Three Quests | Hiatus I, 2008

Our first Hiatus I submission is crackfic from Wysteria, who writes the medieval fantasy Tapestry, "updated erratically but as often as possible. It's the story of a noblewoman trying to cope with living in what is quite frankly an evil empire, and keep her family safe and sane come theft, fire and flood." I confess I've just started reading it, but it looks absolutely engrossing and I can't wait to dig into it. Please give a big hand to Wysteria, and if you're drinking something, swallow first before you read this, or your monitor will be the worse for it.

MeiLin Miranda writes an epic, complicated tale of love, honor, sensuality and history.

This is what she doesn’t write.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away there was a handsome prince. His name was Temmin, and he was the third child of a wise old king. He loved his mother and his two older sisters very, very much.

One day, on the advice of his dark, scary adviser the Teacher, the wise old king decided that each of his children must set out and seek their fortunes. First to seek her fortune was Sedra, who was very, very smart and very, very beautiful. Sedra set out to the far off kingdom of Sairland, where she had heard that women were strong and fierce and a little scary, just like her! While a woman might normally fear to travel alone, Sedra knew the secrets of Eddin and could change her shape. Sedra traveled by water in the form of a seal, wrapped in a sacred seal skin. Not too long after that, Sedra was surprised to find out that the men of Sairland were strong and fierce and a little scary, too, when a devious man named Brinnid stole her sealskin as she slept. She was forced to marry him! Despite all this, Brinnid was more confusing than intimidating, and in the end, they settled down and had lots and lots of babies and lived happily ever after. And that was the first quest.

Ellika was the next child to set out to seek her fortune. Rather than going far away into the wilds of the world, Ellika searched inside her own home for a fortune to find. She liked dancing and pretty things, so the first place she searched was her wardrobe. She was startled to find a door in the back of it that had never been there before. Excited and curious, Ellika dove right through the strange, magical portal, arriving in an underground kingdom where animals talked and trees walked and fauns and nymphs danced in forest glades. Kicking off her shoes, Ellika hastened to join them, laughing with delight at the wonderful, carefree world she had found. In later years, when it was discovered that she was a Daughter of Eve, not just a nymph, she was crowned Queen of Narnia. This was very interesting and involved a lot of talking to moles. And that was the second quest.

Temmin, the youngest son and youngest child of three, was practically destined for great and interesting things, so he set out on his quest with a light heart. His faithful vassal, Jenks, came along to keep him company and make sure he dressed properly for every occasion, and together they traveled by horse and conveyance all across the land. They sought after that most elusive of things, that Temmin felt was the most important thing a prince could find: true love. He searched in dance halls like his sister Ellika, and forested woods like his sister Sedra, but it didn’t quite work out. He eventually found himself in a temple, where he met two beautiful twins named Allis and Issak. They decided they liked his looks and that he would be their love slave. He smiled, and said, “As you wish.” He thought they were lovely, but unlike his sisters he didn’t settle down to live happily ever after. Instead, he settled down to have a tremendous amount of terrifyingly hot sex.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, Teacher frowned at the air and said sternly, “Stop that immediately. You are being altogether too silly.”

And that was the end of that.

Comments

NoodletwigMeow's picture

L O effing L

As funny as this was, I am rather glad you don't write this sort of thing, Mei. ^_^

Also... I am hooked on Tapestry. It's horrible. I shan't get any work done until I catch myself up.

Professional lurker, at your service. ^_^

Kunama's picture

*rolls around laughing*

heeheeheeheehee. Altogether too silly indeed, heheh. I wonder if this is the sort of thing Ellika might come up with if she ever wrote stories.

Sonja's picture

Sedra as a selkie. Hehe.

Sedra as a selkie. Hehe. Smiling

SkyRider's picture

Wow

That was hilarious! ^___^ Thank you for sharing. Will you be posting sequels following the lives of the other characters? Namely the king, queen, and perhaps the king's squeezes? Keep up the good work!

Wysteria's picture

(This comment is very late.

(This comment is very late. Pretend it isn't - I just now finally got my account to work.)

I'd actually love to do a sequel, but I'm stuck for good ideas. Maybe when inspiration strikes!

-Wyste

MeiLin's picture

I just re-read this

and it still makes me laugh.

Pedes's picture

Falls of the cair laughing

Katie's picture

last line

is the best ^_^

This one is always always good for a laugh, even when I'm feeling crappy!

There was a point to this narrative, but it has presently escaped the chronicler's mind.
-Douglas Adams

Amiable Hummingbird's picture

oh wow

Laughing out loud That was fantastically funny! I loooved it.

"What a crazy random happenstance!"

MeiLin's picture

every time someone finds it and comments on it

...I read it again and I still laugh. Favorite line for some reason:

This was very interesting and involved a lot of talking to moles.

Wysteria's picture

I am still immensely pleased

I am still immensely pleased you liked it. ^_^

-Wyste

NorthwoodsMan's picture

discoveries...

I don't believe I've seen this before. Very amusing and seems to be the story in a nut shell...

PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals

A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Wysteria's picture

My favorite part of

My favorite part of rereading this, as its writer, is that it still applies even many, many chapters after I wrote it. ^_^

-Wyste

MeiLin's picture

it does!

Which, as the writer of the main story, kinda scares me. Laughing out loud

I must update the notes above to say I caught up with Tapestry and it's an amazing piece of work. As I think I've said at that site, Tapestry feels to me like what is going on in Nija while we're telling our story over here in Tremont. It's NOT, but it could be. Smiling

sami-the-ghost's picture

HAHAHAH!

You are a horrible genius! I think i might wind up re-reading this whenever i need a good laugh. Great job!

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An Intimate History of the Greater Kingdom, The Drifting Isle Chronicles and Scryer's Gulch by Lynn Siprelle writing as MeiLin Miranda are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

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