sexual orientation

So there has been quite a bit of venting on the forum, and because my brain just got stuck on the chapter discussion this morning, leaving far too little room for anything else, I decided to inflict my venting upon you.

It's quite hard for me to write this, but not as hard as it would be to talk about it. I want to, but I never seem to work up the guts to do so. I am very much confused by my sexuality. At this point I'm pretty sure I like girls and that I'm not really attracted to boys. How I arrived here is basically like this:

At around 16 I thought, maybe I like girls too, no don't be silly, you just want to be interesting

At 17 there was a guy interested in me, after one week (nothing physical happened) I went completely crazy and told him to back off. I thought it was because he said he really liked me very much and was quite obsessive, and I was more let's see where this goes.

After that and reading the stuff I do, I kind got thinking I might be bisexual. One of my thoughts was actually: I get turned on by reading about two guys having sex, so that must mean I at least like guys. I also half fell in love with a girl.

A little less than a year ago, one of my friends said he liked me. We just started doing more stuff together, touching more, but there came a point where I went to that place again, where I just couldn't breath, metaphorically speaking. I told him I thought I only liked girls, and at that point I was convinced about that.

Now I'm fairly certain I like girls. When I walk I notice women not men generally speaking. A couple of weeks ago I spend my entire 15 min train journey staring at a girl (via the window mostly). I do notice men from time to time, but two months ago, I thought that that might occur around the time I ovulate, which would kind of explain that. Haven't had enough time to be able to say whether that theory is correct.

The problem is, that there is a chance that I just go crazy whenever someone gets close to me, and that scares me. Basically everything scares me. I'm even scared to google to find out where I could meet girls.

I think I just want to be in control, and because I have no experience whatsoever, I don't have that control.

Ok, I'm trying to put this in an understandable way, but there is some more stuff I want to write down (I think writing this is helping already) that might be a bit what I already said above, but differently., sorry about that.

Apart from the not knowing what I want genderwhise is the thing that I don't know what kind of sex I would enjoy. I know very well what I like to fantasize about, but I never fantasize something that includes me. I make up stories, actually they never contain real life persons, not even actors or such.

I do know I like both biting and being bitten (which is a good thing when you have to do it by yourself :p), and I think that because I don't know a lot of things about myself, that knowledge is very important to me and comforing.

What do I want with this post? It's not really a question, but I would like to hear from other people if they have / have had similar problems.

Forums: 
NuanaIvy's picture

Devotee

I'm happily married to a man, so I can't say I feel the same as you, but I just wanted to offer my support. I think you are very brave to talk about this, and I salute you Smile Don't feel bad that you're confused - everyone gets confused! And I'm glad that you're starting to feel like you've found a path. I wouldn't worry about knowing what kind of sex you'd like at this point. When you are in a sexual relationship with someone, you'll be able to explore that further and go with trial and error Wink Sometimes the experimenting is the most fun. I would say, just keep an open mind, and make sure that you respect yourself, your needs, and your partner's needs - male or female.

If that made any sense, great. If not, know that you are not alone

Old Timer's picture

There's a wonderful line in Monty Python's Meaning of Life, somewhere in the skit on the miracle of birth, when the mother asks, "Is it a boy or a girl" and the doctor replies, "I think it's a little early to start defining roles." Or something like that. I am old and weak of mind.

Sexual orientation is not as clear cut as you might have been led to believe. Many of my 'gay' friends have heterosex on occasion and with great joy. Personally, I tend to have sex with whoever says yes, regardless of age, gender, race, religion, species, time of day or wind direction (though the latter is usually my gravest consideration, you'd be surprised at how many people smell bad). Of course, I'm no better than I ought to be, but in my not so humble opinion life is far too short to ration pleasures or excercise prejudice. Find your fun where you may. Enjoy, experiment, take pleasure. I dislike pain, S&M was never for me, but genital stimulation in all its forms is fun and I encourage all and sundry to stimulate the hell out of mine.

Sorry. I don't mean to be flippant, but you say you don't know what you like so find out. Experiment. You're obviously fascinated by the idea so go out there, find a girl or guy, and give it the old college try. You can't spend your entire life wondering and you have time, energy, youth and desire to explore. But do take care.

