when we'll see each other, so wouldn't necessarily know when to prepare. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I'm sure this is how he thinks haha.

Gudy's picture

Embodiment

... be blunt. Blum 3 But seriously, this is one of those things where a polite but clearly worded request is probably the best way to get what you want.

If there really is no time for him to jack off before you meet, fall back to my first suggestion: make him come as early as possible in your lovemaking, i.e. before he is all emotionally worked up and hot and bothered and all. This, in my experience, dampens the Must Go To Sleep Now urge sufficiently that going for an encore performance isn't primarily a fight against ever increasingly heavy eyelids.

fairnymph's picture

Embodiment

If it's really quick and sort of unsatisfying for him, he's more likely to want another round.

Biestygirl's picture

Petitioner

he doesn't cuddle?! cuddling after sex is one of my favourite things, try to get him to cuddle once or twice (after y'all clean up, it's kinda gross if you just cuddle straight after). he shouldn't just roll over and go to sleep, que lastima.

Someone's picture

Postulant

If you find that he finishes, rolls over, and goes to sleep, there is a very simple solution: Have sex at times other than bedtime.
I like morning sex, personally. *nods*

NoodletwigMeow's picture

Devotee

that leaves you with the boyfriend who finishes, gets up, and goes about his morning activities. -_-;

Biestygirl's picture

Petitioner

Maybe try using a thicker condom? Or doubling up a bit until he learns to control his ejaculations. My fiance taught himself how to hold off orgasm, he told me that he just thinks of something else for a while, so he can still keep at it but not orgasm. It takes a lot of effort for the guys but in the end it's really worth it. Smile

You said you don't like oral (on you) and fingering is good but not thick enough, what about getting a dildo or vibrator to use in foreplay? Take your boyfriend with you and have him help you pick one out that won't be intimidating for him, and then when you get home, have him use it on you so that you can crank out an orgasm or two before he gets in there to have fun.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

Yes to the thicker condom, NO to the double bagging, yes to the dildo/vibrator. Please don't use two condoms. It makes it more likely that they will break and puts you at all sorts of risks. (My apologies BiestyGirl, if I misinterpreted your "doubling up a bit" statement, I just wanted to make sure that was clear.)

Biestygirl's picture

Petitioner

no i meant use two, but i didn't that put you at extra risk! that's no good, no good at all.

Marri's picture

Supplicant

I don't know about you, but my boy says that if I get off before we start having sex, then I'm a lot tighter and it feels better. Wouldn't help the speed problem, but at least you'd have already gotten off once when he rolls over and goes to sleep Biggrin

Add new comment

Get an exclusive free ebook from the world of the Intimate History! Exclusive content, contests, new releases and more.