i'm drunk and full of self-pity. Be prepared.

Be warned. I wrote this post in the middle of the night, because it had to go out somewhere, while quite drunk. If you can't stomach drunk peoplew full of self. pity, please ignore this. It had to get out, and I didn't know wehere else t put it.
Three years ago, my boyfriend and I met a girl. A hot girl, but she's royally damaged. She hasw told me part of her life story, including rape, emotional manipulation. I liked her, and I gave my boyfriend the task of trying to heal her, which included sleeping with her - no jealousy at all from me. I slept with her myself, and then both of us did, she's a highly sexual person. But after three years, she has shown no sighs of improvement.Realizing I was not able to handle her, I distanced myself from her, but still allowed my boyfriend to try.
15th of december, my boyfriend an I ( together for 6 years) have finally moved together. The other woman does not live far off, since they work at the same hospital. She has thrown a hissy fir through christmas, wanted my boyfriend to spend at least three nights a week with her, and a weeekend a month, an also new years. She said that, believing we would refuse (she was under stress because3 of a different cause, which we only learned later).
I cried a lot, but I said yes. But I could not like her anymore, bacause of the ulimatum to him: If you like me at all, you will spend new year's with me, and so on. For me, that's the lowest. My boyfriend was also sad, but he did not want ot let three years go to waste, so he agreed.
Amd since then, I'be been depresed. It's the first time for me to live apart from my parents, and my boyfriend is not here with me for three days of five working days a week. And this week, he had to work two days for 24 hours (he's a surgorn's assistant or whatever it is called in the US) and he said he'D spend sunday night with her as well. Out of five available days, I will have seen him for one afternoon and the saturday - we have martial arts training on sundays. I don't know how to react anymore. I've downed half a bottle of vodka, and dont't know what to do. I love him, and he loves me, I really believe that. I don't care about her anymore, but I fear that if I tell him to leve her alone, it will break her totally. Yet I can't bring myself to care about her anymore, she's proved too unstable for me to care for her. I don't know what to do and say anymore.
Sorry to bother you with this. I'll go to sleep now. And probably regret to have written this tomorrow.

MeiLin's picture

Most High

Decide what you want. Write it out. Don't think about anyone's needs but your own in this process. Be selfish. Start there.

Once you've got that down, decide where the room for negotiation is in what you want versus what the other two want. What can you accept, and what can you not accept? Not, what will make everyone happy with me, what will "help" this girl (who sounds manipulative, not "broken"), what will please my boyfriend, but what do YOU need? Where are your boundaries? How far is too far?

Then it's time to sit down with him, alone, and talk this through. If he can't or won't accept your boundaries, you know what needs to happen.

The only thing worse than "letting three years of effort go to waste" is throwing more after them. I learned that in my first marriage. I have been through this exact situation, I know what I'm talking about.

Keep the focus on yourself. You can't control them, you can't change them. Be prepared to leave, as hard as that is to think about, if you can't get what you need or your boundaries are not respected.


TheBoy's picture


Your primary worry has to be you. Define the boundaries YOU need. Three years is a lot of time for non-professionals to dedicate to somebody. Do what you need.

Gudy's picture


... sound advice, to which I'd like to add a few thoughts:
You are not responsible for her, neither for her health nor her actions.
You are not her therapist and neither is your boyfriend (hopefully!).
The Sunk Cost Fallacy (throwing good money after bad, essentially) is bad enough when it's about money. When time and your happiness are on the line? It's a really bad idea. Those three years aren't wasted, even if you didn't achieve what you wanted when you set out with this.

Best of luck!

erinnstreeter's picture


...since you wrote this. I hope things have improved. *hug*

TheBoy's picture


I definitely second this.

the paradox's picture


Thank you for your care, sound advice, and for reading through that whining at all. The post is even worse than I remembered :rolleyes:

I'd like to clear up some things:
First of all, the woman is manipulative, even if she does most of it unconsciously. But she is also seriously damaged. I don't know how much is in reaction to stuff she went through and how much is pure mental illness, and it doesn't matter. She needs proffesional help, but she will never admit it, and skin anyone alive wo even dares mention it.
Which brings me to point two: at no point did we think we could actually heal her completely. We only wished to give a little love, strengthen her sense of self-worth, and maybe show her by example how easy and uncomplicated things can be, how she can have more than what she has settled for, be happier. She always gets in the way of her own happiness.
It is also not true that there was no improvement. She has losened up to us, or mainly him, a little at a time. And I don't think she would have had the guts to demand anything like what she did now in the beginning, because she always saw herself as the disposable fun-object, no matter what we said or did (and we tried hard). I also half believe she made that demand believing we'd say it was ridiculous, drop her and get some other woman (she seriously proposed that at some point), thus proving her right (to her eyes). I'm told she was very surprised when we agreed. And yet she now still finds ways to feel mistreated. I seriously don't want to cope with that anymore.

So here's an update on the situation.
I've talked to my man, and he says he is losing his patience as well, but still he does not want to let go of her completely. He would, if I told him to, but I don't want that. I just want him to stop giving her extra time when I need him here, and to find a compromise on how to plan all this out, because right now it's going the way she dictates, and the outcome is driving me towards a depression. He also needs to seriously think about what he wants, instead of letting himself be handed from one woman to the other. He has cleared up a few issues, but far from all. And he's taking his sweet time.
If this does not get resolved pretty soon, I will have to start demanding things, too (and I really hate doing that). My problem is, if I do, there is a high probability she will feel betrayed and end it. Good for me, I guess, but I fear that she will never open up again like she did. Maybe that sounds conceited, maybe it is, but I believe that will be the outcome and I want to avoid it. I do feel a little responsible, because if we had let her be in her self-loathing, the fall wouldn't be so hard now. Does that make any sense?

MeiLin's picture

Most High

If you are acting honorably--from the heart, with your needs as well as hers in mind--you have done what you can.

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