Laureril's picture

Supplicant

I don't know if it will help, but there's a scale for sexual orientation out there. Maybe finding a number that fits you might make you feel a little better.

I personally identify as hetero, with some bi leanings. If the girl was cute, or my partner was into her, I'd consider a threesome or possibly some time with just us, but I'm not really the type that looks at boobies and wants to play with them. I've got my own pair for that. That would be a '1' on the scale.

The thing is, people don't always fit into neat little boxes. If you find a number that describes you and it gives you some peace of mind, then great. If not, well, sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right. If you're bi or whatever, just follow your heart - or loins. Wink

KtO's picture

the Kinsey Scale. Made my life so much easier, in my own head.

Eleonora's picture

Devotee

The thing is, theoretically, I agree that there are no absolutes, and that I do not need absolutes. My ideas on sex are, well I'd call it very open, and they are very important to me. I agree I just need to experiment and see what I like, and thinking about it that way is no problem. The problem for me comes when I start thinking about putting those things in practice. I clam up and I get scared. It's the same sort of panic I got when I first got on a rollercoaster, but the thing is, there you just get in line and stay there. I can do that. I'm not an outgoing person. I'm shy at first.

I recently worked out some study related stuff, and I'm feeling much better in that respect. It's like my subconscious just decided that now there is enough space for me to do something about this, and its saying: you go try stuff NOW and quickly, you chicken or I'm just going to make you more nervous and more obsessive.

I think I just worry about those things because I'm too scared to do something about it...

magalicious's picture

Postulant

Perhaps what you really want is someone to give you a push, so you don't have to make any decisions; so that, in the end if something goes wrong (rejection, finding out you're an "above the waist" lesbian Wink etc) you don't have to blame yourself. I often feel like this. (Of course, this could just be me projecting.) Am I close?

The Which's picture

Embodiment

Hahaha, that is so what I am, much more succinctly than I could have ever described it.

Although, right now, I'm mostly just celibate. Sad Take my daughter's age plus the 8 months since the day I found out I was pregnant... That's how long it's been.

Stormy's picture

Supplicant

I generally fall somewhere between 3 & 4...often closer to 4. My first sexy feelings were for a girl, but almost all of my actual experiences have been with boys. But I still fantasize about girls much, much more than boys. But I'm married to a man. Yeah, sexuality is a very confusing thing, especially if you're trying to define it based on societal labels.

My general opinion on partners is that I love people for who they are between their ears, not what they have between their legs. But for just sheer physical attraction, women just do it for me more than men. But I go through phases. Sometimes I'll just crave men for months at a time and the idea of being with a woman isn't nearly as exciting. But then I'll go back to the way I usually am. For me, sexuality is incredibly fluid.

As you noted, you don't really know if you will like being close to a woman because you lack experience. That is difficult. I know sometimes what's way hot in my head actually kind of squicks me out when made a reality. Other times, things I was just meh about really get me going. It sounds like you are craving experience through your fear. I am in no way a mental health professional, but I would suggest you do what you can to get to the root(s) of your fears. Especially if they are keeping you from a fulfilling social/romantic life.

Good luck.

ETA: Ah, shyness. I know thee well, ya bastard Wink

November's picture

I`m bi. but I didn`t always acknowledged it. Liking boys and chasing them around always was second nature to me, going after a girl terrified me. not only because it was a girl, but the thoughts that, what if I only like girls, what if I chicken out and figure out I`m completly straight. What will my family say and oh my God how am I suppose to make love to this beautiful, soft creature Blum 3 but I survived and I`m guessing you will to.

I suppose you should get out there and do something about it, but don`t push it. and don`t overplan it. perhaps try going to a gay bar and talk to some girls? Remember everyone was a newbie once and what kinda sex you want you have to find out by trying and "failing" if you know what I mean.

Good luck! and remember, when you look back at your life, it`s not all those things you did wrong that bothers you the most, it`s all the things you wish you did at all.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Hard to do, I know. I was wound as tight as a spring when I was your age, and there were many fewer options. But you have plenty of time. And, as people have said above, you may be 100% lesbian when you look at a particular girl, and 100% het when you look at a particular guy, and the rest of the time you'll be somewhere in between.

