So there has been quite a bit of venting on the forum, and because my brain just got stuck on the chapter discussion this morning, leaving far too little room for anything else, I decided to inflict my venting upon you.
It's quite hard for me to write this, but not as hard as it would be to talk about it. I want to, but I never seem to work up the guts to do so. I am very much confused by my sexuality. At this point I'm pretty sure I like girls and that I'm not really attracted to boys. How I arrived here is basically like this:
At around 16 I thought, maybe I like girls too, no don't be silly, you just want to be interesting
At 17 there was a guy interested in me, after one week (nothing physical happened) I went completely crazy and told him to back off. I thought it was because he said he really liked me very much and was quite obsessive, and I was more let's see where this goes.
After that and reading the stuff I do, I kind got thinking I might be bisexual. One of my thoughts was actually: I get turned on by reading about two guys having sex, so that must mean I at least like guys. I also half fell in love with a girl.
A little less than a year ago, one of my friends said he liked me. We just started doing more stuff together, touching more, but there came a point where I went to that place again, where I just couldn't breath, metaphorically speaking. I told him I thought I only liked girls, and at that point I was convinced about that.
Now I'm fairly certain I like girls. When I walk I notice women not men generally speaking. A couple of weeks ago I spend my entire 15 min train journey staring at a girl (via the window mostly). I do notice men from time to time, but two months ago, I thought that that might occur around the time I ovulate, which would kind of explain that. Haven't had enough time to be able to say whether that theory is correct.
The problem is, that there is a chance that I just go crazy whenever someone gets close to me, and that scares me. Basically everything scares me. I'm even scared to google to find out where I could meet girls.
I think I just want to be in control, and because I have no experience whatsoever, I don't have that control.
Ok, I'm trying to put this in an understandable way, but there is some more stuff I want to write down (I think writing this is helping already) that might be a bit what I already said above, but differently., sorry about that.
Apart from the not knowing what I want genderwhise is the thing that I don't know what kind of sex I would enjoy. I know very well what I like to fantasize about, but I never fantasize something that includes me. I make up stories, actually they never contain real life persons, not even actors or such.
I do know I like both biting and being bitten (which is a good thing when you have to do it by yourself :p), and I think that because I don't know a lot of things about myself, that knowledge is very important to me and comforing.
What do I want with this post? It's not really a question, but I would like to hear from other people if they have / have had similar problems.