Myself, I like a pretty girl, all kinds of pretty girls; most people do. But to be sexually interesting to me, it takes a certain kind of pretty girl. My perfect girls are little, dark, round and submissive. I don't run into them often and I don't have time. I tend to be dom with women and sub with men. Tend, she says. oy.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

do you still live in the Netherlands?

For me, I think I'm maybe close to 50/50 bisexual (maybe 45/55), but I find that relationships with men work out best, and that I'm more comfortable having random hookups with women or couples. I did have similar problems for a while, but I'm very interested in experimentation in general, so I had different obstacles. Honestly, one of the ways I was able to start experimenting was just to make it generally known that I was interested in girls. Because I was still in college, it turned out there we lots of other girls who were curious but who were more shy about admitting it than I was. When they found out I was interested, they came to me. Other people's boyfriends were helpful, too, because a lot of my friends had girlfriends who were interested in women but had no experience with it. I was more comfortable talking to the boys about what I was interested in, since I didn't feel like I had to try to impress them, and we eventually sorted out what everyone wanted to get out of it and set up a play date (or just had a few drinks and made out). So, maybe either talk to some close friends about it, or keep your eyes peeled for people you could be comfortable experimenting with. Depending on where you live, there are probably more bi/lesbian girls than you think.

Also, the internet is a great place, but if you go the random encounters route or you pick up a girl in a bar, please be really really careful. Use protection, meet first in a public place, etc. I feel like sometimes for girls interested in guys, that usually goes without saying, but for girls interested in girls, it needs to be said sometimes.

Have fun, and good luck!

LaCiega's picture

I've been in a similar state of confusion since coming to college. Previously I'd thought of myself as straight, but acknowledged the possibility of being attracted to a girl at some point. But I came here, and.... met a girl, and was like "bwah, she's so amazing in every way..."
After four months of stressing myself out wondering :/ , I came to the conclusion that pretty much everything I feel about her is mental/emotional, not physical attraction. But I find that I can't pinpoint any way that how I've felt about guys in the past wasn't equally non-physical...
I completely agree, it's annoying not knowing what you feel or why you feel it. And the only way to really find out is to try things. But I have... absolutely no help for you on how to go about trying them; I have no sexual experience, never had a boyfriend... so yeah. I guess the first step would be finding someone who you trust, who you can feel safe trying things and being uncertain with.

Laureril's picture

Supplicant

My sister and her best friend get mistaken for lesbians (they're both 18, and her friend has a longterm on-again-off-again boyfriend) mostly because they're both very touchy-feely (hugs, hand holding, otherwise 'intimate' but not sexual contact) and are just plain comfortable with each other. I actually wonder if my little sis is on her way to a lifetime of close friends, but no romantic interests. I'm sure she'll get around to it eventually. Guess she just hasn't really found the right one and my mistakes have probably given her a pretty good idea of what she wants. That or... she's found it and just doesn't want to admit that she's making out with her best friend. Shrug I'd be ok either way I guess - she's still my sister, so as long as she's happy, I am.

Anyway, the point was, you can have your intellectual and emotional cake with a little physical frosting on it too!

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

is a loaded title around here. }:)

Katie's picture

Embodiment

TheBoy is rubbing off on you. :O

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

Do you think I should get tested? Wink

Katie's picture

Embodiment

Who KNOWS what that disreputable TheBoy has. Wink

Laureril's picture

Supplicant

I may have to read my titles out of context from now on - Yikes!

Taslin's picture

Postulant

Mine could probably be put down to having almost no prior sexual/romantic experience, but I have very little idea as to who/what I might be attracted to. I notice lots of different people's inherent attractiveness, but it is often just objective--the artist in me admires the symmetry/beauty in my friends' various features, for example, but I don't tend to fantasize about them sexually. While I have occasionally had romantic feelings for guys in the past, it's always been love of the mind that inspired it, not the body. Sometimes I wonder if I'm aroused by physical attributes at all.

Of course, it's just as possible that I'm simply not very good at recognizing when I'm attracted to someone, at this point. :? Never dated anybody, never been kissed, never yet attempted to move beyond the one-sided schoolgirl crush--I find sex and relationships to be an utterly alien domain, and I have no idea how to start exploring. For all I know, I could be attracted to girls but just never considered that as a possible option/haven't met the right person yet, or straight, or even asexual (though that last one seems less likely, considering how much I like MLM's work Wink ).

Well, in any case, I'm sure I'll figure me out someday. Smile Until then, I'll just take things as they come.

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

I totally get what you mean about not being aroused by physical attributes. Personally, I get aroused by body language, eye contact, and intimate vocalizations. Someone can have "pretty" face or a "hot" body, but the way someone looks will never get me going unless they face me directly while talking, lean a little bit too close, etc.

Don't write off sexuality until you've tried something, though! I never had anything more than emotional (read: non-physical) attraction until /after/ I started making out with people.

Taslin's picture

Postulant

Good to know there may be some hope for me yet. Wink Perhaps I won't be so shy to post on Dear Sir threads in the future (I was a little nervous about it this time).

raecchi's picture

Devotee

To me, it sounds like whatever else you look for in a partner, you should prioritize someone that you're comfortable with above all else. Someone who has some experience (ideally with inexperienced folk) and who is willing to let you explore your sexuality at your own pace.

As for deciding on an orientation, I would put that a bit lower on the list of concerns. You don't need to tell the world at large or get it tattooed on your forehead, and you should tell anyone you'd like to get naughty with the whole truth rather than a sweeping category. If you find that someone thinks poorly of you because you admit to uncertainty, they are not the person you want to get involved with!

Now, in regards to figuring out what you want: I too fantasize about non-me and non-real people, and I've actually been working toward putting myself into my own fantasies. It's hard, but I've found that it gives me a better idea of what I might actually want to do sometimes. My partner is very much open to trying things and doesn't make fun of me for any of it, so I have a safe space for exploration.

And, since we're all weighing in, I'm a girl who is mostly straight, but has occasional bouts of girl-fancying.

kawaiikune's picture

Embodiment

I just have to note that every time I look at the title of this thread, I think of freshman orientation. I want to go to the university that has sexual orientation.

Laureril's picture

Supplicant

Most college kids could use that!

applejax's picture

Supplicant

Sign me up for that school. Wink

Andrea's picture

Supplicant

Eleonora, when you're in the moment, what is it that makes you uneasy with getting physical? Is it worries about not being "good at it"? Is it germophobia? Does the other person smell weird?

Initially I was worried about all of those things. My first kiss was totally awkward and non-hot. I'd never felt the urge to kiss him or anyone else, and I didn't even like the guy -- I just did it because I felt like I had to. We kept kissing on later dates, though, and I got to like it... and then love it... and then I noticed myself fantasizing about it in class... you get the idea. Sometimes you have to jump in to get used to the water.

Eleonora's picture

Devotee

I actually never got that far. Pff I'll just see what happens. I will try and talk to people more. I figure I just had a freak out day yesterday, and there wasn't much else I could freak out about. I went to bed at NINE, I was pretty much exhausted. I need to keep track of those freak out things and stuff, if it doesn't happen very often, I'll just call it a day when it happens again and go home. Write stuff down or something.
But to reply to some things said earlier, I do think I want my first time to be with someone experienced. I can be a bit of a control freak from time to time, especially when I'm nervous. I feel like someone has to know what they're doing.

Pedes's picture

Postulant

and confident about what he/she is doing - I also think that's essential Smile

You know there is also much more to sexuality then the whole het-bi-homo scale...
I myself am something that's called ambisexual. This basically means that on mental level you are pretty much bisexual with being like extremely picky on sexual level. OK, not really picky; it just means that you find only a very very few people (much less then people usually do) - as Issak would call it - fuckable. So it means "Uhm, yes, I find you nice and you're hot but I don't really want to have sex with you, sorry but if you would pose for a few hours I could draw or paint you pleeeasseeee!". And the fact that what attracts me in people first is personality doesn't make the whole business easier either. :/

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